Author Archives: David Black

CM9798 – The Greatest Team: Defensive Midfielders

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Welcome back to our search for the greatest CM9798 team. So far we’ve discussed goalkeepers and centre backs, but you are able to vote for all positions here. Today though we’ll be focussing on defensive midfielders, a position integral in the 2-3-1-2-2 we’ve found to be the best formation. Let’s see who is up for nomination?

Take Our Poll

Matthias Sammer

It should be of no real surprise to find Sammer in this list – afterall, he did win the UEFA Best Player award at Euro 96. He’s at European Champions Borussia Dortmund and starts the game much sought after.

Sammer

He’s usually courted by Barcelona to play the DM role for Louis van Gaal, obviously helped by his passing stats. He has a lot of very good stats but nothing higher than an 18. He turns 30 shortly after the game starts so unless you are managing one of Europe’s best you probably won’t be buying Sammer, however his average rating wherever he ends up is usually pushing 7.50.

Bjorn Heidenstrom

The man, the myth, the legend. A hero of mine after his interview last year, just look at these stats:

Absolutely incredible, the only stat lower than a 12 is injury proneness. He’s equally adept in defence or midfield which is why I’ve placed him in this category, his passing stat means he is probably more useful in the centre of the park. He only played four times for Leyton Orient in real life, so quite why he is rated so highly I’m not sure. Orient are in Division 3 so generally available for £100k or sometimes less and he’ll do a job for any club at any level. If you think of all the blogs we’ve had, he’s turned up in most of them. Including Aberdeen. I keep his hand written letter of encouragement in my notebook at all times but will he get your vote?

Martin Lauchlan

If our first two candidates were all about the here and now, how about one for the future?

There aren’t many players in the game aged just 16 but Lauchlan is wiser than his years would suggest. The fact he is left/centre means he also does a reasonable job as a left wing back, but he can only improve from his already pretty good stats. In the Aberdeen save that is now 8 seasons in, Lauchlan is a star player for Scotland and you can see his stats filling out.

A seal of approval from the interested clubs…

He has a big club release clause so he can be signed by most sides in the First Division or higher for a couple of hundred grand. When you consider you can get 15 seasons out of him, why not?

Billy MacDonald

Not Billy Mac from Love Actually, sadly. Partick Thistle’s youth team would seemingly give the class of 92 a run for their money, so what does Billy Mac have to offer?

He’s your typical holding midfielder, loves a tackle and is very determined. Again using the Aberdeen save as an example, Billy Mac has done ok for himself.

Like Lauchlan he has the big club release clause and can be acquired for less than £200k.

Martin Djetou

If the previous entries have been bargain buys, Martin Djetou is pure and simply a legend of the game. Like Heidenstrom he can play equally well in the centre of defence or midfield but at just 22 he is already playing for one of the best clubs on the game. Just look at these stats:

As a result, he’s not that easy to get a hold of. Your best hope is that his contract is running down as Monaco often have financial difficulties owing to their small stadium and massive wage bill. But if you can get him, he’s a Champions League quality player who constantly averages highly.

Arnor Gudjohnsen (Icelandic Hero)

The Icelandic hero has a name, it’s just he isn’t normally around more than a season or so. With no fewer than six 20’s he’s already quite good, but at 35 going on 36 he doesn’t have great physical stats.

However, his re-gen is easy to pick up as there aren’t many Icelandic DM/FC’s and there are even less with stats like this. What an absolute hero. Here he is after 7 seasons of development:

Heading off somewhere?

Play him wherever you want, the man is a hero. If you can wait a season to get him, he’ll slot right into your team and stay there for as long as you want him. Whether you’d waste him in DM is another matter…

Who gets your vote? Don’t forget to check out the other positions here

CM9798 Academy – Part 11: Defending for Dummies

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Hello hello! Welcome to Season 4, where the CM9798 Academy will have to find a way to bounce back from the disappointment of missing out on the First Division playoffs last season. I promised a squad overhaul but with nobody to keen to buy from us, I’ll just crack on with the new blood. A reminder of the rules:

  • Free Transfers
  • Aged 23 or under
  • All bids accepted by Ike Mashley.

Continue reading →

When Diego met Paul: Part 4

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Ross is back with the fourth and final part of his experiment. Would Spurs have been better with Maradona and Gazza rather than Christian Gross? Two opposite ends of the fun scale there. Part 3 is here if you need to get caught up.

Hello, and welcome to what we all have dreaded. The final part of this story of when a lad from Lanus and lad from Newcastle met at a club in north London. It makes sense if you have read the previous three parts.

Any-hoo. When we last left you, the title was more or less gone, United on this game are a monster in the first few seasons, and now Diego wanted to follow in Ossie Ardiles’ shoes and win the cup for Tottingham.

First game back and it’s a tasty one vs those lot from Woolwich. Our first signing Bakayoko gets a start and doesn’t do half bad.

There will be dancing in the streets of White Hart Lane. Also, nice to see Iversen score a few.

Back in the days Newcastle paid a lot of money for players,

I don’t tell Paul, had to refuse this or this last part would just be called ‘When Diego met…’ not the same twang to it.

Came from him wanting more first team football, this means I have a spot free.

So, who to go for? Denilson? Thuram? Shearer?

Well done for anyone who guessed this lad. He was universally recommended by all three league scouts.

Young Scott wont play this season but a good buy for the future.

Next at the Lane is the big one. 2nd vs 3rd! Owen vs Klinsmann! Diego vs Redknapp! Gazza vs the urge not to wear a curly wig and a shell suit.

It’s a great game, we take the lead through Jurgen and young Owen scores after half an hour. With the game ticking away, our leading German puts daylight between the teams in the match and the league.

7 points between us and only 8 games to go.

Its semi final time. And it’s at Anfield. The locals are not happy, it’s the team who just snatched a victory against Liverpool last time out and Man United.

We start so so well. Either side of a Scholes goal Jurgen and Gazza score. We start dreaming. But you never ever rule out a Fergie side.

Oh the pain, Diego’s dream has gone. Gazza is in tears (again), probably didn’t help me accidentally letting slip about the Newcastle bid.

Our aim now is to finish second and get Champions League football. A first for this club.

Wimbledon womble in and we take our anger out them.

Gascoigne got himself injured trying a bicycle kick, wouldn’t have minded but the ball was no where near him and he was just trying to impress the crowd.

My usual nemesis Southampton turn up next, wow we have had a lot of home games recently. I speak to Diego before the match, he hasn’t been himself after the Man United game. I try and wind him up by telling him that Egil Ostenstad said his perm looked stupid.

2 goals and an assist prove my worth as manager.

We visit Man U again in hope of avenging that late defeat. Therefore the only to happen is…

Again? Oh I give up trying to beat this lot.

We bounce back with wins against Derby and Sheff Weds on a Saturday.

Our final game, also Diego’s for the club, is against Newcastle. Second will be sown up with a win. I give the little Argie the armband for the game and he responds with a great performance.

Sorry Dave.

The league was over in November to be honest. But 96 goals was a great achievement and even our defence wasn’t too bad.

Champions League will be fun.

Derby, Southampton (hahaha) and Barnsley are all relegated.

But this about really about one man. Lets look at his stats.

15 assists and 11 goals are a great return for the 36-year-old. But its only for one season. The guys in the squad have a whip round and by him a t-shirt which says ‘I’m sorry I cheated you in ‘86’ Luckily he can’t read English so smiles politely and walks away for the final time.

Ciao for now and thank you for reading this.

Thanks to Ross for a thoroughly entertaining series. You can follow him on Twitter @Riddley82

Remember to vote for your Greatest CM9798 Team!

Short Stories: Kaiserslautern – Part 2

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Guten tag! That’s German for how do. In part 1, we discussed how it was a small miracle that Kaiserslautern won the 97/98 Bundesliga and then came up with a plan as to how I was going to replicate that success. The answer was seemingly Olaf Marschall.

After 9 games, we pick the season up with my new charges in 6th, hanging on to the coat tails of the top sides.

First off I’ve decided I need a centre back to strengthen out defensive resolve and at £1m I have identified Stephane Henchoz.

What I didn’t take into account, because I am a bonhead, is that Henchoz counts as a non-EU player because…Switzerland. This was a mistake, I admit that.

Alex Notman is finally back from his torn hamstring and he’s in for Ratinho, who is our for a few weeks. We still can’t defend but the ever reliable Marschall, with help from our young loanee, gets us over the line despite conceding twice in a minute.

Bochum. 3-0. Howard Finkel gets his first goal for the club and we’re loving life.

You don’t need him, ffs.

Cheers Alex. That leaves a whole in our team which young Reich will have to fill as we face Bayern in cup. The Pokal sounds less prestigous to be honest, but despite making it to half time at 1-1 once we are down to 10 men it’s a battering. Wave after wave and they just don’t stop. Henchoz is useless.

Thankfully Ratinho is back for the trip to Leverkusen, who are 6th but have 3 games in hand. If they win them all, they would be top. But we put a stop to that with a good display away from home. We lead twice but a point will do.

Dortmund are of course the Champions of Europe so you’ll understand my surprise that we score three times in 12 minutes to brush them aside. Momentum is growing.

A visit to the capital gives us the surprising scenario where Marschall doesn’t score. He always scores. Larry Bob does though as the opening 10 minutes bring all the drama, despite Bryan Roy’s best efforts.

Stuttgart are another decent side, we seem to be in a rough set of fixtures at the moment. Marschall managed to get injured in training during the International break so he misses this one, which brings Kuka in.

Larry Bob has pulled his hamstring and will face 2 months out, which poses a problem as I really want to play Pavel Kuka now but will need to drop one of the other non-EU chaps. Ratinho is a set piece maestro which is bad news for Sforza and Kadlec, who may face rotation over the weeks to come.

Marschall only misses one game and he will have to get to know Kuka for the time being. We come from 2-0 down to draw with 1860 Munich as our patchy form continues.

2nd place Werder Bremen away probably will mean more problems for us. We’re already down to 7th but Kuka has given us a new dimension and his double helps us towards a massive shock result. Well maybe not massive but I didn’t expect to win let alone score 4 goals.

We get four again just a few days later as another away trip ends in a demolition. This time Kuka gets a hat-trick as Rostock feel the Kuka burn. We’ll work on better word play.

The final game before the winter break is Karlsruhe. Finally a game we are expected to win. Kuka, obviously, scores twice as we lead 3-0 at half time. It ends 4-1 with Marschall’s 23rd of the season, he’s now passed his real life total and it’s not even Christmas. Kuka has 9 in 5.

Yes, if you are wondering, I should have picked Kuka from the start. Germany love a winter break, it lasts for two whole months where literally nothing happens. Here’s the table to help pass the time.

It’s going rather well. I doubt we’ll have enough to overtake Bayern but you just never know.

It’s been 83 years. Or 2 months. But we’re back in action. The transfer deadline has been and gone, most of my players are wanted and were bid for.

Our first game back is Hamburg away. It turns out to be the perfect setting for Marschall to get goal 24 of a brilliant season.

You don’t play for 2 months then all of a sudden you play twice in 2 days. Who decided that?

We finish with a trip to Wolfsburg. They’re 17th and not very good and it looks set to be another 0-0 until my left back goes through one on one and scores and Sforza adds some Swiss gloss to the occasion.

Bayern mess up at home to Leverkusen so we’re top of the pile. A lovely way to end the update I feel.

They have 2 games in hand so I’m not too excited but they have to visit us yet, we’re still fighting for this title and Ich würde es lieben, wenn wir sie schlagen, liebe es!

For some reason the Bundesliga is big on Wednesday-Friday for matches despite that break so we’re going to be heavily tested in the last few months of the season as my squad depth isn’t great. Nevertheless, 12 games to go and we’re in with a shout. I’ll take it. Join me next week for the conclusion, auf wiedersehen pets.

 

CM9798: The Greatest Team – Centre backs

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As we continue to search for the greatest CM9798 team, the time has come to try and find two centre halves. Here are your options:

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How do you select just two? I’ll try and help…

Robert Page

Page starts at Watford and usually gets a move early on to a midrange Premier League club. He’s captain material and has all the vital stats for a decent centre half. Heading, tackling, strength, positioning and even pace. He’ll cost you about £2.5m and I took him to Aberdeen because he’s mint.

With age on his side Page could marshall your defence for 10 years but there’ll be plenty of interest in him on the way, for example on the Newcastle save he ended up at Atletico Madrid!

Will your vote go to big Rob?

Andrew Duncan

If Page is the man for the upper echelons of the pyramid, Andrew Duncan is probably more for the lower league sides. That’s not to say he wouldn’t do a job for you but as a free transfer he is particularly attractive to those with less budget.

As a former member of the Man Utd academy, Duncan has high potential stats so the dreaded big club release clause will come into play. In the Academy save, he went to York to begin with before exercising that release clause to join Chelsea and then latterly West Ham. He’s worth over £2m and progressing nicely.

Has Duncan won a place in your heart for being a lower league legend?

Steve Haslam

Fans of this blog will know why Haslam is included. He can develop into a good centre half, there’s no doubt about that. But did anybody see this coming?

So that sums up the potential Haslam has, so even though he starts at Sheff Wed you can probably get him on loan in the lower leagues and hope he sticks around.

Whether it be sentimental or you just generally love Steve Haslam, is he getting your vote?

Marlon Broomes

Another young centre half with good key stats for a centre half – heading, pace, tackling – he can go on to do very well in the game.

I’ll be honest, I don’t think Broomes will win this vote but if he gets game time he will go on to play for England. In the Academy save he’s progressing nicely and is a regular at Blackburn. His stats are great though.

Maybe Broomes should be a sweeper?

John Curtis

Maybe that should be Sir John Curtis. My personal favourite centre half starts in the Man Utd youth team but you can immediately see that he has the potential to be a star.

Obviously Man Utd’s team is stacked so JC usually ends up moving away but as soon as he gets regular game time. The Aberdeen save is a good example of that – he moved to the SPL, played regularly and then once I left, so did JC. Back to his roots. But he has 56 caps for England and captains them, so it worked out quite well.

He’s an absolute hero. The one negative about him is that he has turned down my request for an interview on several occasions. Come on John, the world would love to hear from you.

Teddy Lucic

The Swedish have a strong tradition of being bloody brilliant on Championship Manager and Teddy Lucic is always a treat.

He’s already a Swedish International and can be picked up for a couple of hundred thousand. The problem is IFK are in the Champions League so he won’t just join any old chumps…and he has to be available. He is a little bit slow though. His potential was underlined in the Scotland/Waregem save where he went to Napoli, PSV and Man Utd. Look at those average ratings.

Will Teddy be steady for you?

Rio Ferdinand

Rio Ferdinand starts the game as an 18 year old at West Ham. He is already more than capable of playing Premier League football with 20 for pace and tackling. Holding on to him is not really on the agenda at West Ham – he normally wants a move to a bigger club and he usually gets it.

Of course Rio went on to be one of England’s greatest centre halves and cost £30m, so hats off to the researcher for getting this one right.  In the NUFC save he’s well on the way to greatness.

The fact he’s young and already ready for the top level makes him one of the best players to sign at the start of the game. Getting him isn’t always easy and it will probably set you back upwards of £5m but West Ham are a struggling Premier League side, so you’ll probably get him.

Michael Duberry

Poor old Dubes. I think what I like most about him is that he was fairly accident prone in real life yet CM regarded him as one of the best centre halves in the league.

Like Rio he is already capable of playing in the Premier League but is at Chelsea, who are a top 6 side. He usually moves on to Man Utd after a couple of seasons, like he did in the Aberdeen save. Look at how many appearances he made!

48 caps for England tells it’s own story.  But will Dubes get your vote?

That’s all of our centre halves – but which two get your vote? Remember to make your opinion count!

If you missed it yesterday, here’s a run down of the goalkeepers available to you

 

 

 

 

CM9798: The Greatest Team – Goalkeepers

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Pull up a seat, it’s time to study some of the greatest stoppers in the game. Well, this game anyway. Here’s the five up for discussion today:

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Of course it would be churlish of me not to pay respect to those who narrowly missed out. Mickael Landreau, Fabien Barthez, Christophe Revault, Bengt Andersson and probably many more can all consider themselves unlucky. Let’s take a look at who did make it.

Dida

Our first candidate for the number 1 jersey is probably best known for not being as good as Jerzy Dudek at saving penalties in the Champions League final. He’s a hero to me though…

Although he has surprisingly few 20s, he is young enough to improve whilst still being more than good enough now. To take some blog saves as examples, obviously he was my number one at Aberdeen throughout the glory days, whilst on the Newcastle save he moved to Liverpool. On the negative side, he will use up a vital non-EU slot in your squad, which you might not want to waste on a goalkeeper. He’s my go to signing for a mid-range club but can we do better?

Richard Wright

What Dida lacks in stats, Richard Wright more than makes up for it.

Wright doesn’t usually last the season at Ipswich before being snapped up by almost anybody else. Youth is on his side and whilst he probably isn’t ready for the Champions League straight away, a couple of seasons of regular playing time and he’ll be good to play anywhere, anytime. A bit like Crash Holly. Here’s an example of how he develops after just a few seasons:

Minimal changes there but stats aren’t everything. He has two England caps and isn’t that the main thing? Ignore when he gave away a penalty against Malta, please.

Anthony Betterton

HE’S FREE

At just 17 Betterton is the most popular of the free transfer goalkeepers available at the lower level. Obviously at just 16 he has a lot to improve which will only come with playing time. Some of these stats are randomised at the start of the game, in fact he’s even just 16 in some games for some inexplicable reason, but anyway, using the magic of the CM9798 Academy save, here he is at the start and at the start of season 4.

Did I mention he’s free? I can’t emphasise that enough. In summary, one for the future, but if you’re in the lower leagues he’s one for the here and now.

Neil Finn

Who?

I guess the important thing here is that his shot stopping is 20. The injury proneness stat is random, so it’s just unfortunate that when I need to sell him to you that this stat is disgustingly high. Anyway, I guess Finn is most famous for his time in the blog save that went all the way to the end of time. He was Real Madrid’s Number 1, this screenshot taken 10 seasons in.

Whilst that is remarkable it was apparently not deemed remarkable enough to take a screen grab of his vital statistics. What you can take from this though is that he has hidden stats and potential and if he is played enough he can go right to the top. On the Academy save he is currently at Wimbledon…

Neil Alexander

The remarkable thing here is that Alexander has only just retired, having played for Livingston last season.

Alexander has high potential but a lot of his standard stats are randomised, so don’t be alarmed by his progression over 8 years. They are from different saves. That rushing out stat will hurt him, but I guess the fact it is so low on a save where he’s done well (having been at Chelsea and Liverpool) probably means it isn’t worth a huge deal. What does it any of it mean anyway?

Will it be enough to secure your vote though?

Remember to vote at the top of the page and then join me tomorrow where we’ll look at the centre half options.

CM9798 Academy – Part 10: Last Minute Plans

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The CM9798 Academy have had a short but illustrious history. Consecutive promotions after being launched into the murky world of Division 3 were as welcome as they were unexpected and life in Division 1 has been a mixed bag. If you’re new to this, the gist of the Academy is that we can only sign free transfers aged 23 and under and everybody is up for sale. We’re just a cash cow. There’ll be a full graduate review at the end of this episode, but first we have to end the season. Can we get out of Division 1 at the first attempt? The table says: Possibly.

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When Diego met Paul: Part 3

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Ross is back with another episode of the Gazza and Maradona soap opera from White Hart Lane. It’s January and both survived the Christmas party. Catch up with part 2 here

Hello, welcome back one and all. Maradona has rocked up at the lane. And he would only join if the man below joined.

Don’t let the look deceive you, it seems to be working.

We left last time in a place. Doing well in the league and only really Man Utd pulling away in first.

New year and its 3rd round FA Cup and home to Walsall time. Easy right?

Not a happy bunny. We score they score, we score again, they score again. A replay awaits us.

For some reason Kieron Dyer called me up about taking this job. Can’t think why, plus how did he get my number?

In typical spurs style, we put our struggles against a lower league behind us and beat a good prem side away.

This win gears us up nicely for the replay.

Yeah take that Walsall. Nice to see Rory Allen score. I had almost forgotten about Chris Armstrong as well.

Coventry feel the force of my anger next. Even David Howells scores. This did cause a few minutes of panic in the stands as people thought the world was ending. Managed to calm the situation and win 6-1.

Disaster strikes.

Tried a bicycle kick, only problem was it was in the car park. He asks if he could help with coaching, after crying with laughter for 10 mins I stop rolling on the floor and realise he wasn’t joking. OK I say, but no showing off.

We do miss his creativity in the next game (the dreaded champ man curse strikes)

Coventry in the next round of the cup next, again it should be fine as we blew them away only a few games ago.

Sadly my strikers have gone shy and the board aren’t happy.

You me both pal.

Another replay, maybe it’s how we are going to win the cup.

Word of warning NUMBER 36: Never let Maradona apply gel to your star keeper.

We continue our odd league/cup form by tearing Blackburn a new one. Sir Les even finds his scoring boots again.

FA Cup replay again, something about playing under the lights at the Lane that gets the players going.

Tough last ten mins but I’m not losing to a side with 83-year-old Gordon Strachan in their team.

More good news as Diego is passed fit for the West Ham, on the bench but it means I get my office back. Lad never took his shoes off and it stinks of cigars.

Nice. Even Judas (no I’m not forgiving or forgetting) gets a 10, plus Maradona get 20 mins.

Next up Barnsley away. Gazza winds Diego up by telling him the Barnsley fans will turn up with pitch forks and burning effigies after what happened 12 years before. I find Maradona in the toilets wide eyed and curled up on the floor.

Let’s say he didn’t have the best of the games.

Nor did anyone. The Zoo gets sent off and we somehow struggle to get near their goal.

This lets Man United go far ahead. Not happy.

Quarter-Final time, away to Newcastle. I tell the players they have a chance of winning this cup. And to actually win it in one game.

They actually can listen.

Remember Darren Anderton? Yeah, he was finally fit. And he scored. A chance for a semi for my players to enjoy.

I get an email while back at HQ. ‘YOUR PLAYER SAIB CAN’T PLAY FOR YOU ANYMORE’ stupid work permit was denied. Yet somehow, he gets a pay off of nearly a million.

Rules state I have to replace like for almost like. As Saib was an attacking midfielder this opens up a spot for another. Bakayoko will do. Diego asks ‘who this is?’ Gazza just wants to know if the local Ice Cream van comes to the training.

(Note the lack of screen shot, it was erm.. lost in the post)

So that rounds up part 3. The league maybe out of reach, but can we get Maradona to Wembley, to win the cup for Tottingham?

Top of the table looks like this:

And now the bottom:

Can Barnsley pull off a great escape? Probably not.

Anyway I have 43 voicemails from K.Dyer to deal with. Most of them just him talking in awful Italian.

Ciao for now.

You can follow Ross on Twitter @Riddley82

VOTE NOW! We’re looking to find the greatest CM9798 team and we need your help

CM9798: The Greatest Team

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Greetings to you. October 31st will be CM9798’s 21st birthday, so to celebrate the game being legally able to drink in America we’re going on the hunt for the greatest CM9798 11. We did a Community 11 about 3 years ago but we are older and wiser now. Neil Sullivan was in the voting for goodness sake.

The voting options are a mix of cult players with the odd genius thrown in. Ask yourself who is the CM9798 player you think of in that position. Somebody you signed all the time, an unlikely hero. We all know Rivaldo and Zidane are better than Emmers but I know who I think of when I load up CM9798.

Lining up in the famous 2-3-1-2-2 formation, I need your help in finding the greatest team of all.

Vote below – there will be weekly articles to try and sway your vote if you want to bide your time before choosing. The results will be announced on October 31st.

Goalkeeper – Click here to read more

Take Our Poll

Centre Backs – Click here to read more

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Wingbacks – Right and Left

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Defensive Midfielder – Click here to read more

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Central Midfielder – Click here to read more

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Attacking Midfielders/Forwards – Click here to read more

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Strikers – Click here to read more

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Short Stories: Kaiserslautern – Part 1

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It’s new series time! After the success of the Newcastle United short story (which went on longer than planned) I threw it over to you lot to decide what our new short story would be:

 

To Germany! But first, why Kaiserslautern?

Kaiserslautern were relegated from the German Bundesliga in the 1995/96 season. Under the guidance of former Bayern Munich manager Otto Rehhagel, they were promoted back at the first attempt. Remarkably though they went on to win the Bundesliga, pipping Bayern Munich to the title – the first side to ever win the Bundesliga title as a newly promoted team.

Somehow, I have to try and replicate that.

Obviously nothing much was expected of Kaiserslautern so their squad on CM9798 is not equipped to win the league. Real life top scorer Olaf Marschall for example isn’t bad but can he match his 21 league goals?

I guess we’ll see. The squad is full of injuries and a young Michael Ballack. Big fan of Ratinho though. As a name, at least.

There’s £3m in the bank and I don’t want to buy the usual suspects, so I’ve spent £2.4m on Laurent Robert because everyone knows his name. I’ve also never bought him on CM9798 so what a time we’ll have. Alex Notman has joined on loan, but he’s only 16 so it’s merely a squad depth exercise.

Wagner is in the Germany squad and wants to move to a bigger club. There’s nothing worse than having somebody complain at you all season so I’ve moved to cover off his exit. Incidentally we’ve made £3m in season ticket sales, so that’s something. Both come highly rated, even if their stats disagree with that.

The biggest problem is the Non-EU rules. The game says I’m allowed three but how old Otto managed it in real life I have no idea. Some EU passports I suspect. Kuka is the odd man out to begin with as Ratinho, Kadlec and Sforza are deemed more important.

We’re 1-0 down after 3 minutes. 2-0 down after 20. Great start. But there are signs of life and Marschall has us level before half time. I may grow to love him. He pops up with a late winner and he’s already a seventh of the way towards his real total.

Notman has torn a hamstring. At 16. Wow. Didn’t they teach him how to warm up in PE?

PSG and Bayern Munich bid for Wagner. Hmm. I’ve prepared for this. I don’t want their money but I will take some of their cast offs in exchange.

Before any of that can transpire though it’s Duisburg away in the cup. A match so important it’s scheduled the same day as a Czech Republic game which costs us three players though only Kadlec plays anyway. Robert starts up front with Riedl in to the left AM position. Marschall nets two more and the two afforementioned lads get on the scoresheet and we’ll see round 2.

Duisburg are a Bundesliga side, so maybe we’re not so bad. Hertha Berlin in round 2 – who have Bryan Roy, by the way.

It’s Kalrsuhe away in the league. They’ve oddly just bid for 36 year old Andreas Brehme but they have Sean Dundee and Thomas Hassler, which doesn’t bode well for us. Naturally both score but their keeper gets man of the match. It’s a heavy defeat though.

I think this is ok for us…?

Fink will play the DM role whilst Dreher is a better goalkeeper than we currently have. Dreher makes his debut away to Schalke whilst Fink is injured for a few weeks. Jens Lehmann keeps us out for an hour but Sforza eventually equalises. A good point.

Every team in the Bundesliga has one icon of the game, it’s actually incredible. A bit like the MLS a few years ago where every team had at least one player who had played in the English Leagues. Hamburg, armed with Thomas Gravesen, lead twice before Marschall nets twice to nick a point. We’re a weird team.

We beat Duisburg in the cup and are tasked with doing it again in the league. It’s a topsy turvy game but Marschall has the last word. He is good you know.

Larry Bob settles our meeting with Wolfsburg. Their DBP (designed banter player) is Claudio Reyna if you were wondering.

Hertha Berlin (Bryan Roy AND Gabor Kiraly) are next in the cup and we’ve all of a sudden become very, very dull. Larry Bob, 1-0. Again. No extra points for style.

That’s two Bundesliga sides in a row so surely we’re due some luck in round 3.

Sigh.

Bielefeld’s best known player scores twice in the opening 13 minutes to leave the Fritz Walter with all three points. That looks like a bad result but they are absolutely flying.

I really don’t fancy us at Bayern but the most ruthless goalscorer in football history gives us the lead…only for us to lose after a second half collapse.

There’s no shame in that but the board are less than satisfied. Does the term newly promoted mean nothing to the German people?

Steffen Effenberg and Borussia MGB (don’t make me type it out) are the last opponents of the update. Olaf is mad. I’m a little vexed but you’ve seen nothing like Olaf. He runs to the final seconds so he can secure his hat-trick and keeps the board off my back ahead of the International break.

Incidentally, Passlack translates from German to English as “Pulis”.

All of that leaves us 6th after just 9 games. They only play 34 in a German season and I don’t have any European commitments so it’ll be a solid three parter.

Marschall is well on the way to matching his 21. It’s the defence letting us down at the moment.

After just 9 games, the answer to “can Dave win the Bundesliga with Kaiserslautern?” is probably not. But it’s a long season and Bielefeld surely won’t keep this up. Join me next week to see what happens next.