In the ever deafening echo chamber of arguments regarding victimhood where today’s pasty and bloated windbags wrestle with the reality that the tables have turned and their halcyon days of egotistical, self-centred and self-righteous are coming to a close, so is the Scottish FA’s tinnitus inducing wining and moaning that the duopoly they so cherish is under threat of our boys in gold and black. Edinburgh may be the cultural capital of Scotland, but Glasgow is the footballing epicentre and no out-of-towners of the provinces is going to change that.
Try as we might for the last 3 seasons, we’ve only managed to wedge ourselves between the two brooding mares of Scottish Football, but this year could be change that. Ourselves and Celtic were stretching our legs and showing what our haggises were made off before Rangers reeled us back in like a big ol’ juicy Salmon. Swimming upstream being an appropriate metaphor.
Peter is taking Alloa into their 7th season and hopes are high that this, finally, will be the year they topple Rangers. What can go wrong?
Nothing much changes north of the boarder. Rangers piledriving every league with 6 (six) championships in 6 (six), no relegation or promotion from Division 3, and we’ve got £29m in the bank and no one to buy because either a) there is no one out there with an Alba birth certificate worth spending it on or b) our reputation is still minimal even though for the 2nd year in a row, we’re in the Champions League. I can’t quite tell if we’ve moved up the epileptic rollcall of reputes. So, we plough our lonesome furrow with the usual miserable looking faces that skirt the dressing room walls.
There are at least two itching to pack their backs and wave farewell after rumours of golden streets and English Premiership riches. Charles Stirling has been an ever present in gold, but I think it’s time he went. His moral is dragging the mood down and Newcastle aren’t really a threat to us.
Peter’s Alloa lads have reached the end of another season but is this the year they finally topple Rangers?
“Light rain is on the light dust,
The grass of the Recreation pitch
Will be growing greener and greener,
But you, Sir, had better take Buckie ere your departure,
For you will have no fans about you
When you come to the gates of Ibrox.” – Rihaku or Omakitu.
We’re coming to the final straight of an epic season with our form fluttering between Superb and Okay. We still must play Rangers another 4 (four!) times before we can jet off to the Majorca poolside.
The threads are stretching and sheering of Rangers coattails as we grasp with all our might. Celtic are a good 11 points behind us in their own little world and enough of a buffer between ourselves.
Peter made a great start to season 6 last week so can Alloa keep it going and continue their title challenge? And what of that Champions League group?
“Here we are, picking the first thistle-heads
And saying; When shall we win the Premiership?
Here we are because we have the Blues for our foemen,
We have no comfort because of those Rangers.” – Mei Sheng 140BC.
We strain and we stumble, we fight and we fumble but Rangers, 5 (five) title in 5 (five) season are there again, suspiciously laughing it up with the top brass of the FA. Celtic and the Green Men Hibs are following close behind.
Peter is back in the Alloa hotseat as our descent into the weekend begins. It’s a new season but that pesky BCR clause is back…
“The stadium steps are already quite wet with dew / It is so late that the dew soaks my All Stars / And I let down the crystal curtain / And watch the mighty Alloa through the clear autumn” – Rihaku
Are we too big for our boots now? Or are the boots of an appropriate size that the feet have developed elephantiasis, no matter the attempts stretch the leather can it accommodate the gross out of proportion appendages? Each time the summer sun rises over the garden fence, my phone rings and I’m called back into the office to be greeted by the dirty smirk of a diamond studded and tattoo emblazened football agent knowing he possesses the upper hand of the Big-Club Release Clause.
The first to pack his bags is Graeme Brennan. Middlesbrough were the first to approach before the usual pile on began. Unlike Deep Blue, the gaming algorithms never learn and he decides sit the next few years out in the Liverpool reserves.
The end of the week is getting closer. Here’s Peter to guide you through Thursday morning with a trip to Alloa
” ‘Sancho to Man U’ Goldbridge sings / But that’s just speculation, Mark / The only joy that heaven brings / Are goals at Recreation Park” – Modern Alloa Proverb.
Ploughing our Scottish furrow and we’re unbeaten so far, although half of our matches have been cup competitions with the league taking a back seat. No doubt the FA has some weeze up it’s sleeve to dispatch our way.
Here’s Peter Jones to start our gentle glide towards the weekend. Alloa enjoyed a reasonable first season in the Scottish Premier League, can they back it up with a good start to season 5?
“Down the lane and toward the Rec / Where the mud is a deep as your boots / Cross the white line and the ball you’ll collect / Run to the box; eyeball the keeper and shoot.” Old Scottish Sporting Proverb.
Coming back to the office after a sojourn in the Shetlands, and I can see the vestige of building work taking place at the Rec. The board are no where to be seen but amid my stuffed pigeonhole, there’s a note from the suits.
Bloody hell. Best take these bids seriously then. Matthews is the first one to go. He’s been good but £2.2m is nothing to be sniffed at. He never made the international grade either so I’m not too disappointed.
“Fit to manage? No, not to live. O Alloa miserable. With an untitled tyrant bloody-sceptered, what shall thou see they wholesome days again?” Not one for optimism, this Macduff fella, that we can turn the season around. Although he has sensed how low the morale is in the dressing room. What’s up with everyone?? I know we’re following the Steve Seagal approved method of anti-therapy but we’re in the Premiership lads! Come on!
A bad run of form has seen us wallowing in the mud and mire. We’re pretty much safe from the drop but nothing higher than 4th can realistically achieved.
I’ve place McDaid, the all-round wizard, into the advancing midfield role and he returns my confidence in his abilities by getting a goal and an assist in the space of two minutes.
I decide to bolster the front line up even more, and the Bunnymen are robbed of their front man. He’s injured at the moment but at least he’s feeling alright, unlike the rest of the miserable lot he’s about to join.
After his 2nd goal, McDaid gives me same look Jay Boothroyd gave Mick McCarthy after his one and only dazzling display in Old Gold. 5 (five) goals?? Worryingly, they’re all coming from midfield.
The Jack-the-Green clad Hibs are put aside by another McDaid goal. He’s really proving a point now…
McCulloch plays his first match and grabs a brace while McDaid is really taking the piss now.
It’s coming to international break time while more matches are being re-arranged through the cup progress of other teams so we’re able to have a nice break. I also decide to bring in another striker to nail on our goalscoring streak. Billy Spence has been moaning and he’s sold on deadline day. You’ve been good but £800k is a pretty good return.
I also sign the Scottish one and only, complete with a leather jacket, unplugged Strat and beauty spot. He’s bursting with joy and song!
Thomo gets one in on his debut and we’ve played the bottom four in the last five games to bring our form back on line.
Our new frontline in clicking nicely and we match our previous meetings result. Amazingly, we’re up to 3rd!
Our optimism is dashed by a very drab 0-0. Spring is in the air, but not in our feet.
Two days later, we’re at Ibrox being slaughtered. Cairns, hands and legs ablur, and we nick a point.
At least the board are happy with that, even though we drop back down to 4th.
Hibs come back for more punishment but our Bunnyman is striking the right chord.
With two matches to go, Dundee are a point above us in 3rd. They quickly turn on the Brown stuff and it looks like we’ll have to settle for 4th. But side 2 has the better tunes and Denham gets a last minute winner!
Just Celtic to play to try on the last day of the season to secure 3rd. Emile, the fasted man over 6 yards (standing to the floor) gives us the nerve-jangles. But that man McDaid pulls one back and we’re left to tune into Ray Stubbs who has control over the vidiprinter these days.
Word comes through that Dundee Utd have have also drawn and amazingly, we finshed 3rd. 3RD!!!!!
Money!!! Actual money too!
I decide to skip the end of year awards bash and have an early night. By dawn and my sleep filled eyes are trying to make out the words on p302 and news hits we’ve won the Fair Play Award which UEFA gives out an extra cup place! If we don’t qualify through 3rd, we’ve got to get our passports renewed!
Good day! The week is nearly over and Peter Jones is here to ease you through Thursday morning. Can Alloa maintain their place in the top 4 of the SPL?
“Lennox: ‘Tis two or three, my lord, that bring word Martin has fled to England.
Macbeth: Fled to England?
Lennox: Ay, my good Lord. Tottenham.
Macbeth: Bloody hell…”
Here’s how we left off in mid-November on the countdown to Christmas and those annoying us that THIS new year is actually the start of the millennium. Go tell that to Robbie Williams. Actually, go on and tell him that and about the time you saw some lights in the sky over Ilkeston.
