Well hello there. It’s the business end of season two already, these Dutch seasons are sneaky. They start early, you play a load of pointless cup games and before you know it you get a month off for Christmas. The Retirement Academy are a relatively new club and we are perhaps ahead of where I expected, but that doesn’t mean I want to be relegated at the first attempt.

You may recall we’ve gone back to an old fashioned 5-3-2. It’s all about digging in for us. Away to Ajax though we could play any formation and lose. They’ve also got Jardel, which seems obscene for the Dutch league. They win 3-0, injure my goalkeeper for a few weeks and we get to see Dave Beasant in the Amsterdam Arena.

AZ next who are flying along in second despite only being promoted with us last season. We couldn’t get near them and we couldn’t get near them now. Espen Baardsen plays in goal with a 9 but we lost 3-0 again so I’m not sure there’ll be any Espen is a hero t-shirts sold just yet.

Bottom of the league Sparta. This is it then. I think it’s fair to say if we lose here, the 5-3-2 experiment is over. Baardsen is terrible. It’s another 3-0 defeat, another miserable afternoon and I’m afraid it’s back to the drawing board yet again.

Somehow, despite these worse than shit performances, Derby decide to bid for Norfolk

Such are the rules, he’ll depart, but not before we host Twente. Can we give him a nice farewell?

Norfolk enchants.

We did revert to the “Retirement Home” formation of three centre backs and one up top but despite improvement and indeed scoring a goal, we still get the same number of points.

That sinks us to the bottom of the pile. Goodbye Lee.

The Dutch transfer window is shut but if ever we could do with reinforcements, the time is definitely now.

Utrecht away, what can go wrong? The recalled Roger Janssen gives us the lead and things seem rosy for all of about 10 seconds when Gareth Taylor equalises from the kick off. The shame when he puts us 2-1 down is palpable. Sirakov, who is still silky despite being nearly 37, scores what turns out to be the goal that secures us a point. Up to 17th.

That’s better, a bit of fight. 8 games to go.

NAC at home which is quite fair in our situation. We are knacked. Silky Sirakov does give us the lead but NAC equalise and we manage to hold on for a point.

What a miserable day at Gronigen. A fairly even game takes a turn for the much worse when we go 1-0 down and as we chase an equaliser, Betterton is dismissed and obviously they score the penalty as we have no sub goalkeeper.

Hmm. 6 games to save our skin.

Crikey, RIP

What? Why?

Obviously, he’s gone. I won’t miss him but it’s just odd.

Anyway, we host De Graafschap who are just where we want to be. A win is needed.

YES! Thank goodness. A lifeline with 5 games to go.

Roda sit fifth, it’s not a fixture that inspires confidence. We get nothing from it.

RKC away though is right on the button. A win would be ideal. We have to settle for a point.

I’ve just remembered if we finish in 16th and 17th we enter that damn tournament that never ends. We face the mighty Feyenoord, who sit 9th. Which is odd. We lead 2-0 and their position becomes clearer. Just when I start to think we’re the best team in the world, we blow a two goal lead. A point is better than nothing. Glaucio was a Retirement Home legend.

Two games to go

MVV away. We could pull them back into the mix with a win. It’s tight and tense and we fall behind on 70 minutes. Uh oh. Roger Rabbit equalises from the kick off. That happens a lot over here. A point will do.

That point means we can’t be relegated outright. That’s good. It’s not in our hands whether or not we’ll have to go through that god awful playoff league thing.

Even with Reuser injured it’s obvious Vitesse will have too much for us. At 2-0 down we’re broken but hope is afforded when Schulp handballs on the line, gets his marching orders and Clemente converts the penalty. Game on…until the kick off and Orlando Trustfull condemns us to the playoff death league.

Annoyingly, a point would have kept us up.

After over two weeks of waiting, our first of 6 group games is against our old friends Go Ahead Eagles. I don’t know what it is about these but they seem to scare the shit out of us. Maybe we are just afraid of Eagles? Even with Krompkamp benched, we lose 4-0. Good start.

Sparta beat us in the league just a few weeks ago and we can only draw here. It’s not looking good.

VVV next who worryingly finished above Go Ahead in the 2nd Tier. Thankfully they are not VVV good. I feel like I’ve used that one before.

I suppose the good thing about this crazy system is that the groups are quite evenly matched. Here we are at the half way point:

Go Ahead visit us for our final home game of a frankly bizarre campaign. Jansen, who is starting to prove quite useful, grabs the only goal.

Ooooh.

I have made a few signings which I will save for the next update, but I’m gutted about one I didn’t get. Erik Nevland ended up out of contract at QPR but chose Hartlepool over us. He has a non-promotion release there too so maybe next summer.

Disaster in every sense.

It’s out of our hands.

Sparta are at home in their last game against the Eagles. We have to travel to VVV. We’ll worry about ourselves I guess.

Mick Quinn’s old arse climbs off the bench to head in the second. We’ve done all we can and find ourselves in the odd position of needing those damn Eagles to do us a favour.

Things are getting strange I’m starting to worry, this could be a case for Mulder and…Stegeman

You shall stay in the league!

We finish with the awards. WE WON THE FAIR PLAY!

It gets us nothing. Happy days.

Recruitment has already begun for season 3. Thinking about it, you’ve got to stick with the young lads and just keep them developing. It’s the only way we’re going to get anywhere. I’ll reveal our new signings next week. We’ll finish with the retirements though.

Wilkesy played everywhere down the left. Enjoy your retirement.

That’s it! I always expect loads more. See you next week, there’s work to be done.