We’re now entering 1998/99, which in real life saw Ross County still stuck in Division Three. We, on the other hand, have somehow yo-yo’d our way a division ahead of history, which means the challenge rule for the season is delightfully simple: don’t get relegated. I’ll take that.

The squad stumbled its way through Division Three last year, but Division Two feels like another world. We need a few reinforcements — ideally without spending money we don’t have. Which is awkward, because we currently have… –£47k. In 1998 money that’s, what, a small bungalow?

On the shopping list:
– a centre-back (or two) to support Ross 1
– a backup wing-back
– backup DMC to give Bannon a breather
– body behind Adams in MC
– right-mid cover for Stevens
– left-mid cover because Broddle is both old and average

So naturally, my opening gamble is Dave Rogers. Strong lad. Tough lad. Aggression levels of a peaceful yoga instructor, but still.

Danny Granville managed a whole three games before that bothersome ‘big club release clause’ sees him swanning off to Brum. Chairman Roy spunked £575k on him, the tribunal return of £90k does not please him much! A full financial meltdown before a ball is kicked. Gorgeous start.

Then comes McMinn. I remember him at Burnley when I was a young season-ticket holder — ancient, creaking, and yet still able to glide past defenders like he existed in another dimension. Lost a foot due to infection in real life, but frankly, I doubt it’s slowed the Tin Man down much.

Sad news next: Our best CB Bellshaw retires.

…and Furphy follows him into the light.

But reinforcements eventually arrive: Nevin and Gillespie, proper international pedigree from both sides of the Mersey. And the regens begin to emerge too — Kane (Jim Leighton), Geraghty (Brian McClair), and Rae (Graham Sharp). I take full credit for spotting all of them, of course. Let’s hope I last long enough in the job to see them blossom, some serious heritage with 121 Scotland caps between them.

We line up for the League Cup opener against our old friends CowandBeef

Connelly bags one, clean sheet, everyone goes home happy.

Then comes the future: Ross 4. Yes, the surname counts. A potential heir to Ross 1 at centre-back. The Highland cloning program continues.

Any delusions of grandeur are immediately crushed by Forfar, who help themselves to five (not quite Forfar four) goals. A proper welcome to Division Two.

The cup then gifts us a tie against old Division Three foes Alloa, who promptly turn us into their giant-killing highlight reel. Terrible debut from Nicky Ross. Should’ve had him do a Crimewatch reconstruction of all five goals we conceded.

Then suddenly half the English Premier League start bidding for Mainwaring. Fantastic. Another hole to fill, because life wasn’t stressful enough. He scores a goodbye goal before we batter Dumbarton in the cup. The McClair regen gets his first too.

Ridsdale’s mob swoop for our starlet. On the upside, the tribunal nearly doubles their offer. Even Chairman Roy stops moaning long enough to celebrate.

We patch up the defence with a Derby loanee who can head and tackle — luxurious traits for a defender, I’ve been told. Let’s hope he has the Hart to go with his stats.

Next match ends with a power outage in the 81^st minute, and only 400 fans in attendance. Division Two continues to be a struggle though as we go down 1-0 to the ten mighty men of Morton.

But then — Bannon returns from his fractured jaw. And immediately we play like vintage 1970s Brazil. We absolutely torch Stenhousemuir, who, for the record, are named after a stone house and are located roughly a million miles from Dingwall.

We fight well in the next one but can’t get over an eighth-minute keeper red, and that’s that.

Time to spend the Mainwaring money, then. First up: Festus Agu, a Ghanaian international and one of my long-term cult favourites. IRL he bounced around Spain and the German second division, before becoming a solicitor in London. He’d likely raise an objection to his CM2 profile, as despite being Nigerian he has ten caps for Ghana! I’d try for an interview to add in here, but his rates start at £197 per hour, so maybe not….

Then another bargain: £200 per week for a player you absolutely recognise.

We soon see why. Immediate chaos, immediate goals, immediate badge-kissing. The Highland Zlatan is born. He’ll almost certainly be lost on a tribunal by March, but what a glorious parade while it lasts.

On a side note I looked up our new starlet to see how his IRL career progressed. Sadly he died in May following a long battle with MS. If you fancy a read about a CM2 legend there’s an autobiography I’ll soon be digging in to.

RIP to a Bonafide CM2 and lower league legend.

3–2 cup exit follows — dramatic, but irrelevant.

Two days later, we absolutely rout East Fife to close out this chapter.

And so we sit 4th, a decent recovery after the rocky start.

The squad? Ballooned to 30 players.

Ages ranging from 18 to 41 — roughly the entire male population of that range in Dingwall. Statistically, if you stop 20 random men in the High Street, one of them probably plays for Ross County at this point.

Join me next time as I maybe trim the squad, definitely concede Highland goals galore, and continue the ongoing quest for more men named Ross.

Ross!