Here’s Matthew to ease you into Tuesday. He still doesn’t have Twitter but he’s doing a splendid job with Altrincham on CM9798, as he’ll explain below. Catch up with part 12 here.

I’m running out of ways to start these updates, but hello anyway. We finished last time with a disheartening home defeat to a close rival so we need to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and return to winning ways. Let’s get to it.

England decide upon their new manager it amazingly it’s not me. Not even a mention in the gossip page of the Star, hmph. It’s Real’s manager Heynckes, who leaves them in a very disappointing 6th place in La Liga. Considering they finished first and then second in the preceding seasons, it seems a strange time to poach him but I’m sure they know what they’re doing…

We’re continuing our exciting Windscreen Trophy campaign next, away at Blackpool for the second round. Roberts is cup-tied so old wet spaghetti hands Hammond starts, but at least cm97/98 freak specimen Jim Quinn is injured for them. Zerrouki replaces the unfit N’Diaye and Gatusso is still crocked.

Well, my fears between the posts prove to be well founded as Hammond fails to make a save in the first half, letting two goals in and ending with a rating of 4. To be fair we’re awful all over the pitch and he at least picks it up in the second half, making 3 good stops. I couldn’t have too many complaints if Blackpool finished up 5-0 winners, but ah well at least we’re out of this sodding competition again. This proves to be the final straw for Duncan and he wants out

Matthew Bound was immense for us last year but his performances massively dipped when we stepped up to Division 2 – if/when Duncan goes I’ll be bringing in a like for like replacement and not relying on the existing squad. After agreeing to Duncan’s request, I transfer list Bound for good measure as I can’t see a future for him here.

Brighton are our opponents in the FA Cup next, and we’re eager to not make it 3 defeats on the bounce. Roberts is back in goal and N’Diaye is fit enough to start as playmaker again.

We save our best form for this cup and we get the result that the 12,000 home fans wanted, courtesy of our strike partnership. Tomlinson had been suffering a drought recently, coming dangerously close to averaging a paltry goal per game, but he’s back on target here along with Allardyce. He goes and spoils it by getting himself sent off towards the end but whatever, we’re through.

We are drawn to play Division 1 side Huddersfield in the next round, but crucially it’s at home so we’ve got a fair chance of getting past them. The offers finally come in for Duncan

My old pal Gislason, who spent a while on loan to us last season, is available for £400k so I put an offer in – whether he’ll be happy to move here permanently is iffy but it’s worth a go. I also accept a part-exchange offer from Middlesborough which includes ex-Man Utd stalwart David May, but I think it’s very doubtful we’ll get that over the line. Gislason gets back to us promptly to tell us he’s not interested despite our mutual history. Heart of stone that lad.

In case you’re wondering how I determine which players to make a move for, I generally start with seeing who’s available at home and interested from abroad, and see if anyone catches my eye. If there’s no obvious hits, I then pull up the skills screen to filter my choices down. In this case it’s a defender I’m after, so I go for attributes that most suit this position like so

It’s important not to set the skills too high or you won’t get anyone – nobody that wants to play for us will be perfect at this stage. This isn’t a guarantee that your signing won’t flop, but it gives you more of a chance of finding a gem. Using this method, I’ve identified a young defender at struggling Bristol City who seems like a good fit.

He’s wanted by other clubs, but no-one from a higher division than us so we’ve got every chance of landing him. I put in a £1.4m bid and cross my fingers.

Duncan’s farewell game is away to Blackpool, who just did us in the Windscreen Shield. I hope things will be better this time around as N’Diaye is pulling the strings rather than Zerrouki and Hammond is nowhere near the matchday squad.

Blackpool seem to know how to play against us for some reason, and they’re deserving 1-0 winners courtesy of a late goal by Jim sodding Quinn. N’Diaye has a poor game and the rest of the midfield aren’t much better. The forwards can’t be blamed as they had basically no service all game and it’s a very disappointing performance all around.

In better news, we quickly backtrack on the Plummer deal

Why, do you ask? Well, because of this:

Against the odds, Duncan opts for Boro and May accepts a no-strings attached £7k a week to drop down a further division, despite being on a relegation and non-promotion clause in Division 1. He only asks us for a management job offer clause, so I think he’s planning to make us his final club. Regardless, it’s a massive coup and we’ve turned another outgoing transfer to our advantage.

He goes straight into the eleven for our home game against Preston, and there’s one more enforced change as Tomlinson’s one match suspension takes effect so Harris gets another chance to impress.

It’s a depressingly familiar story as we spurn a whole host of chances and end up drawing with a team that scores their only on-target attempt of the game. This highlights what I think is a flaw in this game – if you’re playing well, you understandably limit your opponent’s chances game after game, and as the keeper isn’t worked he usually gets a default rating of 5. The game sees this as a bad performance so your keeper’s form declines and then you suffer when the other teams get a couple of chances and put them away because your keeper is meant to be crap according to the recent stats.

Our lead at the top has been cut down a single point which is beginning to worry me somewhat. I decide to swap back to Hammond as his form is listed as good compared to Roberts’ poor, and I hope the latter keeper’s form improves with a rest. We’re given another home fixture, this time against struggling Watford, and a win is desperately required to halt the current downturn we’re experiencing. Tommo is back but Allardyce is now suspended so Harris gets another start in an otherwise unchanged outfield team.

Well that was a mistake. Hammond has 1 frigging save to make and of course cocks it up. Tommo misses a penalty and we only manage a single goal despite several on target as our woes up front continue. Hammond is transfer listed after the match in a fit of pique as I finally lose my rag with him, and I’m determined to stick with Roberts from now on or maybe even sign yet another keeper.

It might be a bit doom and gloom right now but hey, at least we’ve broken a club record

Congrats Dazza, your dad would be proud. This update is getting kind of long (even by my verbose standards) but I’m determined to try to end on a high note so I’m playing one more match this week. It’s away at Burnley and we have to stop dropping points, please lads!

Well, thank Christ for that. We’re much better than the scoreline suggests and only goalkeeper Kelly’s superhuman display keeps the goal count down. Roberts pulls off a couple of saves to restore a shred of faith in him and we get our first win in four games. So where does that leave us?

Still top, but only by 2 points. We’re 5 points clear of the playoff places which is a bit better but we need to consistently get results or we probably won’t remain in this position much longer.

It gets better and better for new boys Colwyn Bay, as they’re firmly in the middle of the play-offs and Scarborough are still up there as well. Maybe they’ll meet each other at the end of the season, who knows?

At the bottom, the gap remains the same at 6 points so there’s still plenty of time for Darlo to escape, and if they make up the difference there are a few teams on equal points who could be dragged into the mire.

Twitterless Matthew is here to brighten your Tuesday. Altrincham are now an established football league side, so much so they are buying players from Borussia Dortmund. Catch up with part 11 here.

We’re into the fourth update of season 2 and it’s a case of so far, so good. We’re flying high in the league and shortly due to kick off our FA Cup campaign. Two of our strikeforce from last season have left us for Bolton, however the new recruit Tomlinson marked his debut with a hat trick so the omens are good up front.

Ferguson has been a bad lad and starts a 3 match suspension for accrued disciplinary points. In addition, N’Diaye is knackered yet again as we face Bradford City at home. N’Diaye is at 82% fitness but Zerrouki is only 6% better off so I decide to stick with it and sub them later on if necessary.

Tomlinson continues his dream start with another 2 goals either side of the half, and Browning makes it 3 with 25 mins left to play. Watson pulls one back for them in the last few minutes but we’re fully in control and close out a very comfortable win.

Old man Wilkins decides he wants to move, and I’m not going to stand in his way. Good luck finding a club that want a 37 year old who’s out for 3 months with a damaged spine though.

The midfield are well rested for the trip to York, who came up with us last season but haven’t shared the same sort of success as they’re currently 20th. It’s another assured performance and we run out easy 2-0 winners, though I am still concerned with Roberts. His form has dropped from superb to average and he actually went into half time with a rating of 4. I’ll give it another few games before jumping into action on that front though.

The fixture list is pretty relentless at the moment, and we’re back in action the following Wednesday as we travel to midtable Wigan. There are no fresh injury concerns so I keep the same 11 that started at York.

It’s a hard-fought game, and a glaring example of a game of two halves. We start dreadfully and are under the cosh for the entire first half, going in with a fully deserved 2-0 deficit. This isn’t the fault of Roberts though, as he’s made a couple of smart saves to limit the damage, it was simply the relentless attacks that had been the problem. We’re completely different after the break though, and Browning gives us hope 3 minutes in. It’s then the Graeme Tomlinson show as he grabs a brace to turn the game around and further endear himself to the Altrincham support. Wigan have a couple of chances to level it up after that, but Roberts does commendably and keeps them out. Duncan is sent off in the 86th minute for a professional foul but it’s too late and we take maximum points home. I don’t know what Bound did for those final 4 minutes but it can’t have been good – I’ve never actually seen a 3 rating before.

N’Diaye simply can’t handle 2 matches a week in that central role it seems, and he’s benched for the home game against 4th-placed Brighton due to fatigue. Zerrouki takes his position and Ferguson returns from suspension in place of Gattuso.

We find ourselves behind after a fairly even first half, with Roberts having another good game for us. The game turns when Brighton go a man down however and Tomlinson levels it up a few minutes later to improve his ridiculous record to 8 goals in his first 5 appearances for us. We push for a winner but can’t find a way past Ormerod and have to settle for a point.

There’s trouble brewing with Duncan as he’s finally decided that he’s too good for us. I’ll have to look for another centre back after our next game as I don’t think he’ll be with us much longer.

Our second Windscreen Shield game is at Scunthorpe, who we also shared a group with last year. Roberts is a cup-tied so Hammond gets another chance to impress and N’Diaye is rested in anticipation of a game that actually matters.

It’s an understatement to say that Hammond doesn’t take his chance to regain the number 1 spot as he lets in Scunthorpe’s only chance of the first half and goes in with a rating of 4. We rally for the second half though and Tomlinson scores yet again before Harris opens his account for us in an impressive 20 minute cameo. As embarrassing as it would have been, a defeat would have knocked us out of this Micky Mouse trophy but it wasn’t to be and we’ll have to suffer through at least one more round.

We’re not back to the league yet though as the next game is the opening round of the FA Cup against Bristol City at home. They’re second from bottom in Division 2 and their keeper is out with fractured ribs, leaving an autogen in goal. Tomlinson may well improve his goalscoring record even further in the next 90 minutes. Hunter is struggling with his fitness level which draws attention to the fact that I only have one right wingback – I’ll remedy that after the match.

It’s a frustrating first half as my team fail to realise the ease at which they could score with an autogen in goal if only they actually tested him. I’m shouting “JUST GET ONE ON TARGET YOU TURDS” futilely at the screen as chance after chance is deflected wide or flies over the bar, but Tomlinson finally gets his act together in the second half and bags yet another brace. It’s now 11 from 7 and I suspect he may catch the eye of one of the bigger boys soon, as he has a big club release clause sadly.

I can’t find a suitable right wingback on a free so I move instead for this German regen, who looks pretty average but will do fine at filling in for Hunter in the odd game and won’t break the bank at £42k

The hairy-faced madman is out for a couple of months, which is a shame but he’s become a bit-part player recently so it’s not a huge spanner in the works

Heinrich is happy to sign so we finally have cover for Hunter

The defence takes a hit for our next match, which is away at Stockport. Duncan is suspended following his sending off at Wigan and Taggart is away with NI so we’re two players down. Stockport are one place above the bottom though with a solitary win in their last 15 matches and they’re also facing an injury/suspension crisis of their own so I’m hoping the damage is minimal. Young John Butler makes his first appearance at the back and new signing Heinrich takes to the bench.

It’s a very routine win, and we do the damage early before sitting back and riding it out. Butler tries a little bit too hard on his debut, picking up a booking and later injuring Stockport’s Parker with an over-zealous lunge, but all in all it’s a good performance from the lads.

England, Wales and Scotland have qualified for this Summer’s European finals, all as best runners up, but this evidently is not good enough for the FA who expect first place or NOTHING

The final game of this update is (sort of) a top of the table clash between us and Peterborough, who are currently third. Duncan is back from suspension and Taggart from international duty so it’s a much more familiar defence.

We end up on the wrong end of the result in a game of few chances. They get a quick couple of goals after the break and although Browning pulls one back with 15 minutes to go, I never really feel like we’re going to level it up and so it proves. So our first loss in quite a while puts a dent in what’s otherwise a really good set of results in this update.

Ah, stop rubbing it in! They really know how to kick a man when he’s down, jeez…

Anyway a quick look at the tables, as is customary:

The loss lets Peterborough make up some ground but we’re still 6 points clear at the top as we approach the midway point in the season – a pretty damn fine place to be.

As for Colwyn Bay, They’re still enjoying their first league season sitting in tenth place and, like last time, just a point off the play off places. Promotion of these non-league sides usually happens 2 or 3 seasons in, but it’s pretty rare to achieve it in the maiden campaign. Scarborough have gone from strength to strength and are knocking on the door of automatic promotion places, which is quite a turnaround from their last two consecutive 23rd placings.

The race to avoid the drop into obscurity is very, very close this year and Darlington are currently at the bottom of the pile. No doubt more twists and turns are on their way as only a point or less separates each team all the way up to 14th, so a win or two can massively change a team’s fortunes.