CD Dons – Episode 7: Gerry’s Springer | @Emsonite

Deano is here to wrap up the first season of Costa Del Dons. Will they go kicking and screaming to the La Liga promised land?

Recap of Rules & Objectives

  • Vinny Jones captain.
  • Only players with Aggression 18+ allowed
  • Hurt the opposition; fan prizes for sending offs, opposition injuries and total disciplinary points.
  • Thug-o-Meter; every CD Dons game is won, drawn or lost on injuries and cards (5 for a red, 3 for an injury, 1 for a yellow). +3 pts for a win, -1 for a draw, -3 for a loss. At the end of the season, I need to be in positive points, or I’ll get the sack.
  • Players earn holidays for 2+ match suspensions
  • Spanish FA really don’t want us to get promoted or to win anything, pfft.

The CD Dons Player search settings of 20 Aggression & under 9 for tackling is paying dividends on the Thug-o-Meter. We continue this approach as we look for new recruits.

Gerry Francis is rumoured to have had a naughty weekend away in the south of Spain, during February 1971. We pick up his bastard son from Recreativo.

His mother Sophia was a waitress Gerry had his eye on that night. And like most women, Sophia was powerless to resist the Gerry hair. After the one-night stand, Sophia tried her best to bring up her son on her own. Working double-shifts. Bringing home leftovers.  She done a great job. Still, it was hard for Francis Jr growing up without a Dad. It made him awful aggressive, 20 aggressive even. Jr spent his teenage years having run-ins with the law and was in and out of juvie.

Love Rat.

Disclaimer: None of this is true. Please don’t sue me Gerry. I haven’t got any money anyway, I live in the Valleys. We’re all skint and wash our clothes in the river. At least that’s what people in Cardiff think.  It’s a parody blog, how else am I meant to explain why a Spanish footballer has the same surname as Trevor Francis?

Anyway, Bastard Francis has a new father figure in Vinny Jones, and he has a great debut with a goal and yellow card. Duncan Ferguson injures Vicente Herrero in the 51st minute to send the punters home happy.

The Little Shit even scored 2. It really is a great day all-round.

Another injury means another crap tattoo by Pedro. Lisa is the lucky winner this time.

Ah, the old Dolphin on the arm. Reminds me of a joke I heard; do you ever wonder if dolphins get tattoos of lazy women on their fins? Classic.

Ahmed Koshery has earned himself a 2-week holiday.

Koshery wants heads back to Egypt to see his fans. He’s fast becoming a National hero.

Major signing alert!

Julian Dicks is joining CD Dons.

I don’t care if he is out for a year – we got loads of money. And he’s sure to be a bad influence behind the scenes. It’s a marquee signing.

Spice Boy Ian Culverhouse packs his suitcase and heading back to the UK, he’s way too pretty for this team.  

Joining him at the airport is John Lionel Richie. Not a single yellow card in his CD Dons career, we can’t carry him any longer. Dundee Utd, in breaking their club transfer record, have their fans Dancing on the Ceiling.

That’s it for transfers this season as the transfer window is slammed shut.

So, let’s wrap this season up.

Leganes at home is a massacre

6-1 in goals, 4-1 in yellows & 2-0 in injuries. A great day for the fans as 2 fans get 2 more crap tattoos. Unfortunately for these two punters, they took ‘crap tattoo’ a bit too literally.


Let’s move on. Please.

Just when all things seem rosy in the garden. We go on a poor run 5 games without a Thug win. During this run, the unthinkable happens as Vinny Jones is stretchered off. The fans are too afraid to laugh at Jones as they did with Big Dunc, so they direct their jeers to Josetxo for his 2 own goals instead.

We make some changes, trying to be less good actual football in the hope getting a much-needed win on the Thug-o-Meter. It works as we take the next game 4-3 on yellows. But it comes at a cost as we get battered 5-1 by 03/04 legend Toledo.

It’s a shock defeat.

Remarkably, these are the only points we’ve dropped in the league all season.

Meanwhile in South America, The Little Shit has made it into the Armenian squad and is even getting booked on International duty.

Bless his cotton socks.

Ceri Hughes is sold and so is David Batty.

I could have kept Batty but he only has 3 yellow cards, and he is too good for the Farmers League.

This opens up space for others, and Radu Rebeja needs no second invitation.

The Moldovan Maniac is sent off in the 8th minute, earning one lucky fan some knock-off merch.

Gareth from Merthyr bags himself a Ralph Lauren shirt to wear out in Torremolinos tonight

The league title is secured in March, that must be some sort of record. Credit to Nikolai for these mental keeper-less tactics.  All I need to do now is maintain poor discipline to keep my job.

One win and one loss in my next two is followed by a match against Rayo Vallecano. Stuart Pearce sends the fans into raptures as he takes out Cota in minute 69 – Filthy.

Another injury, ANOTHER crap tattoo for one lucky punter.

No comment.

Back CD Dons HQ, Chilean winger Rodrigo Ruiz has obviously pissed off his teammates.

Fifteen months! That’s what happens when you train with psychopaths.

This brings us up to our very last game of the season against Albacete. And it couldn’t have gone any better.

Vinny injures Josico in the first minute and the main man himself Arsen ‘The Little Shit’ Arzeian gets sent off. Brilliant stuff. You couldn’t write it. Well, I just did.

One more crap tattoo for this season for the injury. Barry from Barry wants a running Cactus.

I think that’s what it is anyway.

And one more piece of fake merch from the market stall for Aivazian’s red card.

3 for the price of 1! Pull your jeans down to show off these fuckers. Bargain

This result is more than enough to keep my job as the Thug-o-Meter is +40 at the end of the season.

This what it looks like in real life

I’m sure there’s a fancy-excel-spreadsheet-formula-equation-thingymajiggy that could be used instead of a pen, ruler and notebook but I don’t know how to do that shit, I’m still playing a 25-year-old computer games for Christ’s sake.

The Spanish Championship is uber shit so it’s no surprise we finish top

Now for the Player of the Season award.

Arise Sir Ahmed Koshery!

The Egyptian amasses 33 disciplinary points. Absolute bargain for £7k.

We have a total of 266 disciplinary points. We’ll add on 25 for the players who have been sold (Reasonable guess, I can’t be bothered to go back and check). That’s 291 Disciplinary points = 291 pints of lager. We’ll round it up to 300 pints. Why not.

Fuck it it’s my blog. Double it to 600 Pints.

Yes. SIX HUNDRED PINTS are put behind a bar in town for the ex-pat season ticket holders & everyone gets twatted.

It’s all about the fans. And the fans love lager. It’s great way to end the season and this episode.

Join us next week where we prepare for life in La Liga. I wonder what Barcelona & Real Madrid are gonna make of this rabble. Watch out amigos, CD Dons are coming..

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  1. Pingback: CD Dons – Episode 8: Ahh! Hristo | @Emsonite | CM 97/98

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