Welcome to a world where in mid-1997, the Premier League experiment has failed. The sponsors have fallen away, Sky Sports have gone running to the hills. The clubs have gone bust! But there’s a saviour in town.

The Premier League has been saved from the jaws of death. A new owner has stepped in, taken on all the club and league debt. But who you ask? Why the worlds largest scarf production company. And to take on such a demand, they have but one ask…

…all teams must merge with their deadliest rivals to ensure the long-life of the half and half scarf. It didn’t go down well. Some clubs couldn’t find a real rival so didn’t make the cut. West Ham and Millwall (Westwall) are operating a three changing room stance. Two home dressing rooms and one away.

This shock means all the clubs have 1 for ‘blend’. In addition, they all have balances of just £10k and are currently managers, rudderless ships. Who will step in and take on the awful job? Who will the clubs sell to balance the books? Will there be fighting in the stands?

Okay, so on with the blasphemy, let us meet the teams. The clubs were allowed the best 14 players from each team. Although some have already decided to cut their roster.

A City United

Manchester is now a one club town. How will Kinkladze and Keane pair up in midfield? Will anyone turn up to see it?

Arseham Hotguns FC

Arsenal and Tottenham fans, look away now. Mind, look at that attack. Klinsmann, Wright, Ferdinand, Bergkamp, Iversen, Overmars, Ginola…who can stop that?

Astoningham Villity

This could be one of the most offensive squads ever. Surely Steve Bruce will step up to take on this job?

Burnburn Rovers

Everything must burn. Blackburn and Burnley. They already look like a few want to jump ship. And who can blame them?

Crystal Dons

A match made in hell? There’s an opportunity to win big for this squad. I think this is one of the better teams. If they can stick it out, they’ll do well.

Derbyham Foresty

Could European success be in the offing? It’s Woan’t be easy. The fans will hate it, but that is another decent squad.

Everpool FC

Probably the only club where the fans are arm in arm rejoicing that they can now sit together 38 games a year. Another side with endless attacking talent. Stacked.

Fulsea FC

No, it’s not Inter Milan. It’s Fulham and Chelsea. Tony Thorpe gets his big move from the start of the game for once. Defensively, this side looks as s*** as Chelsea do at the start of 1997-98.

Leedsfield Town

For some reason, they’ve already felt it necessary to release, that’s right release, Jimmy Floyd. What is going on here. Nigel will be  a busy man as I’m not sure this squad will score many.

Lutford FC

Two clubs saw a path back to the big time and thought, “I’m having that”. Putting aside their difference Luton and Watford saw a chance to make some money and get relegated.

Norpswich

Not sure this one needs explaining. Some excellent youth talent on display. Wright, Dyer, Eadie, O’Neill, Johnson, Danny Mills. Can the Nor-folk get over it and get going?

Old Dale FC

As founder members of the Premier League, Oldham were offered a chance to return, but at a cost. Dragging Rochdale kicking and screaming with them. Quite possibly guaranteed 20^th place.

Portshampton

There’s be some brick throwing in the home end, into the home end. These two do not like each other. The Southampton boys want out.

Portstoke Valiants

Another opportunist. Big Nev in the sticks should be a plus but it’s hard to see any others. Foyle and Thorne will need to fill their boots.

Readford Oxes

“Things, can only get shitter…” rings out from the tanoy. Nicky Banger and Darren Caskey probably the players to look to.

Rovering Bristolian City

Another City united behind one team. Ian Holloway and Shaun Dyche vying for the leadership of the squad. That will hurt both physically and emotionally.

Suncastle AFC

There will be tantrums. There will be fury. There will be name calling. Kevin Ball and David Batty will have to reign them in.

Wednesday United

The steel city. Blue and Red coming together. Spoilt for choice at centre back. I think that’s it!

West Wolverich Bromderers

What the actual f***? Scarf Ltd just couldn’t come up with anything better. The colours though. And Steve Bull. Good times.

Westwall

Certainly not least, but here we are last at Senegal Park. Yes, if I forgot, the grounds have been renamed. Fighting in the changing rooms, fighting in the stands, fighting on the pitch. Julian Dicks. Carl Veart. What could go wrong?

After that whistle stop tour. If you think it’s mad, good. It is. So do come back next week to see what happens when the season gets going! The new sponsors will be wanting their money’s worth from this venture.