Well what do we have here. Rob’s back! Remember Rob? What’s he up to?

July 1^st 1997, Real Madrid have won La Liga with a side full of international talent, however it hasn’t all been plain sailing.  Manager Fabio Capello and Club President Lorenzo Sanz had multiple fallings out during the season and Cappello has left after just a year in charge.  Lorenzo has decided enough is enough, Los Blancos need to change direction.  The Galacticos are becoming the Un-capt-icos, but what does mean? Lorenzo tells the other board members.

They can’t play here if they have played or go on to play for their country. No exceptions. If they have a cap we can’t sign them and if they get a cap they’re gone.

There are murmurs of disbelief in the board room, some even go so far as to say this idea will never work, these players are bound to get called up to play for their country and what then?  Simple says Lorenzo, we sell those putas and buy more f**king players this Real “bloody” Madrid who wouldn’t want to come here!

With that the matter is closed, well for a season at least, or maybe less.  Lorenzo appoints an unknown manager of unknown origins who spends the summer trawling through his excel spread sheet assembling a squad of players who fulfil this one golden rule and to be fair to Mr Nobody he doesn’t do a bad job, because, thanks to limited researching and/or time the CM9798 database contains some absolute gems who don’t seem to have ever played for their country.

The Un-capt-icos are born.

**Full disclaimer, Canizares does have some caps, Mr Nobody messed up before he even began, but don’t worry he never gets a game and is heading straight to the B Squad**

They even have a B team, containing some legends of blogs gone by.

As things get underway our first game of the season is at home to Barcelona in the Super Copa Espanola Final first leg, I’m pretty happy with the team we field, the only notable absence being Batigol who arrived injured.  The staring XI and formation look like this.

Heavy work is made of ten-man Barcelona, Vitor Baia is in typically excellent form, but Rui and Sanchez’s early goals put us ahead going into the second leg.

Sunday 10^th August 1997, international call ups are announced, this seems to have come around so quickly we’ve only played one game.  Carbone, Stam, Rui Costa, Morientes, Sanchez Fernando and Batigol all get called up.  I know that some of these guys will be gone before the season even properly begins.  

After the low of Sunday’s news, we manage to secure an away goals win in the Supa Copa and a first trophy for Mr Nobody and his uncapped heroes.

Wednesday 20^th August, after 35 days the Un-capt-icos lose their first group of players, the draw of representing their nation in an international friendly proving too much for the likes of Rui Costa, Batigol, Sanchez Fernando and Jaap Stam.  Carbone and Morientes didn’t play and so are welcome back with open arms, the others are immediately transfer listed.

Our first league game comes too late for Batigol who didn’t even get a chance to play a match due to injury, but this is the way my Un-capt-icorians. A little reshuffle sees Dario Hubbs replace Fernando and N’Doram fills the hole that Rui has vacated behind the front two.  It’s a smashing and apparently shocking victory away to Mallorca, it appears the Spanish press are not too sure what to make of the goings on at the Bernabeu.

What a difference a week makes.  In an even match, that some might argue we had the better of, Valencia wallop us.  Maybe replacing a prime Jaap Stam with an aging Steve Bruce wasn’t the best idea.  No, I’m not buying that, this was just one of those games, we are going to have to put it behind us.

The following day Carbone is called up to the Italian squad but I can’t say I’m too fussed Raffaele Longo has replaced him in the starting XI and we always have Paulo Di Canio or maybe even Franz Carr to replace him.

We get back to winning ways at home to Salamanca, D Hubbs recording his first, second and third for the club with an awesome hat trick.  There certainly seems to be goals in this formation which will hopefully keep the board and our fans excited.

We are on the right end of another five-goal thriller and I’m starting to wonder if I might have not spent enough time on the goalkeepers, defenders and central midfielders when putting this squad together, or maybe the formation is just a bit leaky.

The Un-capt-icos first taste of champions league football takes place in the Netherlands, a tricky match against PSV. It’s another high scoring affair that we are once again on the right side of.  I’ve decided not to worry about conceding goals we will just focus on scoring more that the opposition and that way we won’t lose.

Scrap that plan, for the first time this season the attendance goes above 100,000 but we can’t beat Bilbao from a winning position. Score more goals than the opposition guys, that was the plan.

I’ve decided the defence isn’t good enough, so there is only one thing for it, I buy Steve Watson from Newcastle for £1.6 million.  I love Steve Watson, he in the epitome of Un-capt-ico greatness, this is a wonderful signing.

Steve comes straight into the first team and it’s clear from the off that he is a difference maker at the back.  D Hubbs chugging along nicely gets a second hat trick for the club.

After shoring up the defence with Steve I feel like replacements for Batigol and Fernando are needed.  Fortunately, everyone’s favourite Ivorian hasn’t got a cap yet so in he comes.  I strengthen the midfield, bringing in a young French lad by the name of Afanou, I’ve never signed him before, don’t know anything about him but his stats are good, he plays in defence and midfield which is needed.  Finally a second Frenchman joins, surprisingly he doesn’t have any caps either, not sure how long that will last but that sort of forward planning isn’t really what this is all about, welcome Sylvain.

With that business concluded the transfer window closes, I can’t really remember when it opens again and all I can really hope is that we have enough depth to ride out any player losses, we should be alright, after all Mick Quinn and David Brown are in the B Squad.

The final game of September and it’s a regular sort of score line. Georgie, D Hubs and Raffa Longo each get a goal.  Raffa seems pretty tidy on the right wing keeping out Carbone and Di Canio.  

Lorenzo swings by to say he is pleased with the performances so far as we move into October. We take that confidence into our match against Sparta Prague who are brushed aside in our Champions league group game.

Another home game in the league, Georgie and D Hubbs doing the business again and only the single goal conceded.  That’s four conceded in the last three matches compared to nine in the three before that, progress?

DISASTER, what the actual f**k has happened, this has hit me like a tonne of bricks, not since I was dumped in Year 9 have I been so unexpectedly side swiped.  D Hubbs who was fast becoming a legend and poster child of the Un-Capt-icos brand snuck off to play for Italy.  I don’t think the game even told me he had been called up.  I mean look at this squad, what is Cesare Maldini playing at selecting him.  D Hubbs, you gave me the best virtual two months and nineteen days of my life, but you know the rules, it breaks my heart to do it but you are done here.

Oh, and it wasn’t even worth it because you lost 5-2 and got injured!

In other news, Bakayoko played against San Marino in a friendly so he’s out as well.

In more positive news, we beat Compostela 3-0 at the Bernabeu, Steve Bruce puts in a man of the match performance, Mori replaces D Hubbs and gets a goal, as does Carbone, although I’m not sure why he is playing instead of Raffa, must have been some sort of squad rotation.

The final game of part one is against Betis, in a tight match I thought we had won it when they scored an 81^st minute own goal, only for super Stevie Watson to do the same four minutes later. Obviously Oli goes and gets an 89^th minute winner.  Our third loss in ten league games.

We currently sit 5^th in the table outscoring the four teams above us by six to nineteen goals, however we have conceded ten to fourteen more as well, I think I know what our issue is, I’ll be looking for a striker when the transfer window opens.

What, I’m sure you are asking, has become of the capped players. The ones who, due to their desire to play for their country at the highest level against teams like San Marino are no longer welcome?  Well I’ve made a handy table for you to look at.

Player	Appearances	Goals	Avg. rating	Current location
Jaap Stam	2	0	7.00	Real Madrid B (Transfer listed)
Gabriel ‘Batigol’ Batistuta	0	0	—-	Real Madrid B (Transfer listed)
Rui Costa	2	1	7.00	Barcelona (£8.5m)
Sanchez Fernando	2	2	7.50	Valencia (£11.5m)
Santiago Canizares	0	0	—-	Jaen (£1.1m)
Ibrahima Bakayoko	1	0	7.00	Real Madrid (Transfer listed)
Dario ‘The Bison’ Hubner	9	16	8.33	Real Madrid (Transfer listed)

As we leave this episode can I ask that we all just take a moment to reflect on the outstanding nine match Real Madrid career of Dario Hubner and think about what might have been had he not decided to captain his country to a 5-2 loss.

We miss you Bison x