Well good day to you. Welcome to the end of season 4 here in France, where my time as Mulhouse manager has been largely seamless. Once we got out of Ligue 2, we made our debut in European football this season and whilst that treat is over, we’ve now got to set about doing it again. I will warn you now, this episode is the closest I have come to having a CM related breakdown.

Here’s where we resume:

It’s a big clash with Auxerre to get us started and as they are only 3 points up the road from us, a win would really help our cause. We do that just but I didn’t expect it to be this easy.

It’s a good job our league form is good as we’re out the cup. A goal and a man down after 7 minutes and 3-0 at half time. Some late resolve makes an unlikely comeback slightly more likely but it’s the hope that kills you.

It’s a right old ding dong at home to Lyon but old man Pennyfather steals the win just two days before his 38th birthday. Pints of mead all round.

An impressive win over Monaco underlines our credentials. We’re in touch with the top two and the front two are on fire. Renowned dick Victor Ikpeba gets his customary goal against us.

Duncan is out for 3 months though, he’ll be a big miss. The transfer deadline is next Friday but we have £75k to our name.

Oh maaaaan Marseille have decided to activate Booty oil’s big club release clause. It’s awful news but at least it’ll solve our financial crisis.

You will recall at the end of the last episode young Trez got a big injury. We’ve looked behind the sofa to try and cobble together the £25k Sheff Wed are asking for Jim Magilton. So, it’s come to this.

Deadline day arrives and the squad is in an almighty state. We have to play Guingamp away with this at our disposal:

Well done Del Boy. My hero.

With Booty on the way I’ve lined up Louis Saha as a £900k replacement. Laurent Charvet is also interested for £1m from Chelsea. That’ll give us some depth but neither are as good as Booty.

Praise be! Stupid Marseille.

We face PSG without Natigol who is still banned. Philip Cocu scores twice in a minute to put a huge dent in our top two hopes.

Another great training session sees our best defender crippled for FIFTEEN MONTHS. You idiots, I always tell you, kick the crap ones only.

Del’s at it again to edge us past Bastia. Fair play to him, he’s become very useful.

Ah well, see you next season.

Oh not Florian! That means Pegguy Faxhead will have to play.

Things are looking great.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, we concede every shot we face in a home defeat to Montpellier.

Training continues to resemble a war. Young Letang leaves without an ankle.

A lame defeat to Perpignan sums up the mood at present.

The League Cup runs forever in France. The semi finals see us head to Marseille where we…lose convincingly. There’s always next year.

Trez is back! Trez is injured. We lose 1-0. Jim Magilton isn’t very good.

Strasbourg next, you know how much I hate Strasbourg. Good job that…most of my defence and attack are out injured. I don’t think I’ve seen anything like this.

Prunea was sent off which will be a problem not just for today but also the future. We lose 5-2. I HATE STRASBOURG.

A defeat to Nantes is frustrating because we absolutely dominate with no reward.

In desperate need for a pick me up, Red Star arrive at the Stadium of Illness and suffer. Even when Natigol misses a penalty, Booty Oil steps up to give us the lead and it ends 6-1. Good job we spent all our money on the stadium upgrade when it’s a third full.

We’re 2-0 up at 3rd placed Marseille but future Crystal Palace failure Joonas Kolkka soon ends our hopes of a famous win. A point will do.

The lads rally to see off Metz. I’d still like to sign Saha for when somebody inevitably leaves but our finances mean someone will have to leave first.

We finish with a thrashing. Troyes get the brunt of our anger after a frustrating 2001.

It’s fifth again. Hilariously, Strasbourg lose on the last day to go from 1st to 3rd. I think 5th will be enough for us to play in the early rounds of the UEFA again, hopefully against somebody of a similar quality to Cwmbran Town.

At least it’s over. To recap, the following players fancy a move to a bigger club:

Sritong-In
Blake
Trezeguet
Booty Oil
Maraval
Milazzo
Billy Mac
Adolfsson

Whilst I brace myself for a summer of rebuilding, let’s finish with some awards. Natigol wins Football Writers’ Footballer of the Year, which is quite the accolade.

Will he be here next season though? Will anybody be here next season? It’s already started…

Please, don’t go to Strasbourg.

See you next week!