Bonjour! Welcome to Thursday, the new home of Mulhouse. After two seasons in the second tier of French football, today we start season 3 in the top tier. That sounds like it should be a good thing but there may be trouble ahead. For starters, we’re still the least desirable club to join in the world. I don’t know why, maybe Mulhouse was twinned with Sunderland or something but either way, I hope our stars of Ligue 2 can step up as there’s no help on the way. Catch up with the end of season two here.

Oh my you do spoil us. £170k?! You shouldn’t have.

I’ve managed to get one over Colchester and signed Brian Deane. It’s a bit much calling him England International Brain Deane, he hasn’r represented his country for quite some time. Mind you, he did score the first ever Premier League goal.

One signing I am happy with is Billy Mac. He’s one of the Partick Thistle youth superstars and also starred in Love Actually. That aggression of 20 will be problematic but he’s a young man, he might learn (he won’t, but that’s not the point).

To be honest I had expected to phase out old Pennyfarthing given he is now 36 but a remarkable lack of interest means that won’t be possible. Star man Vareille is also injured, so I’m having to play Nathan Blake. Brian Deane waits coiled like an old knackered spring.

Our first game is against Cannes, home of the film festival. Nathan Blake proves the doubters wrong with an early opener but it finishes 1-1 despite our best efforts. They finished 15th so that’s kind of the pond we are fishing in.

A trip to Strasbourg is a bit of an eye opener. They have 10 men for the majority but we still lose and barely lay a glove on them. On the plus side, I liked Ligue 2 so it’ll be nice to be back there.

Vareille returns though and we’re a different team. Poor old Nantes can’t handle the famous four and even Pennyfather scores. We’re going to make it afteraaalllll

It’s always nice to be offered a job without even applying. Marseille are keen on my services but I’m afraid the answer is no.

They opt for the rather more qualified Gerard Houllier in the end.

Off to Lens then and Pennyfather continues to defy years/time in general by putting us 2-1 up. It finishes 2-2 but positive signs I’d say.

Montpellier have sold Bakayoko which is good news for me. Sadly when it says “Four sent off” it is Jerome Four rather than four individuals. It’s another point.

We take out our frustrations on Metz. Silly old Metz. My worry remains that Vareille, Natigol and Olivero all have big club release clauses.

My worry over Olivero is that his contract expires at the end of this season and he won’t sign a new one as he wants to leave. This hat-trick not only knocks Auxerre out of the cup but serves as a reminder of how good he is.

I’d like to add some more quality to the squad and I’ve found everyone’s favourite Icelandic re-gen. Presumably some genius said “put in every first name with son on the end and it’ll be fine” but er, nobody excluded Adolf from that.

By a quirk in the fixture list we have Auxerre at home in the league just two days after that thrashing in the cup. Pennyfather gets sent off for arguing about Lord Palmerstone but even with ten men, we still come back to win 2-1.

We’ve started to compete so it’s annoying when Natigol gets ruled out for a month. Two of those weeks are an International break, which helps, but then this happens and I want to smash my laptop in.

PSG at home is a huge challenge. They’ve actually appointed Jean Tigana from Monaco after England stole Fernandez. Denilson gives them the lead but we come back strong and Olivero equalises to earn us a famous point.

When we take the lead at Monaco I’m starting to dream of a famous victory but it lasts less than a minute before permanent pest Viktor Ikpeba scores and then smashes in an injury time winner. He was a pest to the Academy and he’s a pest here.

Pennyfather returns from his ban to give us the lead in the cup at Sochaux. At 3-0 I’m loving life but they get it back to 3-2 and in the end it’s a relief when the whistle goes.

I haven’t researched the French League Cup but I assume it’s as pointless in France as it is in England e.g. there is no European qualification. In the quarters, it’ll be Nimes or PSG. So PSG then.

The visit to Marseille could have been a “look what you could have had” but presented by Gerard Houllier rather than Jim Bowen. Glenn Pennyfather was there at the birth of Jim Bowen and he seals the win at Stade Velodrome.

That brings us to the end of this episode, but first a quick look at the table.

7th is better than I expected, but I’m surprised to see Nantes in 2nd after I beat them 6-2.

Here’s just how the squad looks these days, I think the only change I haven’t told you of was the signing of Arphexad on a free to replace Betterton who wanted to leave.

Can we build on a promising start? Maybe some quality players will want to join us soon. Find out next week if we’re going anywhere in a hurry!