Ryan Reynolds’ Wrexham: A Global Force – Part 13: The End | @emsonite

Off we go to Wrexham for the last time. Deano has had a great time with Ryan Reynolds’ millions but is there an icing atop this cake?

Recap of Ryan’s rules and milestones:

  • Only 1 player, per nationality in the squad
  • All 7 continents & USA represented in starting XI (Chile represents Antarctica)
  • £20m bank balance at end of season 1 – complete
  • £30m bank balance at end of season 2 – complete
  • Win Premier League within 4 seasons – complete
  • Good Champions League Run – complete

We’ve put all our eggs in one basket this season. Resting players and even playing with 10 men on this occasion when the Premier League scheduled a fixture two days before our CL Semi Final with Inter.

We just haven’t had the squad to compete on all fronts which has led to a mediocre 5th place finish in the Premier League.

But the write-offs and sacrifice will be worth it if we can get over one last hurdle in the Champions League.  We’ve managed to bulldoze and buy our way into the Final. It’s Barcelona. And it’s a big ask.

Barcelona even have home advantage at the Camp Nou.

Still, we’re at full strength and are in superb form in Europe. This is how we line up.

Kudos to Aussie Craig Moore who played in our very first game at Northampton Town all those years ago. Anwar, Keller, Curtis & Fish all played in Div 1 as we scrimped and saved our way into the major league. The cash we earned has enabled us to attract and afford the crown jewels from around the globe. As usual it’s 4-3-3 Direct.

Quite a contrast to the Tiki-Takaring, namby-pampy, fancy-danny opposition. It’s a clash of styles and stature of clubs. They do look good on paper though. At first glance, anyway.

But when I look closer. They may have the edge in midfield, but I wouldn’t swap any of our front players for theirs. Foe is better than Enrique at left back and Couto isn’t a right back at all. Onopko is isolated.

I think we can do it. But whatever happens – Ryan and I are proud.

We take the first half, albeit not in the score line. Both goals coming in the 4th minute as Luis Enrique cancels out David Trezuguet’s opener.  We should be winning, so we make no changes. Play like we did in the first half and the trophy is coming to North Wales.

However, whilst confident at the break; nothing could have prepared the World for what happened in the second half. We race into a 3-1 lead then Luis Enrique gets himself sent off. After that Barcelona crumble in embarrassing fashion. Even the Wrexham supporters are embarrassed. I was embarrassed. Ryan was embarrassed. We’ve properly gone and taken a big dump in Barcelona’s back yard, made them watch and left them to pick it up.

I haven’t got any words to describe this. It’s our biggest ever win. And it’s no fluke either looking at the stats.

To a man. Ruined.

I’ll probably get accused of cheating (like Matt, ha), I would accuse myself to be honest! But I’ve only loaded the English league and have no control over what any Spanish team does – never mind Barca-bloody-lona.

It gets crazy the more you look at it.

It sends shockwaves through the footballing World. But unlike winning the Windscreen, Promotion, or the Premier League there is no time to celebrate. No chance to congratulate the players. I can’t find Ryan Reynolds. The city of Barcelona has been insulted and it’s not a safe place to be.

UEFA are furious with Wrexham upsetting the apple cart and call an emergency meeting:

chatter-chatter-chatter AMERICAN OWNER! chatter-chatter-chatter DISHONOURED THE TIKI TAKA! chatter-chatter-chatter BOO-HOO! chatter-chatter-chatter WREXHAM DIDN’T GIVE US A BROWN ENVOLOPE! chatter-chatter-chatter  HOW DARE THEY! chatter-chatter-chatter THIS MUST NOT GOT UNPUNISHED! chatter-chatter-chatter RYAN REYNOLDS MUST DIE!

In a unanimous decision, UEFA decide to send out the hit squad.

Ryan Reynolds is tipped off and flees for his life in his private jet / time machine. He heads back to America never to be seen in Europe again.

It’s probably for the best. For four years he’s kept moaning about missing WIFI and not being able to watch himself on Netflix.

At least the club is left in a good place.

Some records there.

Plenty of cash in the bank. Good squad. Surely Wrexham can build on this without us?

As for me, the UEFA hit squad are out for blood so go off the grid too. Though instead heading for the USA, I go Into the Wild. There’s no cash machines or shops out there so my diet consists of eating worms & drinking my own piss.

Eventually, I learn how to thrive and live off the land. Even built my own cabin. Its watertight. Only took me 20 years.

All is serene and quiet. I’ve made my peace with the world. Got a pet squirrel and stuff. Until, one frosty spring morning a booby-trap is triggered.

I’ve been tracked down! Is it UEFA? Is it the hit squad? No, it’s..

Rob McElhenny. Seriously. What the f*ck do you want? Didn’t know who he was at first. Thought he was there to steal my smoked ferret. But after an hour or so he says he’s a friend of Ryan Reynolds. And Wrexham are in trouble!

It turns out Reynolds never returned, and Rob hasn’t got a clue about soccer. Things are bad. I don’t even know what year it is. Rob says it’s Thursday 29th April, 2021 (what a coincidence).

Okay. So I asked Rob when he said things were bad – How bad? Rob says perhaps I should take a look for myself…

You gotta be f*cking kidding me!

Apparently, Rob spent all Wrexham’s profits on failed UK movies trying to raise his own profile.

The saying goes ‘Never go Back’.  But it’s only 2 games. Can I save Wrexham from relegation and certain doom.

3 points behind Altrincham and wouldn’t you just know it, we are playing them next. What is the squad looking like?

Right, it’s 2021. I have no idea who these players are, but the squad looks terrible. And the Global recruitment & one nation policy has gone out of the window.

However, making do with what we’ve got; Brisset gives us the lead and Sherlock seals the win at Moss lane. It’s going down to the final game.

Goal difference is naff. We need to better Altrincham’s result at Wolves

We have Plymouth at home.

Alas, we get absolutely battered. The fans and Rob pin the blame on me. My legacy is tarnished. Statues are ripped down. And…

Wrexham are back in Division 2 – exactly where they started. With a shit squad and no money.

So, all in all this entire blog has been a complete waste of time.


Ryan Reynolds – Owner

Rob McHelenny – Ryan’s friend

Dean Emson – Manager

Roy Wegerle – Starter Yank

Sebastian Rozental – Antarctican Goal Machine

Fuad Anwar – Influential Saudi

Craig Moore – Aussie ever-present

Kevin Gallen – QPR’s top scorer

Marcel Mahove – Cameroonian bargain

Andre Cruz – Marauding Centre Back

Clarence Seedorf – Ace in the Hole

Yoshi Kawaguchi – Dinosaur Armed ‘Keeper

Ivan Zamorano – Premium Antarctican

David Trezuguet – The best striker in the world

Anyway, that’s it. I hope you enjoyed this little adventure. I’ll do another blog later in the year; it will no doubt include more drivel & absolute nonsense.

Finally, I’d like to wish Ryan Reynolds, Rob McElhenney & everyone associated with Wrexham FC the very best of luck with the takeover in real life. Let’s hope their dream of becoming A Global Force does indeed come true.

Huge thanks to Deano for a really entertaining 13 weeks. You’ll be seeing our hero again during the CM Cup starting in May and hopefully with a new blog in the future.

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