Hello and welcome back to the CM9798 Retirement Home. It’s the end of the first season of this little experiment and so far, the old timers have more than held their own. Mick Quinn and Kerry Dixon are smashing the goals in and Dave Beasant is doing an admirable job of keeping them out. Here’s where we are with basically half a season to play:

Buckle in as this might end up being quite a long update!

A home game with Shrewsbury should be quite a nice Boxing Day but instead we’re 2-0 down inside 12 minutes to brilliantly named Benny Gall. Yes, really. Drinkell and Varadi get us back to 2-2 but Chris Hutchings is sent off and Gall completes his hat-trick. Too much Christmas alcohol, I imagine.

Everton away in the FA Cup is a tough tie and despite a bright start, we can’t score and end up getting well beaten. Oh well.

It’s two cup exits in 3 days as Scunthorpe spring a surprise in Windscreen Shield. I’m not overly bothered but the extra revenue might have been important. Extra time is sudden death which actually helps.

We come out of the mini slump with a win over Scarborough but we made really hard work of it thanks to Beasant’s early red card. Kerry Dixon scores four though and we get away with playing with 10 men for 77 minutes.

A rare 0-0 at Chester is largely put down to the distract of a nearby racecourse.

No such trouble at Hartlepool. A routine away win keeps us in the automatic places.

Beasant’s ban means Steve Sutton is in goal for the trip to Exeter. He’s atrocious and despite the front two’s best efforts, we lose 4-2. Hardly a vintage month for the veterans.

Peterborough have 38 year old Jim Quinn up front. He’s given our business card but thankfully his goal against us is a consolation at best. He’s immediately on the shortlist.

Cardiff are poor and we ease our way to three points. It’s cruel making this lot play twice a week.

Leyton Orient away is 2nd vs 3rd. A huge game. Daniel Brown is 16 and he runs rings around people more than twice his age. But Mick Quinn is a mighty man and when he is fouled, he converts the resulting penalty past the sub keeper. We can’t find a winner but not losing this game is good enough for me.

Quinn is banned for two games for repeated indiscretions. His replacement scores a hat-trick so that’s lovely. Colchester are the unfortunate victims.

It’s the same score a week later as we visit Darlington. Varadi continues to do more than enough whilst standing in for the Micker and that sets us up nicely to face top side Hull next Saturday.

Over 6,500 fans have turned up at the Bungalow to see this clash of the titans. I would love it if Mark Hateley got sacked whilst player manager, he’s exactly the type of striker we need. Kerry Dixon has surpassed all expectations though and he gives us the lead before the unlikely figure of Cuba Micking Junior makes it 2-0. Nice!

With 10 games to go, we’re top and actually 9 points clear of 4th.

Barnet have clung on to Sean Devine but that will only help you so much. Quinn gets a first half hat-trick and it’s six of the best for the over 35s. We’re in tremendous form at just the right time.

Macclesfield beat us at home and we’re in no mood for a repeat. Quinn’s second consecutive hat-trick sees us hit 5 and extend our advantage at the top.

He manages only one against Rotherham but at this point, the scoreline is irrelevant. As long as it’s another W in the column we can move on up.

And still we win. Even when the front two don’t score, 38 year old Marwood nets twice. Chamberlain will fancy an England recall at this rate.

Who wants two consecutive 0-0 draws? I’ll settle for it.

Especially as that second one clinches promotion!

With four games to spare, we’ve absolutely dominated from the off. Next stop, 100 points (or 100 pints for Quinn)

We edge past 4th placed Torquay thanks to Chamberlain.

Whilst this win at Brighton is enough to secure the title. Quinn’s double won’t be his last of the day.

Revenge is extracted on Scunthorpe for knocking us out of the windscreen shield. I have a windscreen but being 4-0 up inside 19 minutes is where it’s at.

We finish at Notts County. We’re actually 3-0 and 4-1 up but it ends 4-3 which looks close but in reality everybody was clamming for their end of season party, and who can blame them?

To lose only 4 games is some effort. Honestly, I’ve had good teams that have struggled more than this!

I hope the prize money is massive…

Not enough. By the time the game runs the end of season update, the debt is £2m.

A quick look at the stats – what a front two Dixon and Quinn were. 80 between them!

Let’s see some awards.

The dreaded retirements:

But the big news…

YES! I can buy a lot of pensioners with £2m. None of the main men retired though which is excellent news. I’ll just need to try and get the best 35 year olds available to see us through Division 2 and hopefully avoid a massive debt.

A tremendous first season then and we’re only just getting started. See you next week for the recruitment drive ahead of season two. Toodles for now!