Hello! Welcome back to England, Holland and France for season 2. If you’re new around here, check out the previous 4 episodes or this might be quite confusing.

It was meant to be a busy summer but managing three apparently completely unattractive clubs is bringing further challenges. So, how was your summer?

Crystal Palace

On the shopping list was a young striker to replace/compliment the ageing Vialli and Padovano. Nobody is keen. That particularly vacancy remains open. Elsewhere, I was looking to do some inter-club transfers and was amazed to see Emmers was interested in going to Go Ahead Eagles. Absolutely nobody ever wants to go there so I took a punt on loaning him there, thinking I would absolutely be able to find a replacement. In came young Daniel Brown, old Carlos Valderrama and neither here-nor-there Tiago. I’m not convinced by any, so I recalled Emmers and tried to loan at least one of them to our Dutch friends. They all said no. All in all, a summer to remember.

Go Ahead Eagles

The Eagles are absolutely broke. The debt currently stands at just over £300k but we leak money like my bank account on a weekend. Verschelde has been coaxed back for another spell on loan, Paraguayan freebie Melgarejo is here to replace Emmers, for the time being at least, and Dr Julius Hibburt has signed after being out of contract at Palace. The early signs are that he is hopeless. Pav is also here to play in goal but he’s not great either. All in all, could be better. Actively considering selling Tam Tam to balance the books.

Nice

Nice are also saddled with debt so all signings have been free goalkeepers. Arnau was released from Barca and Espen Baardsen seems to always be on a free transfer. Either way, Arnau will start the season with the gloves and we can only hope he can catch AND kick when required. In terms of a shopping list, a backup defensive midfielder feels a necessity and another goal threat would be nice.

Underwhelming perhaps but Nice get their season off to the best possible start.

The Eagles’ problems are laid bare – can’t score at one end, nearly every shot goes in at the other. 9 shots for Tammer…maybe it is time to cash in.

Palace finally get their first win of the season at the fourth time of asking.

A big transfer week. The Go Ahead Eagles make £300k selling a 34 year old centre back.

He will be replaced by this guy. I had to sign him for Nice and then loan him somewhere more useful. Monsieur Christmas.

It must be work permit check day as these two end up on free transfers and I’m happy to take a punt on them for Nice. They aren’t good enough for Palace and they’d rather shit in their hands and clap than go to Holland like 99% of the database.

Palace keep ticking along, two wins are followed by this draw at Barnsley. It isn’t the most noteworthy result but I can’t imagine we’ll have played many seasons over the years where Barnsley and Palace both stay up in season 1.

Meanwhile in the Pints Cup, Tam Tam scores 5 to stat pad for another season. We still cannot stop conceding goals though.

Oh not now Graeme

Oh boy.

I’ve put in a £4m bid from Palace, in the hope that they either match it or don’t bother and I’ll just take him to Palace instead.

For £100k, I’m taking this kid to Palace. There’s got to be something there.

There is! Well, if we play First Division Walsall every week at least.

He backs it up with the winner against Southampton. It’s promising.

Over in Holland, it’s been pretty bleak for the Eagles but this two minute double salvo sees us pick up our first league win. Tam Tam Bigelow finally shows up at the top level.

We did at least perform in the Pints Cup. Hopefully better times ahead.

Good grief. I didn’t expect the corner to be turned this much. PSV are absolutely destroyed. Tammer really has found his feet, the experience of Verschelde is shining through and Dr Hibburt is laughing his way to being England’s best centre half. One of those is not necessarily true.

Two wins in a row have put us 12th (of 18) so it’s hardly time to get carried away. Hopefully now the side is a bit settled we will only improve from here.

We’ll look at the squads in a minute but first, the tables.

Palace are ok, nothing more. I don’t really know what the secret is going to be to becoming a top side – something dramatically will have to change with our reputation and ability to attract players.

I’ve not brought you loads of updates from Nice but that’s because it has been generally rubbish. We are really struggling for goals, which is not like most of my sides. How do we fix it?

This is the squad. The good? Arnau, Solano, Bjorn, Valencia, Tomlinson. The bad? Pretty much everybody else. Schemmel is a lunatic. McVeigh struggles to score at the top level. Jovic, Milosevic, Ketsbaia…the jury is out on all of them.

Loaning this guy feels like a hell of a gamble. All his basic stats suggest he will be good but who really knows.

Palace have the same old problems really. You look at the team – Wright (20), Quinn (21), Wicks (20), Lauchlan (17), Dyer (23), Ledezma (19), Ritchie (18), Jensen (21) – and if we can keep them together for a few years, they should only get better. How long will that take though? Meanwhile you have Vialli (34), Padovano (32), Lombardo (32), Emmers (32) who won’t be around forever but replacing them is another matter entirely.

Finally, here’s the Eagles’ squad. If I was worried about future planning Palace, they are a bed of roses compared to this lot. There’s never any budget and nobody wants to sign, so there’s a huge job on. We have sticking plasters everywhere. We still haven’t found a suitable goalkeeper, both defensive midfielders are 33, the star striker has a contract to 2000 but wants to leave so we’ll either have to sell soon to get cash or lose him for nothing. Natigol is good though. We’ll always have Natigol.

See you next week for more tomfoolery.