Well good day to you. It’s the end of Season 4 here in Holland and the Retirement Academy are bang average. Or at least they were, with their best striker and arguably best player out for the rest of the season, there are definite problems to deal with. Luckily, there’s a transfer window to try and find some solutions.

The deadline actually ends on the 12th January, which would catch out most managers but not me. I simply put all my eggs in the Oceano basket, who is 38, plays DM and appears on the interested foreign based list. Result. He’s also transfer listed by request. What can go wrong?

He rejected. Urgh. Luckily, or not, Jurgen Klinsmann signs.

It is a sort of replacement for the BOAT.

We have two more weeks to get prepared for the trip to 3rd place Utrecht which looks typically ominous. Jurgen gets the armband and his sheer presence leads to what I can only assume is Pele making it 1-0 through an own goal. The leads lasts 21 minutes and despite us creating more opportunities, we have to settle for a point. It’s not bad.

Bottom of the league Twente should be easy pickings but Moses sees red after just 11 minutes which makes our ascent of this particular hill more vertical than previously imagined. Luckily that TV duo Cat Deeley and Jim Bowen give us a 2 goal lead before another TV name makes it 2-1. We win easily.

Look at what you could have won.

I’d love to say that gutsy away win would be a springboard for our ascent up the table into you know, 7th or something. We briefly level with perennial winners Ajax but go on to lose heavily. Never a shame.

Groningen always beat us. Klinsmann shows signs of life but it’s a poor defeat.

After being 2-0 down inside 13 minutes I’m fearing the worst but a second half rally nearly gets us a point. Clearly, we need to do something.

Our good friend Nikolai has a tactic idea I like the look of with the players at my disposal. As if by magic, here it is…

It gets off to a reasonable start with a draw at Vitesse, a world before they only have Chelsea loanees.

Anybody order a bore draw?

Feyenoord away is one of the three unwinnable games for a club like us but what we can do is knack a couple of their players, go behind and then let mystic Melg equalise. A famous point!

AZ are 3rd, which always makes me sad when you consider they came up with us in season one. Klinsmann scores again but Watt heads an own goal to make it an exciting opening 8 minutes and a dull 82.

Another of those unwinnable games is PSV away. That rule was written before SIR MICHAEL QUINN was around. What a win. What a guy. Don’t mention the horses.

Even when we go behind to Adamski featuring seal, we come flying back for one of our more handsome victories. One day, I will buy Nikolai a point.

Betterton is in the England squad! What a great day.

Telstar look set to ruin our good form but we come from behind twice, including a first Retirement Academy goal for Robbie Slater (see you later). Watt shines again with the winner after Betterton saves a penalty. The telephone company come away with nothing.

Who’s down with MVV yeah you know me? How do you do, fellow kids. Another handsome win from a team starting to find their groove. Unbeaten with the new formation.

We do however lose the last game of the season. It doesn’t matter.

10th it is. After losing Boaty midseason, I am delighted with that. I don’t think we’d have finished 10th if we hadn’t switched the formation.

We could hardly be more average but our late season form gives me hope. If we can add a few more new faces this summer and get Boaty back, we can push for that 6th spot. There’s a lot of pretty average sides in Holland, let’s be honest.

Some reasonable averages but also some shockers.

Boaty missed half the season and yet was still top scorer.

Whitehouse is the first to go

This will be a problem.

Here’s an old fullback in case I ever fancy a change of formation

Ah damn. Ike is frothing at the mouth. Everton are also in.

Hang on…

Yes! Yippeeee he stays

Meanwhile, look who’s coming crawling back (at the cost of £100k)

Crawling being the optimum word I feel.

Awards time

Never leave please.

Then the all important retirements.

Good riddance.

That’s it. I should point out I released Paul Rideout because I was sick of him, and Robertino the goalie ran out of contract and wouldn’t renew. Obviously I’m going to have to find a goalkeeper capable of being the new Betterton when he inevitably leaves.

The biggest news of all though

With that, it’s time for me to sign off for the week. I felt like this was a good update. I hope you did too. See you next week for a new season!