Hello! We’ve reached the year 2000 and despite rumours to the contrary, there were no Y2K bugs or problems with technology, the robots didn’t rise up and kill us all and it’s as if some of the world’s smartest people thought ahead that we might live to the year 2000 and program electronics accordingly. But how did we get from November 1999 to March 2000? Are Ajax still on form? You bloody bet. LET’S SCROLL (down)

Is greed a sin? This guy was available, I had the money, I didn’t need him but you could argue that every team needs Thierry Henry. What’s Dutch for va va voom?

He’ll slot in on the left side of my attack, which is tough for Peter Hoekstra who has been brilliant but he has the obvious drawback of not being Thierry Henry. Also, Hoekstra went on to play for Stoke, whilst Henry went to Juve, Arsenal and Barcelona. So, you know.

Before we get into the Ajax life and times, England have only bloody failed to qualify for Euro 2000. What a terrible summer lies ahead. But don’t worry England fans, the FA have sacked Glenn Hoddle and poached the Dortmund manager. I’m sure that’ll work out.

Anyway, back to the main story here. You may recall PSV are going through some rough times, they’ve brought in Huub Stevens and they are in my Champions League group. Eat goals, you mothers

So, that was nice. We won the group, at a canter

The quarter finals saw us come up against AC Milan, which is a tough draw in any world. We were beaten 2-1 in the San Siro, with Ronaldo grabbing the away goal. We need a performance in the 2nd leg, and by jove, we got it.

We needed extra time but Ronald-o and Ronaldo (Ithankyou) see us through. However the draw is unfavourable…it’s Barcelona

Bloody hell that’s going to be difficult.

Back in the hilariously unbalanced Eredivise, we travel to one of our two rivals

Sorry Johan, but we’re a bit too good for David Connolly this season. With the double over Feyenoord in the bag, that only leaves PSV. Those of you who like a pun will have realised what’s coming from the title of this post, but here we are:

Three goals in the opening 9 minutes but then we ran away with it. Hurray for us. We are going to win the league but more importantly our 100% record is still alive

6 games to go, a 16 point lead, not even Kevin Keegan could blow this. I made myself sad.

Not that it’s massively important but we’re also still going strong in the Amstel Cup. We’ve just reached the final, beating Willem II (pronounced ‘aye aye’)

GORRE! GORRE! GORRE!

Early 2000s wrestling references aside, we’re in the Amstel Cup final. Pints all round.

The problem is, my squad is absolutely knackered. This is what’s left to face Barcelona

Doesn’t matter how much you rotate, Kieron Dyer will always be injured.

Let’s call in on Dyer’s home nation briefly for a quick cuppa and a catch up

We’ve got our Pointless Cup finalists

Derby will face Man Utd in both cups, as the FA Cup semi final draw has pitted them against each other.

Derby are managed by Jim Smith and are in the relegation zone, so why this is happening I’m not too sure. I blame Y2K.

Man Utd though have gone from unbeatable to…er, very beatable?

Wenger’s men may finally realise their potential a few years later than planned, but holy Boa Morte, you wouldn’t rule out any of the top 7 winning the title. Except Tottenham. Sorry, Spurs fans. That was below the belt.

At the bottom, Everton are still boned and West Ham look set to be boned again after their first season boning. Stop saying boned in there.

As I think I’ve gone slightly insane, now seems like a good time to file this update under “possibly inebriated” and head for a lie down. I’ve got to find a way of beating Barcelona and it’s probably going to involve Dion Dublin. We. Are. Boned. Until next time!