Hello! Welcome to another new season for the CM9798 Academy. It’s season 6 and our second in the Premier League, having admirably pulled ourselves out of the fire last season to earn another shot at the big time. We’ll be keen to avoid second season syndrome but there are changes afoot.

The good news is, it’s re-gen o’clock. For those unfamiliar, when players retire they come back as a younger version with a different name but very similar stats. Their hidden stats take some building up but you know you’ve got a good player in there who will flourish with game time. Start the generation game music please.

Up first is Tarkan Waddle, or Gazza. It’s a great name that sticks to his Geordie roots…at least in the surname

Next I’d like you to meet presenter of Homes under the Hammer, Dominic Lynch.

Did somebody order Mr Wright? Because here’s Ian. I’m not 100% sure on this one but I think it’s him.

Some other new signings for some depth:

Of course it wouldn’t be an off season without some departures. Ugo Howard has departed for First Division Nottingham Forest

Interest in Hussin is still high but I can’t shift him just yet. Incidentally our stadium has been expanded again, I can’t remember if I put that on the end of the last episode or not. So…here it is.

The first day of the season arrives and to be honest I’m a bit nervous. Looking at the side it’s a bit lacklustre. I’m not sure the two re-gens are capable of starting yet and I have reservations about Buckley up front. Sedgemore is…yet to arrive. He signs in like 5 days, so just act surprised.

Newcastle away is a rough start so it’s not a surprise when we lose 2-0. There’ll be easier games.

Like Hull at home. Where we’re awful. McBride briefly restores some pride but a comeback didn’t look on the cards. We are in trouble here.

Sedgemore signs. Phew. He debuts from the bench for Bolton away which is a tight game for 70 minutes before we take a timeout and they score twice. Problems here Murray.

I’ve recalled Hussin. He wants a move to a bigger club but Waddle isn’t up to it yet. We come flying out of the blocks against Man Utd, with Hussin getting the goal. Falco makes it 2 but it’s chalked off and we go on to lose 2-1. That’s four consecutive losses.

Just when you think we’ve hit rock bottom…

Oh man. I’ll miss him. On the plus side, the tribunal nearly doubles his fee. Rock me Amadeus.

In the meantime we lose our fifth consecutive game, this time at Arsenal. I’m trying to stay calm but this is hideous.

Where did Bristol Rovers get £3.6m from? Either way, Hussin is off. The finances are excellent.

Sheff Wed at home is a great chance to get our first point at the 6th attempt. Sedgey opens his account but the potent duo of Michael Bridges and Horst Siegl send us to a 6th successive loss. Wow.

That brings an International break and more importantly time to think. What did I do when we last had a crisis? I recalled Steve Morrison. Is that feasible? After much umm-ing and arr-ing, I’ve decided to play it safe. One up front, three centre backs. Otherwise, the same formation. The result is groin grabbingly good.

Colomba in central midfield made a big difference whilst the extra centre half made a big difference. We’re still bottom but we have hope.

Off to the land of hope then, Wrexham. Back to normal.

It’s not good but I can’t say it’s my biggest priority right now. I’m all about West Ham at home and more importantly, Henning Berg putting through his own net.

The comeback is on. Then we go 1-0 down to Blackburn thanks to Kieron Dyer. But this lot have got a new lease of life and Sedgemore and Perry come up with the goods. Momentum!

Attention turns to trying to overturn that Wrexham deficit, a task made indefinitely harder by going 1-0 down after just 8 minutes. Their goalkeeper, Frank Johnson, got man of the match in the first match and he’s being a nuisance here so once Billing equalises on the night I’m delighted when he knacks their keeper. On comes one of those greyed out youth players who is a goalkeeper but my word, he might as well not be. Billing and Sedgey run wild and we’re through. Just.

West Ham in round 3. Probably not worth it.

Leeds and us shared two 9 goal thrillers, Sean Devine scored 7 across two games and I don’t want to talk about it. We lose 2-0, he doesn’t score and Perry gets a straight red for a horror tackle. Good time for an International break.

When we return it’s Derby at home. Somehow, they’re top of the table.

Honestly, I hate Gus Poyet. He’s annoyed me my entire life and look, I’m just going to say it. I’m pleased he got sacked on live TV for sh*tting on the dressing room floor. It was blatantly him. Oh we lost 3-1, but I took it in good spirits.

We finish this update at West Ham away, in the cup. They prop up the table but don’t let that fool you. We’re every bit as bad as they are.

This was awful. We managed 1 shot on target whereas they peppered us. Good riddance to that.

All of that leaves us 17th which frankly is a miracle. We’ve really had to dig deep here.

That about does it for this week, I’m aware I owe you a graduate update so I will do that next week when there’ll be less going on. As a teaser, Ryan Morrison left Man Utd without ever playing for them. For now though, I bid you farewell. Have a tremendous week.

I interviewed CM Legend Cherno Samba earlier this week – be sure to check it out here