Our All-Out-Attack warriors are on a mission from God, and the day after his only son’s birthday, we’re off to Brechin.

A little pause for reflection. Please don’t get me wrong – Gary Goals doesn’t listen to the High Performance podcast, and considers Jake Humphrey a complete twerp – but sometimes a little look in the mirror pays dividends.

We’re playing All Out Attack – a cartoon of a formation – and we’ve played 8, won 8 in the league. We’ve only lost to Rangers this season, and even then their keeper got Man of the Match. If we can keep the boys on track, we’re pioneering a new way to play football. If you asked the people of Montrose to name three great football managers, they wouldn’t say Ferguson, Dalglish, Ancelotti…. they’d say Michels, Wenger, Guardiola….. Goals.

We’ve lost our starting centre midfielder and our top scorer from Season One to the big-club release clause, but neither was in the true top tier of our key players, so it’s time to lift the lads and carry on the only way we know – all guns blazing.

Our first season of all-out, balls to the wall attacking play saw us sneak into second and gain promotion. There’s no denying we were lucky at times, but we ended on a good run and signed off the last part by signing a youthful Rino Gattuso to clobber anyone who dares come near our defenders. Anything that exists without Rino’s knowledge exists without his consent. That’s as true of Brechin City’s hopeful through-balls as it is of the spiritual side of life, and he’s here to prove it.

Our main challenge this season may well be to keep hold of our better players. To that end, we’ll bulk up the squad a little more in advance.

As we left things last week, I was entering what felt like my late-Mourinho phase – which is not ideal in Season One. The board, cautious perhaps that the gung-ho approach on the pitch will be matched in the boardroom, are denying me the necessary fuel for my visionary plans (ie signing Chris Priest), and if we don’t stiffen up at the back, the fanbase will soon be asking legitimate questions.

For those just joining us, we’re serving up an absolute treat to the good people of Montrose by playing all out attack, all the time, and despite a few bumps along the way, we’re tucked handily into second place with 8 games left.

Dumbarton head to the Links Stadium first up in the run-in:

The first chapter of our devastating all-out assault on the defences of Scottish Division 3 saw us drop out of both cups but sign off with a 100% record in the league.

As a reminder, we’re playing the emergency All Out Attack formation throughout the save – no excuses, no tactical tweaks in any circumstances, no looking (or tracking) back.

So far, the formation is certainly exceeding expectations, but it’s extremely early and we’re not counting any goalden chickens. First up for part 2 are Ross County.

My name? Gary Goals. My mission – to fire up the iPad and prove that Ossie was right, by taking a team to the top exclusively using the All Out Attack formation.

The rules are simple – no varying from this formation, ever. If we’re 2-1 up in the Cup Final and have two men sent off, we’re sticking with our AAA. It’s never worked before; the old Keegan style ultimately turned out to be ‘if they score 4, we’ll score 3’. For us, though, if they score 7, we’ll simply score 8. Nothing, and I mean nothing, can go wrong!

Goes without saying that we’re certainly not editing the database in any way, or looking up who any regens are – that’s for speccy ‘laptop managers’ and the Goals dynasty is as old school as they come. Launch it direct and stick it in the net.

We’re going to start this journey in sunny Angus, in Montrose to be precise. The loyal following at the Links Stadium is going to witness a barrage of goals, gaffes and gonzo-ings.

To start with – recruitment. My squad is bloated with hot garbage, and I have next to no money – so first up is this lad, who has absolutely no technique, dribbling or flair, and should fit right in at this level.