It’s a bit chilly these days, let’s hang on to our warmer days and head back to Benidorm with Nath.

Hello and welcome back to Benidorm, where on one street you can see a midget strip show and on the very next street sit down for a nice family meal. When you left us Brian McEwan, crazy owner of Benidorm CF had made me manager of his team. We met a few of the characters at the club and saw the stadium. Now we just need a team to start the season. Let’s dive in.

July/August

I had no idea how hard it is to get a team together! We are starting with next to no players at all so me and Pete are ringing everyone and anyone to try and get players in. I’m explaining this to Juan’s dad in his bar, it’s quickly become my favourite haunt as it’s really quiet compared to most Benidorm bars. A man approaches wearing chino shorts and slim fit white shirt. He says his name is Saul and he’s an agent. Now being in Benidorm i don’t know if he’s serious or just another windup merchant. Juan’s dad spots him and they embrace. He tells me he used to look after Juan when he was on trial in Valencia. We get chatting and agree to meet at the training ground in a week. He says he will have some players for us to look at.

He doesn’t disappoint. Pete has brought a few along as well to make enough for 11 a side. There are some truly awful players, but we sign a few up on the spot. Brian has flown in for the game. He offers us £9 million in the transfer kitty and brings Saul on as our own personal agent. After a couple of weeks, we have a squad in place.

Lots of unknowns and lots of experience. I’m just glad we have a squad together. Brian has been busy drumming up support for our first game. He’s got flyers and offers in every bar and hotel in Benidorm. First game up is against La Liga side Mallorca. I’m not expecting much. We’ve only had a few weeks training as a full team with new players joining all the time. I’m just hoping it’s not embarrassing.

It’s not embarrassing. It’s brilliant. Everything we have worked on in training works and Mallorca have no answers. It’s pandemonium in the stands and in the dressing room. Brian comes down with champagne and the party is really getting going. Kirkby of course is centre of attention, bollock naked with a Benidorm scarf round his head. Me and Pete wait for it to die down a bit. Brian clears off, with the champagne. I tell the team they played well but these celebrations are a joke. We’ve won one game not a trophy. That sufficiently dampens the mood.

The new boys get the goals to rescue a point in our first league game. The stadium isn’t full, but the attendance is over 6000 which is pleasing. Next up is the return leg against Mallorca in the Copa Del Rey.

Job done in Mallorca.

We end the month with a fantastic away win in the league. Micky and Kirkby were brilliant. Kirkby was slicing the defence apart with every pass and Micky went into his magical zone just dancing past players like no one was watching. In the changing room Pete singles Mickey out as our player of the match. Kirkby launches him into the baths and the team celebrate. Mickey looks like he wants the ground to swallow him up.

Sunday is a day off. I’m out having a belated birthday meal with family and friends in the Old Town down tapas alley. Pete is with me, and Brian’s wife joins us. Brian isn’t around but he’s settled the bill for us. Pete and I decide to head to Juan’s dad’s place for a few quiet drinks. The quickest way is through the British Square, so we head that way. Of course, it’s full of the usual stag parties and hen parties. As we get to Cafe Benidorm there seems to be quite the commotion. Me and Pete stick out heads to see a grown man wearing a giant nappy swinging a rattle around like a conductor’s baton. This lad turns around and my jaw hits the floor. It’s bloody Kirkby!! Blasting out the John Barnes rap of World in Motion. Pete gets a video on his phone of the scene. Looking forward to the next team meeting!

Join us next time for more games and more shenanigans from Benidorm.