The first chapter of our devastating all-out assault on the defences of Scottish Division 3 saw us drop out of both cups but sign off with a 100% record in the league.

As a reminder, we’re playing the emergency All Out Attack formation throughout the save – no excuses, no tactical tweaks in any circumstances, no looking (or tracking) back.

So far, the formation is certainly exceeding expectations, but it’s extremely early and we’re not counting any goalden chickens. First up for part 2 are Ross County.

A nervy first hour, but then quality shines through. Another clean sheet for my keeper, Mr Butter, while Graeme Tomlinson, Bradford’s version of Teddy Sheringham, pops up with another goal.

Now, another trip to Hampden to play Queen’s Park, a venue where we banged six in the cup.

Hey Bobby, how do you spell Invincibles?! Graeme’s no doubt instrumental, but it’s two of his front-line colleagues bagging the glory with braces.

We’re 8 wins from 8, we’re gonna win every game, we’re gonna walk this farmer’s league, we’re gonna…

…ah. A late equaliser from Twissy saves us from a home defeat to a team of semi-professional clowns. Back down to earth. There’ll be worse days than this though, I remind the boys. let’s pick it up and go again. Another home game up next, and our better-than-expected defence will sort things out.

Well – unbeaten, but we’re spluttering. Scraping a comeback draw with a team we beat 5-1 away. At least the boys up front are doing their jobs.

We need to sort this defence out before we implode like Liverpool after their era-crumbling 4-4 draw with Everton in February of 1991, I remind the boys. They all get the reference and nod with respect, because this, after all, is the late 90s, and most of those players are still playing.

A trip to Central Park sounds very nice, even when taken by executive coach, but when we get there, we realise we’re in fkn Cowdenbeath.

Graeme Tomlinson is becoming the Gary Goals Jr I never had, and a win’s a win, but we’re worrying vulnerable in defence. If I wasn’t in enormous debt, I’d sign at least one defender and a goalkeeper.

My skipper, meanwhile, is underperforming and got pulled off at half time. More than he deserved for a 6.

More of the same comes at home to East Stirling.

We keep conceding goals, and we keep falling behind, but then again – GOALS GOALS GOALS.

Next up Alloa, who we hit for 5 last time.

Do I not like that! What have they been instructed?! What sort of thing is happening here?

This, perhaps, is the harsh reality of telling 7 players to attack relentlessly while 3 inexperienced centre halves see what they can do when we lose the ball. All of the first-teamers featured, we just got absolutely monstered by…. Alloa Athletic.

‘You’ve gorra fkn DIE for 3 points!’, I gently remind Duncan, Craib and Masson at the back. Craib gives it some backchat, so he’s permanently binned for a teenager with zero league appearances and ratings of 2 for heading and passing, as well. as a cheeky 5 for pace.

A quick return to the winning trail:

Thank God for Twissy, who’s a real clutch player and turns in a show at Gayfield Park. Over the border next.

Ah, taking a tonking off a Gerry Creaney inspired 10 man Berwick Rangers. Could have been worse after going 3-0 down too.

Another day, another draw. The AAA form is dipping alarmingly – I knew we’d concede plenty, but given the standard of these opponents, we’ve clearly got glaring personnel weaknesses.

I knew that one day sharks would come for my babies (h/t David O’Leary), but I didn’t expect this shark, or this baby. He’s not even first choice when everyone’s fit, and it’s just a relief that this isn’t Graeme.

An offer I literally can’t refuse. At least it should help our crippled finances back in the rough direction of zero.

Another fledgling ego has landed in ‘Downtown’ Justin Brown, who believes that a 6.00 average rating across two career matches merits a move to the big time. Millwall are already circling, and if he wants, I’ll drive him there meself.

Once more unto the breach, and at least we’re at home.

OK, we stink. This is more than a major drift of form, we’ve got serious issues. Luckily Graeme’s only out for a couple of weeks.

Scored two again, got bonked again. Albion are emerging as title favourites, and might prove to be that team that get promoted through the leagues with us – if we can muster the results to make that happen on our end.

Let’s take a look at the form table:

7th in the form table for the bottom division – is that good? It’s an adventurous formation, but Gary Goals’s meticulous standards demand much better than this.

What a man Twissy is.

Sneaked it at the death thanks to Forrester, who has generally reacted pretty well to being aggressively pulled off in Central Park that time.

I’d happily take some money for Downtown – we need reinforcements.

Ok, let’s not overreact, perhaps we are just enduring a spell of bad luck. Let’s take a look at the stats.

Zero shots on target, one corner. If this continues, there’s a risk we’re getting sacked here.

Generous appraisal, if anything. Look at those monthly losses, too, thanks to our attendances in the 600s.

Scottish FA Cup time. The board would love a win and an SPL draw in the next round, and frankly so would I.

Wilde thing, you make my heart sing. He’s only in to cover an injury to Mainwaring, but he makes the most of his chance. Maybe Winiarski, meanwhile, was onto something when he declared himself the new Paul McStay.

We draw Raith Rovers in Round 3, to the chairman’s absolute disgust. Back to the league we go.

What a man Twissy is. The Bracemaster. Paul Brace-well. Roy Brace, of Roy of the Brovers? We’ll need him to keep chipping in from the FL position if we’re to have any kind of a chance.

By now, I’ve come to the harsh conclusion that we’re not going up if we don’t do something drastic about Fingers in goal.

I’ve gone back to Rangers, explained that we got shot of ol’ John-Paul to Partick as soon as we realised our error, and that we’ll never sign a Catholic again if they agree to actually send us Mike Rae out on loan properly. Luckily they fall for it, and we finally have something resembling a proper keeper.

OK, we only draw, but starting with an 8 and conceding a single goal against our promotion rivals is a solid opener from Mike.

The Auld Enemy Gerry Creaney nearly sinks us, but Graeme is the best player in this league and we sneak it at the death.

This is how the table looks with 2/3 of the season gone. We’re still in touch, thanks to the 8 win streak that opened the season, but we need to outperform Alloa from here. We’ve conceded more goals than the top two combined, and we’re not outscoring them by anything like the margin that I’d hope given our gung-ho style.

We make it through in the cup against higher-league opposition, and draw Aberdeen. A decent showing, and the chairman’s happy.

Strange loan signing, Mike Rae – we still let in two a game, but keep winning, so he must be doing something for the dressing room confidence. Mainwaring bundles in a hat-trick.

Here we go, an offer for our only central midfielder. I don’t know if the game engine would consider Huddersfield a bigger team or not – but we need the money so I gratefully accept without trying my luck on the tribunal.

Captain Mainwaring at it again, and a big Protestant clean sheet to boot.

With the Winiarski deal completed, this is our outgoing column. We’re back in the black, so it’s time to look at our shortlist.

I’ve fancied this big lad for a while, but we’ve not had the £5k that Minor team are demanding. A February bid is lodged.

We come out as winners against the runaway leaders. I can’t prove it, but I’m sure Mike Rae’s beautiful blue gloves are behind this renaissance.

Looking over the rest of the squad, nothing else has changed – and despite terminating seven contracts, we still want rid of a lot of deadwood.

Meanwhile, despite banking over £500k for Winnie, the board are not willing to let me offer Dragan Popov more than £400 a week.

£400 a week is £20,800 a year – if that’s our upper limit, we’re really shopping in the basement here. Dragan naturally refuses our insulting offer, but I have an ace up my sleeve in reserve in Matt Bound. Unfortunately, he knacks himself on the way to sign the contract, so I have to pull the plug.

Looks like we go with the same defenders, and focus on filling that centre mid spot. We’ve tried to sign a couple of decent looking Ghanaians in the meantime, but the work permit police have whacked their massive beaks in and said no.

Up next it’s the big cup tie, and we’ve sold 4,470 tickets. Time to show what we can do.

Ah, never mind. We’re just not anywhere near competing with SPL teams yet, but that’s to be expected when you go ultra aggressive against a team 3 leagues higher. A couple of goals from Paul Bernard, a CM94 legend.

Back to Central Park, and there’s an inspirational glint in Forrester’s eye.They get a man sent off and we go big.

That leaves the table looking like this with 8 games to go…

Our cup exploits leave us with a game in hand, and while the title seems unlikely, the runner-up slot is ours to lose from here. Strange that Alloa – playing 4-4-2 and passing style – have only scored 2 fewer than our maniacs.

I’m also eyeing up this midfield general, who’s affordable on the basis that his Chester contract is rapidly running down. He doesn’t look perfect, and I hate that heading rating, but almost no-one wants to sign for us.

A CM is the final ingredient needed to ensure we go up in style, Surely we can sell him the wonders of swapping English professional football for, erm, Montrose.

Sack the board!!! We lose out on another vital signing due to our stringency on wages, and we still don’t have a central midfielder at all. We’re going to have to get creative to solve this on £400 a week.

See you next week for the run-in. We’ll stick with this formation whatever happens – as John Irving once said, if you are lucky enough to find a way of life you love, you have to find the courage to live it. He can surely only have had Montrose in mind.