Welcome back to Daft C***** ‘R’ Us here at cm9798.co.uk! Another week and that means more madness in the house of scarves. Want to catch up on last week? No, no you don’t. Let’s get on with it then.

We open with a visit to Europe, and a plucky A City United pull of an away steal in the first leg of their CL Quarter Final.

Premier League results see the Crystal Dons pick back up with a 3-0 home win.

Ekoku and Gayle paired back together turning it around.

Elsewhere it’s another jolly time at Suncastle where the Hassleman comes back from injury only to pick up another injury. The German Gazza it would appear.

Back to Europe and Everpool leave it all to do.

Meanwhile, A City United cruise into the semis with a little help from Horlock and Kinkladze.

Readford are the latest to splash to cash on a Romanian.

He looks cack.

The Crystal Dons are back to being s***.

Olddale really give their survival chances a boost.

And Burnburn’s excellent record of signings is working wonders.

As I suspected would happen, Everpool are out. They just didn’t have enough.

What a sickner.

Hay there, look at this. Seems a big outlay for a player I’ve never noticed much before.

Speaking of money. Money goes to money.

The last round of March is a bit of a washout.

Burnburn manage only a draw at home to Readford despite signing Rob Lee!

And with that, March is over, and I suspect the bottom three are down and gone, notwithstanding a miracle.

Robbie Fowler picks up a 5-game ban.

Keane, Klinsmann and Scholes will share a 3-game ban.

De Goey and Bosnich get a further 20-point ability deduction.

So, there you have it. What have we learned? Nothing, except signing unknown foreign players in a relegation scrap is pointless. See you next time when we will be close to burying this absolute pile of piss whiffle once and for all.