Bonjour to you mes amis. See, I’m learning the language. All is not well in the house of Mul, as our best players keep leaving and nobody of any great reputation wants to join us. I’m therefore left trying to pick out the next gem who is ready to go now, a task that was much easier in Ligue 2. Expectations are relatively high now with us playing European football two seasons in a row but we’re not going to be able to compete if we keep losing players. Here’s where we pick up today’s action:

That win over rivals Strasbourg was as impressive as it was vital. It could be the start of a whole new us as here we go to Rennes and win easily. Just call us Stimpy.

We hold a 2-1 lead over Celtic as we head back to France so it makes for a tight match where we don’t want to over commit and Celtic don’t have the tools to worry us. As it is Natigol settles matters 10 minutes from time.

Oh, so you’re going to Minsk?

Saint Etienne are our next visitors and they’re the next to feel our wrath. Momentum is building, the comeback is on.

The comeback is off. Claudio Reyna says so.

We get to host the first leg of our European adventure and it’s a thrashing. Natigol and Del have a decent partnership going.

Marseille overcome the indignity of conceding to Nathan Blake to win 3-1. One step forwards, two steps back.

At least Perpignan are rubbish. They get the treatment in our last league match for a month. We love the winter break.

I hear Minsk in winter is just lovely. Cold, but lovely. We leave Belarus with a draw and a place in the last 8.

Quarter final draw and it’s…

Those bastards. Two legged hell to contend with.

How to ruin my Christmas:

He has the dreaded big club release so all I can do is suggest some exchanges to help soften the blow.

Rai is 36 but he’ll do.

Urgh. Oh and old man Pennyfather needs a new walking stick

With Rai here I now need to free up a FGN slot. That’s bad news for Prunea who is becoming a bit of a liability with his rushing out stat down to 4. He’s getting on. Richard Dutruel arrives for £500k.

Match one suggests he might not be the man for the job. We do win though, which is the main thing.

Young Ceballos is in instead and he does well in Monaco but the attackers don’t. We’re going to need a big second half of the season at this rate.

Will you stop asking for goodness sake?

Zitelli finds some form to see off bottom club Caen.

Then we lose 1-0 to Guingamp. Big sigh.

Metz away looks problematic but Rai shows the type of calmness that has seen him play for Brazil. Into round 3.

Where we’ll play…

Oh my it’s a blood bath. Let’s just keep playing the team I hate the most.

We’re 2-0 down to Lyon and I’m starting to wonder why I’m still here. Zitelli goes off injured and, hopefully coincidentally for his sake, things start to improve. Larry David gets in the thick of it, Natigol equalises and Rai belts one in from 30 yards in injury time.

Add to that an away win at Lorient and it’s a happy valentine’s day. Nothing can spoil my mood.

Except that. No sooner has Maraval returned from injury his partner is off to PSG. Nobody to exchange this time…

NO! Not Del!!!

It’s deadline day and I have two of my best players scratching at the exit door like randy cats. We lose 4-2 to Auxerre, with former Barca man Javari the chief nuisance.

There goes Rudy.

Del! I knew you’d stay.

I’ve identified two replacements for Rudy. Thuram is one:

Young Matthew Wicks is another. Thuram is £800k, Wicks is £1.3m. I’ll have both please.

The pair of them arrive to a midtable club but there’s 13 games to go and the top clubs are still in reach. What’s 8 points between friends? As for you Strasbourg, we’ll be sick of you soon enough.

Before I go, we have to face them in the cup. Didier Deschamps gives them the lead before Frank Ecker gets sent off and Del turns it round. We give away a sloppy goal and despite throwing everything including Brian Deane at them, it goes to penalties.

Bastards.

As Billy Mac prepares to star in French Pizza Hut adverts, I have to pick this lot up. We’ve got a Strasbourg double header to come in the UEFA Cup where most of my new guys are ineligible, so things aren’t looking great on that front. It’s going to be a very difficult end to the season so you won’t want to miss next week to see if we can rescue this mess. Bonjour for now.