Hello! It’s the end of another season and the excitement is off the chart. Why? Well we’re in the Champions League quarter finals and in with a chance of being in the competition again next season. Let’s remind ourselves of the league table:

Hubba hubba. Before we resume battle there though, it’s time for breakfast.

Brann seems like a favourable draw. Breakfast jokes aside, I expect us to progress here. MyBoyaboy gets us off to a great start but we are pegged back. I’m starting to fear a frustrating draw is on the cards but Powell nabs his second and Alfonso junior makes it 3-1. A buffer.

A certain sign that the tide is turning comes when we come from behind to beat Arsenal. The same duo are on the scoresheet and I’m starting to believe.

I no longer believe. A five minute double salvo has us on the back foot and a defeat at Elland Road checks our ambitions.

At least we make it through in Norway. McCallum has been incredible all season and despite Eadie Junior’s red card, it’s a comfortable passage to the semi finals.

Inter. Ronaldo. Urgh.

Hold on, it’s been a while since this happened.

Rules are rules, even if we have come a long way. Ike Mashley still needs his money. £7m for a backup striker seems steep but maybe that’s my fault for him being backup.

I don’t like selling him to a rival. McCallum reminds me why he was keeping Lunt on the bench with a 1st minute strike against Barnsley. Woooo.

That sets us up nicely for the visit of Inter Milan. Heddle and Quaranta have to line up at centre back due to injuries and suspensions and although they try, it’s hardly fair. Ronaldo equalises and Herivelto puts them in front but McBride, my hero forever, nets a late equaliser. Well done that man.

Sheff Utd away is not the match I want now. It gives Iversen yet another chance to get one over us and naturally he makes it 2-2 in a crazy game. We’re 3-2 up at half time and look set for a vital win until Heritage smashes one into his own net. I always find it odd when a goalkeeper “overhits the chip…” – what would he possibly be trying? Anyway, it’s a point.

That is followed by a late loss to West Ham, who have a good record against us in recent years. Annoying.

Luckily, Chelsea are fairly woeful and we put them to the sword.

One step forward, two steps back. Aston Villa defeat us on Easter Monday and now we are tired ahead of our trip to Milan.

Inter Milan are good. Too good for us. We have a chance when Alfonso junior reduces the arrears to 2-1 on the night and 4-3 on aggregate, but with Quaranta already off his partner Canas heads into his own net from a corner and that’s that.

We can now at least focus on being in that competition next season. A win over big rivals Man City gives us every chance.

Four games to go and we are top of the pile. Everton could be though if they win their game in hand whilst Man City would overtake us on goal difference if they win theirs.

A trip to Spurs is never easy and although we are behind early, we rally in style and run out 5-2 winners. Three points and the goal difference is boosted. Nice.

Bottom club Norwich should be cannon fodder but they take the lead. We do nothing the easy way. The two Scots claw us ahead and Eadie junior scores against his…retired self’s former club. That’s a complicated rabbit hole.

Good news, Everton have bottled it. Man City too. We could win the title with victory at Old Trafford. That would be quite something.

We’re behind to Simao but McCallum equalises ten minutes from time. I decide to throw caution to the wind, sensing we could get this done tonight and save us a nerve shredding trip to Ewood Park. We come close but can’t find the winner. To the final day!

A draw won’t be enough as Everton have a superior goal difference. Be that as it may, I wouldn’t play for a draw in this situation. You’ve got to master your own destiny or something.

To Ewood then and the Japhet N’Doram re-gen stands between the Academy and the Premier League title. I will confess to feeling a little nervous. Powell, lovely sweet reliable Powell, puts us ahead but Minhoha (N’Doram) equalises. For one minute. McCallum strikes back before Larmour makes it 3-1. I’m looking forward to my half time victory speech but Minhoha is at it again just before the break. 3-2 and not comfortable, but I’d rather be in our position.

Straight after half time and a free kick outside the box is smashes home by Larmour. Stay calm. McCallum rounds the keeper – it’s FIVE! Don’t stay calm. Go mad. Champions can do what they want.

YES! 37 weeks of graft and selling players I didn’t want to sell and we’ve done it. We have one of the worst defences in the entire league but we are the top scorers – the way it always was.

McCallum was involved in 48 of our goals. That’s mad. He only averaged 7.15, inexplicable really. He’s 23 and has no caps for Scotland.

He’s wanted by Rangers, Chelsea and Arsenal so he may well be the next to go. But he will leave with a Premier League winners medal.

Important news:

You better believe it. With that, I’m off for another week. Yes, I am going to cuddle my pretend Premier League trophy in bed. Don’t pretend you wouldn’t do the same.

Graduate of the week

Now we’re champions I feel I can laugh in the face of these people who upped and left. Here’s Rowdy Roddy Anderson/Colin Hendry who got no game time at Man Utd yet doubled his transfer fee. Kids these days…