Bonjour! Welcome back to Mulhouse, where we’ve decided to have a crack at the Champions League. We’ve been handed a group so poor we’ve already qualified for the knockouts and our attempts to retain Ligue 1 have got off to a good start. Can we turn the screw in the all important middle update? Let’s find out after reminding ourselves of where we pick up:

It’s League Cup time as we continue to fight on four fronts. Red Castle are no match for us and Dolly Mixtures continues to develop. A good day.

Metz are also unable to stop this freight train from hell, despite being briefly level. The South American duo of Rai and Trotta ensure we leave with another 3 points.

Anderlecht is a dead rubber but we haven’t lost all season and I’m not prepared to start now. It’s a Dolmio day again and a comfortable victory. Five from five.

Our run is in serious jeopardy as we fall 2-0 behind to Lorient. Monacchino is not a coffee. Rai pulls us out of the mess but Ginola won’t be seen for a while. Attendances will fall.

Poor David.

Another David is in for a surprise telegram though. England have qualified for Euro 2004 and Luis Fernandez has been sacked because…it always happens. Anyway, my country needs me.

It’s actually the perfect time to get the job. Qualification is in the bag, we are hosting the 2006 World Cup (so I can essentially holiday for 2 years after the Euros) and above all, I can finally cap Glenn Pennyfather.

Meanwhile a 2-1 win over Auxerre proves I can do both jobs.

A trip to Belgrade ends with yet another three points. The full house for Mulhouse. See you in the last 8.

Auxerre!? Great. We know we have the beating of them so that’s not bad at all. Ravenna, if you remember, are in Serie B. They’re top of Serie B and Champions League holders. Right.

My England squad was already named so no Pennyfather yet, here’s what I’m going with. I won’t focus much on this because some of these people mean nothing to me.

Robbie Fowler knows what to do.

Meanwhile it’s the month long break in France so I’ve poached this Teddy chap for £325k. He seems reasonable.

The action resumes and Nimes briefly threaten a comeback but it amounts to nothing. Hurrah.

Toulon are in Ligue 2 so getting them in the Cup quarters is a great draw. They are sent packing with minimal fuss.

As are Lyon, Del at the double to move us clear at the top.

Monaco are not the team they once were. Ikpeba remains a nuisance but when we’re already 4-0 up when he scores, I don’t mind as much. One day they will be relegated and I will sign him.

The unbeaten run is in danger again as we trail 2-0 at Bastia, who have given us more trouble than most this season. Once again Rai helps dig us out and Trotta scores a late equaliser. Relief.

Two days later and another cup game has come and gone. We don’t really do clean sheets, which is starting to catch up with us.

Marseille are part of the chasing pack and future Crystal Palace man Joonas Kolkka equalises from 30 yards. Barthez is a bit of a knob sometimes. Dolly Mixtures replaces the injury Leroy and wins it for us, what a lad.

PSG are a fading force and we lead 2-0 and 3-1…with 10 minutes to go. Those defensive frailties show again though and Florian Maurice converts a stoppage time penalty. Billy Mac going off injured certainly didn’t help.

The warning signs have been there and despite leading at Nancy, they peg us back before stunning us with a late winner. We lasted until February which is a great run to have but it is over…at the hands of 17th placed Nancy.

The French FA Cup remains within our grasp as Guingamp are swatted aside. We are functional but rarely brilliant these days.

Maybe they heard me. Nantes are put to the sword in one of our best performances of the season. We’re still top and on course to retain.

It’s a nice way to warm up for Auxerre in the Champions League. It’s a tight game but Larry Leroy shows why I spent a small amount of money on him by scoring the decisive goal. An away lead to bring back home, we’re in a good position to advance but with our defence you wouldn’t bet on it.

Why are the minnows causing us so much trouble? We lead at Gueugnon for an awful long time but concede a late sucker punch. Drat.

The gap is 4 points. It’s good but not great. There’s a clash with Strasbourg still to come which might be pivotal. Martigues haven’t fallen away as I thought they might.

All in all it leaves things finely poised for next week. Four cups for Mulhouse and then the Euro’s with England. I purposefully haven’t gone through the England squad much as this save is all about Mulhouse but I’ll tag England on the end next week. The group is Belgium, France and Italy which is an absolute nightmare really. Italy were runners up in the 2002 World Cup so we’ve got our work cut out. See you soon!