New season, new hope. Except instead of hope it’s an endless stream of players asking to leave. Welcome back to Mulhouse, where nobody wants to join or stay. Everything is most definitely NOT coming up Mulhouse.

Here’s a reminder of how last season finished before we move on to season five:

With all the good players wanting to leave, we’re now relying on good prices to attract the replacements who don’t want to come. It’s going to be a long summer.

Booty Oil is the first to go. I said to them all, if you have to go, go, but don’t join Strasbourg. Trezeguet respected my wishes. Djazon, which is French for The Jason, mutters something about being called Booty Oil before departing for my biggest enemy.

I need a replacement. This guy seems too good to be true. In my experience, that usually means they are a trap but beggars can’t be choosers. Welcome Zitelli.

With Trezeguet having already departed at the end of the previous episode, I need a central midfielder. Maybe this guy?

We all know and love this guy and he’s already playing in Ligue 1. Probably worth a punt at £800k

Andrew Duncan is attracting a lot of interest so I’m intrigued by the prospect of Christian Worns for £250k. Sure, he can barely run, but he can tackle and head and that’s probably enough.

Duncan goes and I wrangle some guy called Macauley into the deal. He’s a striker with pace and finishing which as you all know is pretty much my only requirement. I will call him Macauley Culkin.

Sadly there will be no repeat of the record breaking win over Cwmbran Town. We’re automatically into the next round of the UEFA Cup for reasons I’m not really sure of.

The season gets underway at home to Guingamp. Zitelli proves an early hit with a quick fire hat-trick and Natigol gets off and running. A fine start.

Maybe everything will be ok afterall? The same two scorers are in the mix away to Lyon but the defence is less good. Lyon had 10 men for an hour. Alarm bells.

Double alarm bells. I’m not liking the look of this at all.

An International break should help us get organised but we come back even worse. What is going on here? Maraval is still months away from a return and the defence looks decidedly shaky without him.

We get a reprieve in Russia. Delboy scores the winner to give us the advantage.

We are improved for the visit of Lens but look remarkably out of gas for the last 10 minutes and in the end we’re lucky to escape with a point.

Montpellier. Bless them. The bad run is halted with a thrashing.

We’re showing signs of a recovery as Dinamo Moscow are put to the sword. Pennyfather is still knocking around as you can see.

Celtic, hmm. That’ll be a tough test.

Back to abject failure as we sit in the bottom half. Ligue 2 side Lille sending us out of the cup.

PSG have lost Jean Tigana to Italy. It seems to upset them a little and they suffer the ultimate indignity of Nathan Blake equalising against them. A hard earned point.

We’re ahead at Metz and maybe now we’ve turned a corner…nope. The defence is a concern but what can you do about it?

Delboy scores against Celtic to give us a vital advantage. We should be well placed to see them off next week.

We finish with a clash against the old enemy. They’re actually a fairly new enemy, I don’t think the rivalry extends beyond the last two years of my time in charge. Even at the top of our game we struggled to get the better of these buggers, and yet somehow, after the poorest form of my time here, this is the day we beat them. They batter us to be honest but Natigol, seething from not getting his big move, nets an early goal and we cling on. Heroes, every one of them.

We’re 12th. We’re desperate for a run of form which might actually put us back in the mix. I can’t see Bastia lasting the course and we’re only 3 points behind Paris “the entertainment” Saint Germain.

With every passing day Maraval edges closer to a return which I am basically pinning our hopes on. Either way, next week is pivotal so please join me here to see if we can turn this around. Goodbye for now!