Somebody once said there were no new ideas anymore. That somebody has never met Deano…

Hello & welcome to a new series!

What is going on? Why are we all here? And what has Dean Smith got to do with it? All valid questions.

I will explain in the simplest way I can…

Dean Smith doesn’t want to be Japanese – Part 1: FF Sake

There’s been lots of foreign owners investing in English football. Americans, Russians, Malaysia, Thailand, and most recently the Saudi’s. This has not gone unnoticed, and now the Japanese Government want a piece of the action; Perhaps they can use it as a vehicle to promote tourism, Nintendo’s, Samurai Swords. So, they are looking to buy a club. And being from The Orient, one club clearly stands out – The Orient, init.

An offer to buy Leyton Orient for 600 Yen and shares in McSushi is duly accepted. The new owners swiftly organise a pre-season tour in their homeland to celebrate and get the Japanese public onside.

Touchdown in Tokyo. Leyton O are led off the plane by club captain Dean Smith.

Smithy is looking forward to the tour

But he is shocked by the hostility they receive as they get through Arrivals.

Unbeknown to the players, there’s been uproar in Japan. Local journalists and callers into TalkSush strongly feel that Government should be investing in their own football clubs and National team. There is a protest waiting for them. Led by Japanese golden boy Shinsuke Nakamura, who points out the elephant in the room.

• “There is nothing remotely Oriental about Leyton Orient. We’ve been had! The squad is all British, apart from one Norwegian. A fucking Norwegian! There are no Japanese or Asian players at all! And that All You Can Eat for £5 buffet restaurant on Brisbane Lane doesn’t count. Are we not good enough for you Orient? We must take a stand. These are our taxes. Return the Samurai! Reinstate Kirisute Gomen! Are you with me! ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME!”

Angry mobs form and some old guy attacks my physio.

It’s getting ugly. This is turning into PR disaster for the Japanese Government. The players are ushered into a Safe House and the Spin Doctors call an emergency board meeting to hatch a plan.

The proposal is to televise a live stream of the players at a social gathering in a PR exercise. The public will start to warm to the club if the players partake in Japanese culture.

That evening they bring out bottles of Sake.

Sake is Japanese Rice Wine. The National tipple. But with the British being British. and Norwegians being Norwegian, the players drink it by the fucking pint.

Oh, what a night it was. Karaoke. Twister. The lot.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

The morning after the night before.

Headaches.

What the players didn’t realise is the Safe House they were all getting smashed in was the Japanese Immigration Office. And how would they know? Do you think Mark Warren can read Japanese?

As the hangovers kick-in over breakfast, the players shared some funny memories about last night. How they all signed up to be Japanese citizens. Laughing their heads off. Signing form after form. Pledging allegiance to the flag. Getting Osaka tattoos.

Well, they ain’t laughing now.

Now, imagine getting so pissed you wake up Japanese.

Because that’s exactly what happened. Dean Smith. Sam Winston. Carl Griffiths. Everyone. Even poor Bjorn who only signed on for four games. They’re all now Japanese.

Fucking nightmare.

After a few hours, most of the players calm down and begin to look on the bright side. They’re Japanese heroes now. Got a better chance of playing International football.  And Tokyo got flashy lights.

But Dean Smith is shitting bricks! He promised his missus he’d be a millionaire Premier League manager when he retires. He thinks Mrs Smith is going to go nuts. Oh, and he’s right. She hits the fucking roof:

• Mrs Smith: “What do you mean you got pissed and woke up Japanese?”

She is on the first plane out to Tokyo, baying for blood.

What’s more ridiculous, Dean Smith being Japanese or being married to Angelina Jolie?

Anyway, she bursts into the room. The Japanese official, Mr Kagawa, plays hard ball at first.

• “May I recommend a Snickers. Look, it’s all on TV. There’s nothing I can do. He’s Japanese now love, get over it.”

That of course went down like a shit sandwich. Mrs Smith rips the little cunt a new arsehole and they come to a compromise:

• If Dean Smith can win some trophies with Leyton Orient and help the National team before he retires, they will reinstate his British passport. If he doesn’t, he can kiss goodbye to a career in English football management and will have to live in Japan for the rest of his life. Japan has a decreasing population; they need all the citizens they can get.

To help them on their way, the Japanese Government agrees to put £20m into the club coffers however any players signed must be of Japanese nationality.

Mrs Smith cocks the buckshot:

• “Even with this Leyton O Japanese squad there’s not many Japanese players on the game is there? you fucking dickwad.

Mr Kagawa agrees to extend the transfer rule to any player of Asian nationality. As a compromise, in keeping with the Orient name.

• Mrs Smith: “But even then, there’s still not many players. And those that ARE on the game are fucking SHIT! Help my husband out or I swear I’ll divorce him.”

Kagawa has an idea…

He sends his most trusted agent, Shinobi, to Europe to round up some new recruits. In the image of Japan’s finest export…….

Shinobi’s first stop is in Italy where he rounds up two plumbers

• Mario (Stanic)
• Luigi (Di Biagio)

…And plucked from the dusty streets of Nottingham

• The evil Colin Cooper (Koopa)

It’s FF Sake all over again. Shinobi’s recruits all get pissed, sign for Orient and turned Japanese as well.

Shinobi tried to catch Yoshi as well (GK – Yoshikatsu Kawaguchi), but he got touched by a little crab-thing and ran away

We’ll see if we can sign him later.

Dean Smith’s marriage and management career is on the line, and as such he trusts no-one else to get the job done. He will play as club captain whenever he is available.

His stats are:

Ability – 85

Potential – 0 (random)

Reputation – 60

I aint fiddling any stats, but hoping the randomised potential generates a decent ceiling. I’ve always thought he’s pretty good on this game in the lower leagues. He does have 18 for Heading and 20 for influence though and scored 40+ goals for Orient in real life.

Most of his stats are 0 – randomly generated. Again, hoping for a decent version.

With this newfound Leyton Orient squad full of Japanese nationals, the locals are back on side and out in force for the pre-season tour.

We play the friendlies with mixed results

One.

Two.

Three.

Loving some of the generated names. Colin Honda, Shoji Smith. Lol

Heading back to London, we get ready for the domestic season. The lower leagues will be easy enough, but we must unearth some Asian gems if we are going to win any trophies.

Join us next week when we embark on our mission to rescue Dean Smith. Because if you didn’t already work it out by now – Dean Smith doesn’t want to be Japanese.