My name? Gary Goals. My mission – to fire up the iPad and prove that Ossie was right, by taking a team to the top exclusively using the All Out Attack formation.

The rules are simple – no varying from this formation, ever. If we’re 2-1 up in the Cup Final and have two men sent off, we’re sticking with our AAA. It’s never worked before; the old Keegan style ultimately turned out to be ‘if they score 4, we’ll score 3’. For us, though, if they score 7, we’ll simply score 8. Nothing, and I mean nothing, can go wrong!

Goes without saying that we’re certainly not editing the database in any way, or looking up who any regens are – that’s for speccy ‘laptop managers’ and the Goals dynasty is as old school as they come. Launch it direct and stick it in the net.

We’re going to start this journey in sunny Angus, in Montrose to be precise. The loyal following at the Links Stadium is going to witness a barrage of goals, gaffes and gonzo-ings.

To start with – recruitment. My squad is bloated with hot garbage, and I have next to no money – so first up is this lad, who has absolutely no technique, dribbling or flair, and should fit right in at this level.

I’ll be starting four forwards in every single match, so let’s buy in bulk. An old favourite joins the fold for £5k – which I have no doubt will be my record signing all season.

A decent keeper will be fundamental, and I’ve got the guy below in nets – that name absolutely does not bode well – but I can’t see a keeper who looks any better just yet,.

I can’t afford to mess about with an unknown from overseas or put out the bat signal for an emergency keeper who could kill my season. When a lost lamb cries in the mountains, sometimes his mother will come, but sometimes it will be the wolf. In other words, ol’ Fingers will get the start.

Of the existing squad, I can’t see anyone else even half decent, but this guy’s young, local and has some decent attributes in places, so he’ll get the nod among my three centre halves.

Flank players are notoriously weak in this game, and the great news is that as my hill to die on, I’ve chosen a formation that has each of ML, FL, MR and FR in from the off every week. To that end, this guy on a free will be a definite help:

On the right, I’m flashing the cash for what is probably the final time in a while, and spunking another sweet £5k on this lad – who also looks potential captaincy material.

When you factor in some more free transfers, this represents my business for the summer, including known superhero Graeme Tomlinson:

‘I want everyone to play,’ Ossie once said, ‘and as soon as the ball goes to Teddy Graeme, everyone fly forward!’

That leaves us with this as a starting lineup (ignore the brief signing of Mike Rae on loan, Rangers discover that I’ve signed someone called John-Paul, and recall their man before he ever sets foot on the pitch).

Quite frankly, that back four looks soft as Butter, and we’re gonna be shipping. Up top, we look better – but Stewart Purves (I bet he does) is the only FR I have fit, and he stinks, while someone called Winiarski gets in at centre-mid on the basis that all my transfer targets rejected me, including Bjorn (sob).

iI’s Gameday, baby….. and fittingly we’re straight off to Hampden in the Cup.

Well well, well, incredible scenes, is there something in this formation? Queens Park may just be the whipping boys, and we did let in three in the second half, so as we board the bus home I remind the lads not to let this go to their heads.

WTF Steffy Wins, you’ve made one senior appearance in your career, got a 7, and this is your reaction? David Howells never did this to Ossie.

Fkn joker. Stefan will soon get a chance to put himself in the shop window, though, as we’ve drawn Rangers at home in the next round.

First up though it’s Dumbarton and they’re put to the sword. Twissy’s fine, thankfully – just a flesh wound.

This is going way better than I could have imagined. Time for a likely reality check as we face Glasgow’s finest…

Yes we got tonked by 10 men, but in the words of a great man, ‘Who got Man of the Match by the way?!’. In some ways this is more promising than the previous matches, although no doubt their red card on 25 played a major part. Graeme’s looking good, and I’ll just ignore the 8 goals shipped in 270 minutes, mere shrapnel that can’t pierce our armour.

Another higher division team next, in the League Challenge Cup, but surely after Rangers we’ll be fine…

Well, the erratic nature of our formation comes to the fore. Both of Geraghty’s are bolts from nowhere, which always seem to the mark of a tasty player. One to watch in future.

Back to league duty and….

Even two injuries (including Teddy Jr) can’t mar a late winner and a clean sheet from Fingers! We’re unstoppable.

If perfection never rests, Mrs Goals never raised a loafer either, and I’m not at all happy with Purves in the FR position. While reviewing the squad I realise I’ve not even clicked on this guy who is worth £7k but actually looks pretty decent.

Here’s where we stand financially, which is a bit of a worry when we’re only a few games in and have only spent ten grand.

Back to league duty against some shower of nobodies….in Lawrie goes, and gets straight among it after 11 minutes.

Cowdenbeath are no match for my big Catholic stand-in, John-Paul. Seems I’ve got three decent centre-forwards but no centre halves, which is unfortunate as I start three every week.

Five more sweet pearlers, and this Lawrie could be a real homegrown find….next up the Arbroath Smokies…

That’s five wins for five in the league, and five goals in three for Lawrie from the right flank. Berwick make the long journey north next…

…and we whack em. Teddy junior is unstoppable today, especially after they lose a man just after half time. Here’s how the league looks:

We’re out of both cups way earlier than most of our rivals, but then we have a sign on the dressing room wall to remind us that comparison is the thief of joy, and we’re averaging over four goals a game. Can we keep this up? Have I been playing this game completely wrong for over 20 years? Can a man called Butter continue to let in an average of just over one per match in the league?

Micro-spoilers……no, no and absolutely not.