Good day! It’s the final update of the 2016/17 season and it’s been a relatively quiet season, all things considered. Last time out I’d guided Newcastle to the FA Cup semi finals and within touching distance of European football via the league, but before we get to that, there’s something more pointless to sort out.
League Cup
Given that last season the game correctly predicted a Liverpool/Man City final that went to pens, fans of Arsenal & Aston Villa should be getting excited
Maybe not that excited. A 0-0 draw ends with a late Kevin Mulligan goal and it’s more silverware for Damien Johnson’s men. Let’s move on.
FA Cup
Me! We’re still in a cup by this stage which is remarkable in itself, but better yet I’ve not had to face a Premier League team yet. The semi finals is no different, as we battle Birmingham.
3-0 after 25 minutes? Yes please. See you in the final. Who will we see?
Well if it isn’t Matt Le Tissier and Manchester United. That’ll be a laugh.
It’s such an occasion I wrote a Live Text covering the final in more detail which can you read here, but for those who prefer the edited version, have a scroll down
A real humdinger, obviously. And I should know – I had to write about it in great detail. But we won! That’s the main thing, and that guarantees us European football next season for the first time since 1998. The re-build is almost complete.
Champions League
Speaking of Europe, could Steve Haslam lead Blackburn to the final?
No. It’ll be an all Dutch final, and with Holland as world champions, it’s a great time to be Dutch.
An even better time to be an Ajax fan. Great. If you think that’s sort of normal, Hellas Verona won Serie A, replacing Cesena as champions. For real drama, let’s go to Spain.
You may recall that La Liga was toight like a toiger with a handful of games to go
Pick your winner…now!
Now?
Oh how boring. Taking 23 points out of a possible 27, Real Madrid go from 9th to winners. David Unsworth has won La Liga. It also means he’s taken them up from the Segunda to winning La Liga in 2 seasons. The man is a machine.
Back in England, there was no such excitement. We need a point on the last day to secure a top 6 finish, but we’re up against already crowned champions Darlington.
Pick the bones out of that. We did it though, 6th!
Derby and their millions will play in Europe’s elite club competition, whereas we’ll be in the Cup Winners Cup after our cup win. At the bottom…
Meh. Brian Little’s Liverpool had a season to forget, that’s about all I can take from that.
David Beckham’s managerial career has been unbelievably bad. His latest disaster involves getting relegated from Division 2 with Scarborough and deciding take over at also relegated Chester.
Awards time!
Totally deserved, this guy kept us in so many games.
Look at Malacarne’s average rating…
WOW YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE
It’s all too much for Peter Reid
But one man can never have too much
Another season in the bag, he’s signed up for season 21. I hope we’ll see you there!
14:00 Welcome! It’s FA Cup final day and even though it’s 2017, it is no less of on occasion. We’ll be bringing you all the action as Newcastle United battle Manchester United at Wembley. It could be argued these two great clubs are in the process of passing each other in the metaphorical ladder, which should make this one of the closest finals in years.
Over the next hour or so we’re going to build up to kick off, and handily team news is just reaching us…
Newcastle United:
Subs: Torrente, Stephen, Vilstrup, Roest, Daly
Manchester United:
Subs: Woodward, Ingham, Vercruysse, Ziemer, Woods
What does that mean? Well, Newcastle are missing key midfielder Gunnar Mariasson and Christophe Nogueira, who has been likened to Zinedine Zidane. Manchester United are missing top scorer Daniel Militaru, who like Nogueira is suspended.
14:10Path to the final
It’s fair to say Newcastle have had some decent draws, seeing off division 1 opposition in every round – Brentford, Charlton, Milwall, West Ham and Birmingham all being knocked out by the Magpies.
Man Utd faced a tough trip to city rivals Manchester City in round 3, who they saw off 2-1. Scarborough, Blackburn, Oxford and Derby were also swept aside by the Red Devils, leading to today’s clash.
14:15 The players are out warming up, just 45 minutes to go until kick off now. Both ends of this famous stadium are filling up nicely as both sets of supporters arrive.
14:20 The Managers
It’s Matt Le Tissier’s first season as Manchester United boss and it’s fair to say it hasn’t really gone to plan. The man once dubbed “Le God” by Southampton fans has seen the Red Devils struggle to a 10th placed finish, which was enough to see Gordon Milne sacked last season. Having said that, Le Tissier survived a relegation at Arsenal by going on to achieve promotion at the first attempt and some years later winning the Premier League and UEFA Cup double, so maybe Manchester United will stick with him for a while yet.
By contrast, it is just over 5 years since David Black took the Newcastle job with the club having just finished midtable in Division 2. Whilst Black has won multiple league titles across Europe, 4 Champions Leagues titles and a record 10 consecutive World’s Most Handsome Man awards, many regard his re-building of this Newcastle side his greatest achievement of all. Having already achieved a 6th placed finish, the club will play European football for the first time since 1998 and it is just a question of whether it will be UEFA Cup or Cup Winners cup with a victory today.
14:30 With just 30 minutes to go, let’s take a look at some of the key players on show today
Marc Malacarne (Newcastle) – Captain and largely regarded as one of the finest ‘keepers in the league. Has a record 19 man of the match awards this season, which tells you he is as overworked as he is talented.
Antonio Carlos (Newcastle) – 31 goals in 47 game speaks for itself, but the 23 year old has been described as the new Ronaldo. I’ll let you guess why…
Arthur Joni (Newcastle) – Has drawn some comparisons with George Weah for his performances, and has been with the club since the Division 2 days.
Lee Peake (Man Utd) – The right winger has a real eye for goal, as shown by his 3 England goals this year. Really quick across the turf and was with Le Tissier at Arsenal
Dimitris Tsoukalis (Man Utd) – In his 10th season at Old Trafford now and has seen and done it all. The Greek international with an extraordinary 117 caps plays very similar to Le Tissier did in his heyday but at the age of 33 has struggled in a central midfield 2.
14:35 Both managers have been talking to reporters ahead of the game…
Manchester United manager Matt Le Tissier:
“This competition is special to me and I can’t believe it’s taken this long to be involved in my first final – as a player or a manager. We’ve not had the best season but it’s been a transitional one, we’re building for the future and hopefully that future will involve European football next season. We want to give the fans something to cheer, they’ve stuck by the club over the last few years which have been very lean by our standards.”
Newcastle United manager David Black:
“It’s been a special 5 years, when the chairman asked me to come here a lot of people thought I was mad but it’s days like today when I knew it was the right decision. This club deserves to be competing at the top level and the fans above anybody else deserve this – the club have been right down to Division 3 since we last played in Europe but next season we’ll be back with the elite – I’d just love to win this cup to celebrate that in style.”
14:45 With 15 minutes to go and the players just about ready to enter the playing area for the various pre-match activities, here’s a reminder of the last meeting between these two sides:
That was just 3 weeks ago as Colin Bartram and Vague Tonoian gave the Tynesiders a 2 goal lead, and although there was a nervy finish Black’s men held on for 3 points.
14:50ABIDE WITH ME
The traditional pre-match cup final song is belted out and the players are shaking hands, the 2017 FA Cup final is just about ready to go. Before we get to the action, some final words from today’s pundits:
Steve Haslam, Blackburn manager, who won the FA Cup under David Black at Darlington in 2005:
“It’s all about keeping your cool on the day. They say anything can happen in football and this competition has shown that to be so very true down the years. Don’t do anything stupid and focus on playing your own game, David will be the calmest one in that dressing room and it tends to filter through to you as a player.”
Kieron Dyer, Arsenal manager and former Man Utd captain:
“I make Man Utd favourites – ok, they finished lower in the league but the experience in that dressing room will count more than 4 league places. In a one-off game, I think Man Utd can make their experience count. Newcastle’s day will come, they have a lot of young talent but it won’t be today.”
15:00 KICK OFF
After Kieron Dyer’s strong words, I don’t know what to think. Can you argue with a man who played 123 times for his country? Probably not. Manchester United get us underway – Wembley is a cauldron of noise, as you’d expect.
4 mins – Glorious chance for Man Utd, who have started like a train.
Klaus Hetmanski, who is the stereotypical target man figure, cushions a header into the path of Willie Hyde who takes it on the burst and finds himself one on one with Marc Malacarne. The striker tries to give the Swiss stopper the eyes but it doesn’t work and Malacarne can smother it. A big let off for Newcastle.
8 mins – First sight of goal for Newcastle as Wayne Ready goes on a run and slips the ball to Arthur Joni on the edge of the box, but his side foot effort is tame and straight at Mervyn Thom, who saves comfortably.
11 mins – What was I saying about big Klaus earlier? This time a diagonal free kick from Carl Nogan finds the big man at the bag stick but his header drifts well wide.
16 mins – You feel a goal might not be too far away, and the pressure is all from the team in red. It’s Hyde again causing the problems, but this time his shot lacks power and it’s an easy save for Malacarne.
19 mins – Newcastle’s turn now, but it’s another speculative effort. This time Wayne Ready goes on a bit of a mazy dribble, bumbling his way past a couple of challenges before a very long range shot just about reaches Mervyn Thom. He dreamt that would end differently, I imagine.
23 mins – We’ve finally reached a bit of a lull in the game after an enterprising start from both teams, let’s see what the experts have made of it so far.
Blackburn Manager Steve Haslam
“A strong start from Man Utd, using Hetmanski’s height to unsettle that porous Newcastle defence. Hyde is a live wire in and around him and hitting the big man on the diagonal is a great option to have, even if it’s not ‘The Man Utd way.’
Arsenal Manager Kieron Dyer
“We’ve seen nothing from Newcastle’s front men so far, which will be a worry for David. Man Utd look the more dangerous just because they have the big man in there, it’s a bit of a throwback so far.
27 mins – Another long ball into the box, more chaos for Newcastle to contend with. This time the ball falls for fullback Ricky Pell who hits a low shot destined for the bottom corner, until a flying Martin Bird makes the block.
32 mins –YELLOW CARD
First yellow card of the day is for Man Utd’s Norwegian midfielder Dan Holden, who stops a Newcastle breakaway with his hand.
The game has got very scrappy in the last 10 minutes or so, to the delight of nobody.
Ross Jacobs on Twitter: “This is pretty awful – and I’m a Spurs fan!”
37 mins – Indeed Ross, we’ve seen better finals. Both sets of fans are trying to get their teams going but to no avail as yet.
42 mins – Some action! It’s a neat Man Utd move but it ends with a flashing header from Willie Hyde that flies about 4 yards wide. It’s fair to say Matt Le Tissier would have preferred big Klaus on the end of that one.
HALF TIME – Manchester United 0 – 0 Newcastle United
Not the best, but perfectly poised. Here’s some stats for you to get your teeth into with your half time cuppa.
Arsenal manager Kieron Dyer:
“Newcastle will definitely be the happier of the two sides. They’ve had a lot of the ball but not really done that much with it, even their 2 efforts on target have been fairly weak. Man Utd have looked threatening by just getting the ball into the mixer, you feel a goal will come on the sheet law of averages”
Blackburn manager Steve Haslam:
“We know Black’s teams like to keep the ball and this team in particular have just been told to attack. Unfortunately Manchester United have been able to sit in and soak up the pressure as their main goal threat is the ball being pumped in to Hetmanski, which works well for the midfielders who aren’t the most mobile. The first goal, assuming we get one, will be massive.”
Strong words there from two Premier league legends turned managers, but will there be key words spoken in either dressing room? We’ll see who comes out firing.
The players are back out on the pitch, just a reminder that if it is a draw after 90 minutes there will be extra time, and if it is still a draw after 120 we’ll do it all again in a replay on Wednesday.
KICK OFF – Newcastle get the second half underway.
48 mins – It’s been an untidy start to the second half with only a couple of corners to report from each side.
51 mins – Bit of sustained pressure from Newcastle for the first time in the game and they’ve won themselves a corner after good work from Bartram.
52 mins – GOAL FOR NEWCASTLE! Manchester United 0 – 1 Newcastle United (Martin Bird)
Wow! Who had Martin Bird first goal? The Welsh international right back takes a mean set piece and it is his corner that starts the problems. Arthur Joni meets it with a header that is goalbound only for Ricky Pell to get in the way and deflect the ball away out of the box. Joni retrieves it though and curls a delicious ball back in, which evades everybody except Bird arriving at the back post after following in from his corner. Unbelievable!
55 mins – The Newcastle end are going ballistic, but what a story. Martin Bird is one of the few survivors of the Newcastle team David Black inherited in Division 2, he’s been with the club through it all. A great moment for the Welshman.
56 mins – WOODWORK
Oh goodness me. Newcastle are still in dreamland as Man Utd hit the back post again. Hetmanski leaps and gets his knock back perfectly into the path of the arriving Willie Hyde, who smashes a shot against the post. Big miss. Huge let off for Newcastle.
60 mins – Same combination, Hetmanski to Hyde, curling effort this time but it’s wide of the mark. Those two have been a handful but their finishing has let them down.
64 mins – YELLOW CARD
Man Utd centre half Daniel Pearson is an uncompromising chap and he underlines that here by dragging down Wayne Ready, who had shown him a clean pair of heels over on the left wing.
69 mins – Antonio Carlos – having one of the more sedate games of his young career – finally gets himself half a yard of space but crashes his shot over the bar.
Blackburn manager Steve Haslam:
“It was a goal in keeping with the game, a little bit untidy but what a story. He takes the original corner and just wanders in towards the goal once Joni’s shot is blocked out. By the time it’s teased back in there he’s alive and unmarked, somehow. But can they hold on?
73 mins – Klaus Hetmanski is still a massive influence on this game, and for once he doesn’t look for his strike partner and goes for goal himself. His right foot effort is fairly central though and Malacarne gathers.
75 mins – YELLOW CARD
Frustration? You bet. Willie Hyde has had a rough day and that’s underlined by a late tackle on Edoardo Pierini. We’ve hardly mentioned Pierini today but the Italian under 21 captain has had a quiet game, and now he probably has a sore ankle too.
79 mins – Another decent chance for Man Utd.
They work it well and Lee Peake whips a great ball in and Hetmanski (who else?) gets up highest but his header is straight at Malacarne. Newcastle breathe again as we enter the final 10 minutes.
Arsenal manager Kieron Dyer:
“Le Tissier has got to be thinking of a change, hasn’t he? His team are behind with 10 minutes to go, do something, anything, to change the result of this match.”
No sign of any changes for either team, yet.
83 mins – WOODWORK
Oh my days. Willie Hyde, this miss is as ridiculous as your name. Carl Nogan sends a set piece into the area, Malacarne fumbles it and it falls kindly for Hyde who drills his shot low and into the post. A let off for the ‘keeper but time is running out for Man Utd.
85 mins – SUBSTITUTION
The first change of the day, as David Black brings on Danish holding midfielder Casper Vilstrup for Edoardo Pierini. A little bit of stability for the closing minutes.
87 mins – What a miss. I’m sat here struggling to comprehend what I have just seen, but unfortunately it is my job to describe it to you.
It’s yet another Nogan set piece, it causes utter chaos and a few players hack at the ball, until Hyde hits a shot that the keeper somehow keeps out. He can’t hold on though, which presents Garry Charlery with a glorious chance to send us to extra time. He tries to break the net and blasts the ball well over the bar. The Man Utd players collapse to the turf – have they blown their chance?
90 mins – Just the two minutes of stoppage time.
FULL TIME – Manchester United 0 – 1 Newcastle United
NEWCASTLE UNITED WIN THE FA CUP
It’s over! It’s a bit of a smash and grab in the end for Newcastle but they won’t care one jot. Their fans are jubilant, having seen their club recover from Division 3 they will play in Europe for the first time in 20 years next season. Incredible.
Blackburn manager Steve Haslam:
“Newcastle have won ugly today but all that matters is they got the job done. I’m over the moon for my former gaffer and whether they deserved it or not is up for debate, however that is irrelevant as it’s all history now”
Arsenal manager Kieron Dyer:
“Willie Hyde will have nightmares tonight about those misses and Garry Charlery may not sleep for a week – how did Man Utd not score? My old club will be wondering how that got away. But well done to Newcastle.”
The Newcastle players are over with the fans, they’re being called over to go and collect the trophy. Man Utd are already truding up the steps for their runners up medals, an unnecessarily cruel tradition that is a pain on both the heart and the calf muscles having to climb all those steps.
Newcastle manager David Black
“We had to battle out there and we’re not really known for our defensive qualities, so keeping a clean sheet on a day like today is extremely pleasing. Martin Bird is one of the most professional players I have ever worked with, he is a very popular match winner. It’s been a crazy 5 years since coming here – as a fan as well as the manager it doubles up your emotions so you can imagine how I am feeling right now. But this is just the start, this team has so much more to give.”
The Newcastle players are on the way up the steps, as they do so here are the final stats for you to look over
A much more even game in the end, not that Man Utd will care. They gave it everything. Here’s Matt Le Tissier:
“The lads are gutted, this is going to take some getting over. No European football for a club of this size is not going to go down well, but we only have ourselves to blame. We made enough chances to win 3 games, but we didn’t manage to score a single goal. We’ll come back stronger for the experience but I know I’ll be under a lot of pressure next season.”
Marc Malacarne is last up the steps and he gives the trophy a little kiss before lifting it high above his head. Wembley is a sea of black and white and with that, I’ll leave you. Thanks for joining me for today’s live text, until next time…
Welcome! It’s 2016/17, we’ve passed the present day and it’s weird. Aston Villa are a Premier League force and Matt Le Tissier is the Man Utd manager. In many ways, I prefer this world. Anyway, let’s see what’s gone on as we cross over into 2017.
The seasons first finalists are revealed, Kieron Dyer’s Arsenal will face Damien Johnson’s Aston Villa
We bowed out of the pointless cup on penalties to Chelsea in round 4, but we’ve had a much nicer time in the FA Cup.
Yes for the first time in many updates, I’m still involved in a cup going into the final update of the season!
It’s the best case scenario for the semi final draw, it may be time to dust off my live text fingers.
Fingers crossed on that front. Our league form has been patchy but this was a real highlight
Just the one signing to help strengthen us, this Dutch chap has joined for relative peanuts at £84k
Dribbling and pace should make him ideal but it never turns out that way. We’re on the fringes of the European spots, and I really want to play in Europe next season. We have improved, as shown by the average ratings
Speaking of Europe, the Champions League is still inside out.
Holland winning the World Cup has resulted in a spurt of good Dutch teams, though to be fair PSV have been a force for a while now. Check out Haslam taking out Bayern Munich! He learnt from the best (Gerry Francis, not me).
It could be an all Dutch final but I’m rooting for Haslam. Even if he’ll probably end up being the next England manager.
You’ll have noticed my former charges Sevilla being humbled by Ajax, and La Liga is more wide open than ever
Just 7 points separating 1st from 11th, incredible. Meanwhile, in the Premier League…
Darlington, under Phil Mulryne, look well set to win their 6th Premier League though Villa won’t give up their title without a fight. Derby, under some chancer called Scott Colcombe, have £100m in the bank, which is terrifying. We’re just outside the European spots but it’s fairly close, we are capable of going on a run to challenge the top 4 but winning the FA Cup is the priority.
The bottom of the table is…well, actually, how you might expect it.
With the exception of the Merseyside duo sandwiched in there. Brian Little having a rare off season.
So that brings to the end a rather strange update – no managerial news at all, hopefully the game is just storing up all the drama for the next 2 months, starting with my quest to win my first cup since leaving Sevilla. See you then!
For more CM9798 head over to The Higher Tempo Press where you can catch up with my series ‘Brits Abroad’
The 2016/17 season is underway, which means we’re celebrating season 20 of what started as a walk down memory lane but has since turned into a stroll up Future Boulevard. As far as metaphors go, that’s one of my worst. Before this awful intro turns you off the idea, let’s get on with the update.
May as well get the traditional curtain raiser out of the way. League champions Villa take the honours against Hateley’s Man City.
Nobody cares. Barcelona have had it with being average, in bigger news
Yes the man who I wasn’t sure who he was has proved underwhelming. Fancy that.
Well, he’s a headline writers dream but I’m not sure who he is either. Anyway, it’s going well
I mean, he’s better than Elche, but there’s some huge clubs in that bottom 7. Unsworth has a job on to keep Real Madrid up
Another club sick of being midtable is Man Utd, who finally peddle Gordon Milne
Milne had been there for 10 years and although he won the Champions League in 2012, never managed to win the Premier League. With his final 4 seasons yielding final positions of 13th, 9th, 13th and 10th, it never looked on the cards. Who do you bring in?
Le Tissier! He had 13 years at Arsenal and enjoyed a Premier League title in 2014 but also suffered a relegation in 2004. Fair play I suppose. There’s a vacancy at Arsenal now…
Kieron is making his way through the managerial world pretty quickly, this is his 3rd job in 3 seasons. Darlington are going well too, so this is all a bit odd. Who’s in at Darlo?
Right. This looks odd, but he’s just guided Real Sociedad to 3rd in La Liga so he’s a manager on the up, having previously managed Man City to back to back 8th places in 2012 and 2013. Well, whatever. I think I loaned him at Darlington about 19 years ago, maybe it made a big impression.
Interestingly I wasn’t offered any of these jobs, whereas I have been in previous years. My stock has fallen considerably, so really now is the time to re-build that. I’ve decided seeing as we can’t defend, we’ll just throw caution to the wind
It seems to have the desired effect if game 1 is anything to go by
No wonder Le Tissier left Arsenal shortly after this. Thankfully this wasn’t a false dawn and our form has been steady, the average ratings aren’t awful either
Joni (Weah) and Antonio Carlos (Ronaldo) have finally formed a good partnership, though Joni has had a couple of injuries. Nogueira (Zidane) is rubbish out on the left but the results have been good. Mariasson is the famous Icelandic DM/FC on his 3rd iteration
Speaking of 3rd iterations, Gazza is back again
So even though we can’t defend, it gives me great pleasure to bring you a screenshot of the table where we aren’t in the bottom half!
It’s a black & white fest at the top of the table, dare we dream of Europe? It’s such a tight table I think that would be foolish at this stage. Looks like great value at Chelsea though, so many goals. By contrast, we have the best attack and one of the worst defences. Phil Mulryne is king for now though.
Le Tissier has work to do at Man Utd, whilst Brian Little is having a rare off season.
So have I finally cracked it? Or will my Kevin Keegan tactics go the same way as old KK’s did in 1996? Join me next time to find out
For more CM9798 check out my book on Amazon or Brits Abroad over on the Higher Tempo Press
Welcome. The future is bright, but it definitely won’t be orange, as Holland didn’t qualify for Euro 2016. That bit is accurate. However the news that Louis Van Gaal is going in search of further honours will come as more of a surprise, though the Dutch maestro is in charge of the Italian national team rather than Manchester United. Can LVG retain the European crown he won in 2012? Are Aston Villa really going to win the Premier League? What’s with the Beatles song in the title when I’ve made it adbundantly clear this will be a Grease medley as we head to Greece 2016? I’ve ran out of questions, so let’s dive in.
League Cup
It’s still pointless.
Wow, great penalties. In the answer to the quiz question “what is the minimum number of pens that need to be taken to conclude a penalty shootout?” this is the answer. Brian Little, take a bow.
FA Cup
I’m getting a bit sick of Brian Little you know. He’s everywhere.
He won’t be in the final though, saving us a repeat of the 0-0 thriller in the pointless cup. Damien Johnson’s Aston Villa have emerged as a real force. Steve Haslam has a lot to be proud of at Blackburn too, despite this loss.
The final is an extraordinary affair, where Villa take a 2-0 lead. This infuriates Mark Hateley goes into a fit of rage and inspires a 3-2 comeback win. Remarkable.
Champions League
To continue the Little-fest, Liverpool are up against Marseille. The French side are too strong for them though, setting up a final with Sampdoria.
Sampdoria have been the real form side but they’ve had 2 managers this season and not quite hit the heights. As it is, they fall at the final hurdle of retaining their Champions League.
Sampdoria are nowhere in Serie A either
Cesena. Of course. Gerry has done really well at Inter Milan. More on him later. Sevilla win La Liga.
What of Real Madrid? Well this happened
Jesus Sietes indeed. However, they still did enough to gain promotion. Well done David Unsworth
But for real badness, come home.
Premier League
Last time out you saw my Newcastle team struggling to keep our heads above water. The media always say one team gets sucked in, well, this side are in a lot of trouble:
With both goalies out and a full squad, a central midfielder is in nets. Sheff Wed are all of a sudden looking over their shoulders
Both of their keepers are out for 2 months, so I reckon I need to win 3 games to be absolutely fine. Let’s see how many that 42 goals against grows to.
Yep, Robson’s in trouble here
With 1 game to go, we’ve been able to maintain our Premier League status
Sheff Wed have a goalkeeper for game 37 and snatch a draw, luckily for them Norwich are useless.
So it comes down to the last day – Forest play Palace on Sunday, in one of those things that would never happen. At the top, there’s no fun to be had. Aston Villa are the Champions…
The 2nd Champions League place is up for grabs – Steve Haslam could stick a dagger through the heart of Darlington here
HASLAM! Champions League football at Blackburn for the first time since 1995. Great result for us in Cardiff – 14th is an improvement but now is the time to kick on and stop with all this lower half of the table rubbish. Norwich get a point but will it be enough?
It is! Goal difference condemns Forest to the First Division. Confirmation of Blackburn’s surprise 2nd finish.
Before we go to Euro 2016, look at this Beauty School Drop Out
To Greece!
Euro 2016
Marcello Lippi has picked this England squad:
Fashanu, Mainwaring, Shakespeare. All names who have had a huge impact on English history.
The hosts get off to a good start
Lippi takes on his home country and apparent genius LVG
Justin Cox is a great name. What year is it!?
Jody Izzet – or Jizzet, if you will, is the modern day Beckham/Phil Neville type villain. This better get Lippi the sack. Some pride is salvaged at least.
How embarrassing
Scotland & Ireland are through, to help the English mood
But France are out, Portugal and Denmark seeing them off.
Simao!?
And the final group. How have Georgia made it this far!?
Goodness me. Quarter final draw:
Just as England fans are deciding who to switch allegiance to, Scotland catch England syndrome and the Irish are knocked out too.
Italy and Germany must be the heavy favourites but they’ll meet in the semis.
I make Italy favourites, the Italian clubs have been consistently good in Europe for a number of years now. Semi final time!
What a game in Oaka, and a mighty mauling in the Olimpic Stadion. Portugal vs Italy then
LVG retains! Louis Van Gaal’s army!
Let’s end with some good news. Beardsley has decided to carry on for another year
His stats are so bad he’s unrated in several areas. Great news for Rotherham.
Why did I make the title this Beatles song? Well, LVG is 64. Who else is 64?
Gerry! What a shame. The Spain experience has sapped his enthusiasm. It’s also goodbye to Roy Evans
To finish with, here are some awards
Damien Johnson being Premier League champion and Manager of the Year. Wow.
So before you all rush off to get your money on Italy to win Euro 2016, just remember, the Premier League is upside down…
Good morning. This is an iconic update because you will feel a sensation when you read it. What is that sensation? Well, we’re going to pass into the future. It may sting a bit, but we’ll carry on as normal. So, can anyone knock Villa off the top? Can I stabilise this Newcastle team? Let’s find out.
As you’re probably very aware, there’s a European Championships this summer. In this upside down universe, Gerry Francis is the Spain manager, and everything Gerry has touched in this game has turned to gold. So he’ll qualify, surely?
WHAT!?
No playoffs in these days, and Spain are out. You’ll get a right slap for that, Gerry.
Only one outcome really. The mullet is available for any club in need. Given that Spain have now utilised me, David Unsworth and Gerry Francis, it may be time to move away from the English managers,
Well, he was only appointed at Sampa four months ago. What an odd chap. Anyway, Gerry to Sampdoria?
Nope, they opt for former Man Utd player Matteo Pelatti. Gerry for Inter?
Hmm, it would be a way out of this monstrosity. But no, I’m here to do a job. Gerry, it’s all yours.
Speaking of David Unsworth, his Real Madrid side are going through some things.
So odd. However, they’re actually on the up
Barcelona B still rubbing it in. Enough of this continental stuff, let’s get back to the Toon.
That will not help. Morons, everywhere.
Spare a thought for Roy Evans
Just retire man. Yet another club who wants my services. It’s a no from me.
Must have been a strict requirement for a David. Whatever.
Things have been rubbish, I’m not going to lie. We rarely win. The problem lies in that we just can’t defend. Also, look at these average ratings
Woeful. Whether we stay up or not, there’s a big overhaul needed this summer. Away from my problems though, we have our first finalists of the season
Brian Little. Again. He loves the league cup. Man City under Mark Hateley showing a return to form. There’s a repeat of one of the semi finals in the FA Cup:
Steve Haslam’s Blackburn are in there, along with recently appointed David Platt’s Palace.
In Europe, Sampdoria are looking to be the first team to retain their trophy since my Sevilla side in 2010
PSV were last year’s beaten finalists and there’s a repeat of that final in the semi finals.
Oh look, Brian Little’s in the semis. He’s omnipresent this week.
Fortunately, he’s well off the pace in the league, though a couple of games in hand could get them in the top 4. No chance of a title win though. Damien Johnson has held Villa’s challenege strong, I thought they’d have fallen away. Kieron Dyer is a relative managerial rookie but they’re very much in with a shot.
It’s not looking great for me but we have a 5 point cushion, which will hopefully be enough.
Wimbledon and Middlesbrough look pretty ruined so hopefully it’s just Forest we need to hold off.
So here we are, in the future. The Premier League is upside down and Newcastle are still struggling – some things never change.
Join me next time for the finale to the 15/16 season which will include Euro 2016 – from Greece! But will Marcello Lippi still be hopelessly devoted to England up against Italy?
Stay tuned for that plus many more terrible puns next week. Bye for now.
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What are we doing here? We’ve only bloody well caught up to the current season. Unsurpisingly, the game doesn’t have mystic powers and very few of this saves happenings can be compared to the real world. Wait until you see how the table is looking! But of course, some things never change, and there’s a new manager in the hotseat over in Madrid. Come with me to the not so distant past…
We’ll start in Spain because I have bigged it up in the intro. Remember when Real Madrid were relegated to the Segunda? Well, in a rare act of patience, the Real Madrid board stuck with their manager all summer. Then sacked him 2 games in.
No goals in 2 games? Sack.
Now, allow me a tangent here. Things haven’t been going great for David Unsworth at Sheff Wed, so he’s sacked.
Unsworth is, of course, the former Spanish national team manager which to Florentino Perez (or his fictional equivalent) means box office appointment. Welcome, Senor Unsworth
Yep. It’s improved quite a bit over the 10 games, but they still have the indignity of being below Barcelona’s B team.
Back home, my stadium has been expanded.
It’s nearly at the 52,000 SJP houses today but it is about 15 years later than planned. Mind you, Newcastle have been down to the 4th tier in that time, so we’ll let them off.
In all truth, we haven’t made as much progress as I would like. We still can’t defend and it’s our achilles heel – old habits die hard it would seem. The league table doesn’t make great reading, as you’ll see later on.
Charity Shield kicks off the season, and it’s a Merseyside derby!
Great. For all the players are non-entities to all but the most avid of followers, fortunately the managers are creating the headlines. Remember when Unsworth got sacked earlier?
Yes, Robson’s done a U Turn. It’s an odd move, given how good Darlington are.
Well, he is a former England captain so we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. I’m sure he knows what he is doing.
That does leave a vacancy at one of England’s dominant clubs…
It is tempting…but I need to finish the job here. One day I’ll be back, Darlington. Darlington opt for Kieron “122 Caps for England” Dyer instead
Wonders never cease. Another England legend is in managerial news too
West Ham are keen not to waste loads of “DB” branded training clobber, so they’re straight on the phone
What is going on? The Hammers are marooned in the First Division, so that’s not going to happen. Thanks anyway.
FA Cup managerial genius Steve Gritt is on the dole
Hull appoint Nicky Barmby – is my mind deceiving me, or did this actually happen at some stage?
One last bit of managerial news, Sampdoria are currently the team to beat, but their manager has retired. They’ve moved for Milan’s boss to keep them going
Which brings us nicely back round to the theme of today’s post – look who’s back at the San Siro
With that, you’re up to date. Here’s the Premier League table:
It’s upside down! Aston Villa, under the guidance of Northern Ireland stalwart Damien Johnson, are the unlikely leaders. Alvin Martin’s Chelsea are in hot pursuit.
We’re doing better than this stage last season, and indeed better than Newcastle in the real world. So these are positives I can cling to. We just can’t defend. Bryan Robson must regret his decision to return to Sheff Wed at the moment, given how well Dyer is going at Darlington. Le Tissier has been relegated with Arsenal before, and it may well happen again at this rate. He has won a Premier League with them too, mind.
So that’s it, in the next update we’ll be perilously close to the present day. I’m expecting some sort of Back to the Future scenario where me and Gerry Francis need to repair time in order to return, but we’ll see. Gerry is trying to qualify for Euro 2016, so I won’t disturb him. Until next time!
It’s the end of 14/15 and as we catch up to real time, things are nowhere near how the world is today, but there are some similarities. For one, Newcastle are in serious danger of relegation from the Premier League – can I emulate John Carver (urgh) and keep the Magpies up? Well just steady on, you’ll find out soon. First though, it’s pointless Cup time.
League Cup
Liverpool are involved, for a change. Having won this in 2011 and 2012, they’re up against 2008 winners Man City here.
A very busy 3 minutes there, but it’s Liverpool and Brian Little enjoying success again.
FA Cup
The semi finals carried some great stories, none more so than Steve Haslam taking his Blackburn side up against former club Darlington.
Chelsea and Everton have to do it all again, with Ian Snodin’s men coming out on top.
Darlington will be heavy favourites but my old mate from Sevilla has a blinder in the final and Everton spring a surprise.
Bryan Robson loses yet another final, I’ve lost count of his nearly moments.
Champions League
Sampdoria put out holders Bologna in the quarters and as they top Serie A, they must be strong favourites. They’ll meet 2013 winners PSV in the final
Super Sampa it is!
Sampdoria go on to retain Serie A, prompting their manager to retire in a blaze of success. It remains to be seen who will take over.
Spanish football is on the decline, with no Spanish sides in the last 8 of the Champions League. In fact, Europe’s biggest club is in huge trouble
The great irony is that they are now in the same division as Real Madrid B, and they will go head to head next season. Rafa in?
Before we can laugh at that though, I have my own relegation battle.
Premier League
The run in started pretty well for us
But that was as good as it got, and annoyingly teams around us keep picking up points. We go into the last game of the season in a bit of bother
With nobody officially down, it’s any 3 from 5. We’ve got a crunch game with Burnley which I suppose statistically is the best game we could have
A win doesn’t even guarantee us survival, but we emphatically do all we can. Cross your fingers!
So glad we weren’t relying on Arsenal – cheers Le Tissier. Gordon Milne does me a solid though, and we’re safe. Phew!
At the top, Liverpool actually win it at a canter in the end.
Brian Little has had a disgusting amount of success. Darlington take the second Champions League place, and Arsenal come nowhere near retaining their title.
Everton also fall from 2nd to 14th whilst confirmation of our survival is well received. No prizes for guessing where we need to improve!
The average ratings are fairly grim too, except the two keepers
The good news keeps on coming for the Geordies – Peter Beardsley has taken Rotherham to promotion!
Leaving himself as an unused sub. So selfless.
He did play himself 53 times though. Not bad for a 54 year old.
In even better news, he hasn’t retired. Get in.
Let’s finish with some awards
Rotchen…I MADE YOU! He won’t admit it. One day, I’ll buy him again. Not sure about Forest goalkeeper Mervyn Gill being player of the year mind.
So that’s it, another season has come and gone. We’re in the rather odd scenario of heading into the 15/16 season now, we’ll pass real time and it’ll be strange. But together, we can do it. See you then for the Real Madrid derby.
Welcome back! We’re flying through the 14/15 season and we’re catching up to the present day at an alarming rate. Unfortunately for me, in every sense, Newcastle are as terrible on this save as they are in real life, so no let up for me either way. Enough of this moaning though, let’s get to it.
In the last update you may recall during my round up of managerial movement Wolves were left without a manager after Alvin Martin left for Chelsea. Wolves moved for a manager who is clearly highly rated
Why is he highly rated? Well after taking his first job in October 2009 he’s already onto his 4th club, being poached each time. He did however relegate West Ham so he’s very fortunate so get a top flight job so quickly. We’ll see how Hucks is getting on later.
David Beckham’s managerial career has been a mess so far, but at least he has the stones to call it a day when things are getting rough.
Hmm, this is a bit suspicious. Where is Beckham from again?
Anyway, it’s working for him as West Ham sit in the 6th and final playoff place.
Up at Newcastle, we’re still terrible but we’re scraping together just enough points to sit in 17th. We’re just so porous, we concede in huge numbers. My goalkeeper debate had seen Mewza take the gloves, but this mess over December saw him dropped:
We led that Forest game 3-0 as well…we could have done with those points. The Swiss with no technique has now taken on the job and has 5 man of the match awards, he’s definitely made a difference.
The pointless cup saw some heartbreak for Huckerby but Brian Little, who seems to get to this stage every year, booked yet another Wembley appearance
Both sides are out of the FA Cup though, with Division 2 Bradford still flying the flag for the football league whilst Darlington and Sheff Wed went toe to toe in the battle of the big boys. A big one for Bryan Robson that, having left Sheff Wed for Darlo.
The semi final draw gives nothing away due to the 2 replays
My old mate Steve Haslam is the Blackburn manager, so he’ll be up against either the club that brought him through the ranks or the club that made him a star. I love a good story. Carl Serrant manages Bradford, which isn’t so much a story as just an amusing anecdote.
Whilst Everton will take on Bradford there, they’re also still in the Champions League. How they’ve achieved that under Ian Snodin I don’t know, but they’re in the semis!
That’s holders Bologna going out in the all Italian battle, whilst 2013 champions PSV are still in the mix. Matt le Tissier’s Arsenal have been very quiet since winning the league and sit a disappointing 8th, their season is as good as over now.
Whilst we’re in Europe, there’s a big story developing in Spain
Their manager has upped sticks and moved to Espanyol too, obviously not wanting to have the shame of relegating one of the largest clubs in the world on his CV. Neil Finn and Dave Oakes are still there, which may be part of the problem.
So the tables to finish up then:
Huckerby! What a career decision. Though Brian Little’s games in hand may see them win, Huckerby’s side are more than decent, and you can’t ignore David Unsworth’s Sheff Wed, who are in the mix. Haslam’s defensive skills are in full show at Blackburn…
At least Man Utd are rubbish too. We’ve conceded the most goals in the league, it’s fairly terrible back there. Nick Barmby replaced Chris Waddle at Burnley and they’ve had a decent little run, whilst Liam Daish is slowly killing Birmingham. Mark Hateley probably regrets leaving Wolves for Man City a few years ago.
So that’s it, we’re all set up for an exciting end to the 14/15 season. As Destiny’s Child said, can you keep (Newcastle) up? I wouldn’t bet on it, but that’s the plan. See you soon
The 14/15 season should be a season of celebration for me – afterall, I’ve been slaving away getting Newcastle back into the Premier League for a few seasons. Now we’re back on the big stage and reality has dawned – we’re really not very good.
We were dealt a very early blow when Liverpool took advantage of Denis Irwin’s re-gen having a big club release clause. I just didn’t see it coming!
I’ve decided to take on this McGibbon character in exchange, the money means very little to me given that we can’t attract anybody. I firmly believe the most important player in this game is your goalkeeper, in theory this guy should be unbeatable
Unfortunately that technique stat seems to have more of an effect than I anticipated, meaning he’s just another average goalkeeper to go alongside my other 3 or 4, which include Chilavert’s re-gen re-gen. When you’re onto the 3rd iteration of a player…
My other choices? The keeper I signed for Norwich:
A man with caps for Scotland!
And some other messes with crisp packets for hands. They’ve all had their moments but it’s costing me points. Might be one for twitter to solve.
We actually started pretty well
It’s been largely downhill ever since though. More on that later.
You may recall Kieron Dyer retired, with 122 England caps to his name. Not only have I signed his re-gen, but the man himself has gone to coach Bari
It’s early days for the future Jungle celebrity but it’s not looking good
There’s plenty more managerial shenanigans, Spurs need yet another new manager
They’ve rather strangely appointed former Arsenal goalkeeper Jae Townley
What’s more surprising is that they sit in the playoff positions in Division 3, so maybe some better times head for Spurs.
Giggs is sacked, again
There’s also big news as the one surviving original manager is sacked.
My former for Chris Waddle, way back in the Division 2 days with Darlington, has been in charge for about 17 years but Burnley have seen enough. About time.
For some, it’s all just too much
Chelsea continue the bizarre tradition that this game has given us, which is appointing Alvin bloody Martin
A big favourite of this blog is Peter Beardsley and his refusal to retire. Pitching up as Rotherham’s player manager, there’s no sign of him slowing down, continuing to start himself in every game. However, he has loaned EVERYBODY
To be fair, you never know when you’ll need 6 right backs. Pedro himself is 53, going on 54, and has 3 goals in 24 games. Good man.
Away from our perilous league position, we’ve scrapped our way into the last 16 of the pointless cup
I imagine Brian Little will end our run but any sorts of victories can’t be sniffed at when you’re in our position. What is our position you ask?
Well, we’re not in the top 12. The familiar sight of Darlington & Liverpool scrapping for superiority, Darlington wowing the world with their goal a game ratio.
Urgh, there we are. No wonder Burnley sacked Waddle. Fortunately I have plenty of good favour with the board and they’re still delighted by my performance. And so they should be.
Squad is a mash of names that will mean very little to you!
So we’ll be fighting to stay up, join me next time where I’ll hopefully have some good news as we move towards the business end of the season. Bye for now
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