Hello! Welcome back to the Retirement Home, where we are about to embark on the final update of Season 5. Consolidation has been the key as we’ve dragged ourselves from the relegation places to midtable. The debt remains high but nothing will lower our spirits, although a cold winter would be a concern. Here’s where we rejoin the action:

We begin with a trip to Bristol City, where we play surprisingly well but run into a goalkeeper in the form of his life. Shaun Goater obviously scores and we go on to lose.

Port Vale are flying high so it’s a surprise that we can contain them for so long. Not only that, Ned Kelly slams in a late winner to send the home fans away happy.

Death by Oldham. Annoyingly Orlygsson is 35. You know where you’re heading, son.

Brighton are another team going well but Mark Chamberlain continues his good form and nicks us a point. If we hadn’t had such a rancid start to the season we might be in playoff contention.

Then again, we are fundamentally terrible. This loss at Crewe saw us manage 1 shot on goal.

This won’t help either. I do wonder if he’ll resurface for season 6…or whether his spine gives up the same way Bakero’s did.

Never the less, C&C music factory gives us the win over Colchester. Everybody dance now.

Another tiny crowd sees us beat Wigan. I guess the positive here is that we’re competitive again.

Danny De Vito puts us behind very early on but we come storming back thanks to Chamberlain and Cecilia. Three wins on the spin, unheard of.

This game with Preston is weird because from two of our goals, they score from the resulting kick off. Dave Watson does nab us a deserved point though so we won’t quibble too much.

We even lead at Blackpool before Amato runs wild. You say Amato…

Carlisle, no offence to the people of Cumbria but I hope I never have to play you again. They are miles ahead at the top of the table and unsurprisingly find us no object whatsoever. We won’t play them in the league next season, that’s for sure.

A point at Bristol Rovers is welcome. I just want the season to end really, we’re playing for nothing.

An entertaining game at Watford sees us fall to a narrow defeat. However, as you’ll see, the squad is not exactly in good shape…

The two centre backs that can walk unaided are out for so we’ve got Viv and Snodin in, a combined 87 years between them. Also, most of the forwards are injured.

Therefore losing to Bury is not a shock. Another forward bites the dust…

Another loss…

Rotherham have been relegated so it fills me with glee that we struggle to break them down but then Roland manages 2 minutes from time to end a run of 7 without a win.

We finish at home to Millwall, who need a win to stay up. Quinn nets his first goal of the season but we’re denied a second successive victory thanks to a late leveller.

£100k! So kind. That doesn’t help at all.

It’s a solid 15th in the end. We scored a lot, we conceded more. A motto to live by.

Songo’o remains octopus-like in his abilities. The less said about most of the squad, the better.

Cascarino scoring 32 goals but averaging 6.66 is something to think about. The numbers mean nothing to me.

After the 2002 World Cup is won by Denmark (obviously) it means we can have a look at some pretty weird awards. Steve Bruce, who was outstanding in the three games he played for us, has done well with Tranmere. Carlisle’s N’Diefi getting 38 is some achievement whilst I should point out Villa won the league & FA Cup, so all praise the mullet of Gerry Francis. The less said about Shaka claiming player of the year the better.

Amazingly, only one player retires:

Ian McPhee has gone to player-manage Inverness but the board haven’t cleared my debts. They stand at £3.6m, so I’m not really sure they will ever be cleared.

I have a load of freebies in mind but the £1k a week wage limit could be costly. I really want to be looking at promotion next season and I think we can all agree that this man will help:

Join me next week as we kick off season 6 and I try and tempt more old timers to come and put their bodies through a 50 game season for a fraction of their normal wage. Toodles!