It’s been a running debate that has gathered pace recently. What if Celtic & Rangers joined the English Premier League? How would they fare? The rhetoric from the big two in Scotland has been getting feisty and the chairman of the English FA ain’t having it.  A spokesman for the Scottish Big 2 and the chairman of the English FA are invited on to Jerry Springer to sort out their differences.

After security separates them, Jerry facilitates a grown up debate:

Glasgow McSpokesman: We would smash your wee teams.

EFA Chairman – No you wouldn’t.

GMcS: Would

EFA: Wouldn’t. 

GMcS: Would.

EFA:  Wouldn’t

GMcS: Would.

EFA:  Wouldn’t

GMcS: Yes we *BLEEP* would.

EFA – No you *BLEEP* wouldn’t.

We’ll be right back after this commercial break……

Welcome back. 

GMcS: Would.

EFA: Wouldn’t.

GMcS:  Would.

EFA: Wouldn’t.

GMcS – Look, I’m telling you now. Our two teams would *BLEEP* smash your teams.

EFA – No. I’m telling you now. They absolutely *BLEEP* wouldn’t.

GMCS: Would,

EFA – Wouldn’t.

Jerry has had it.

“ENOUGH ALREADY! You pair of fucking BLEEPS. There’s only one way to settle this. You Mr Chairman. Make a few calls. Write a few cheques. Suck a few cocks. I don’t care what you gotta do. Just let them in already. Or are you ch-ch-chicken. Bawk- Bawk” 

Chants of Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! are too much for Mr Chairman to resist, before we know it an agreement is made and we’re into Jerry’s Final Thought.

“In the unpredictable game of soccer where passions flare hotter than halftime debates. And red cards are given for love triangles on and off the field. Just remember, in life you often get long balls in your box. But a well prepared De-fence can be your best Off-ence. Until next time, keep the drama on the pitch and belief in your cleats.”

God Jerry doesn’t half talk some shit. 

In the aftermath of the decision. There’s mixed emotions. The English public are very welcoming of the idea. Well everyone apart from Arsenal and Aston Villa fans. They found out when the fixture list came out that they had been sent North of the border. The reasons given is that Arsenal and Villa, were first on the list. Seems justifiable. 

It’s a pain for traveling fans. 

Gunners and Villa fans aside, everyone in England is happy enough and looking forward to having Rangers and Celtic in the Premier League. 

However, the news has not gone down well in Scotland. Has it fuck. Damning headlines are printed:

GLAS-GO SOUTH

TRAITORS

BETRAYAL

WHY VILLA FFS

One article suggested Willaim Wallace would be turning in his grave. And it is true. 

He is fuming.

Willam Wallace has come back from the dead to sort this mess out and teach those Glaswegians a lesson.

Wallace enters the last decent Glasgow club. Not Queens Park, the other one. Partick Thistle.

He barges into Furhill and seizes control of the club with brute force. 20th Centrury men are wimps. In an emergency board meeting he sets out his stall.

“My name is William Wallace. This is a disgrace. And it brings shame on the great city of Glasgow. We will go South and right this wrong. I’ve appointed Emsonite as manager.”

The Club Treasurer doesn’t like it: “Oh no, not that Welsh twat. He’s bald. Ewww”

WW: Don’t question my methods or I’ll have your heed. We will go South and win all their cups and we will not give them back. Then and only then we will rejoin the Scottish league. Each trophy will be smelted. And I will make a sword. Celtic and Rangers will have nothing to play for. It will serve as a warning to any other club who dares to think about going South in the future. 

CT: You know, the Anglish could just order new trophies from the trophy shop.

WW: IT’S SYMBOLIC! You dumb basstad. Last warning. Heed. Off. 

CT: erm, okay. I’m sorry. All the trophies? Even the wee Windscreen. 

WW: Especially the fucking Windscreen! That’s it.

My first day on the job. 

Emsonite: Thanks for the job, Bill. But I think I’m gonna need some help, butt. 

WW: OK. Take a million quid and my great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandson, Rod. After that, you can only buy Scotsmen or players from Rangers and Celtic. You must go South and beat those traitor Glaswegians. Beat them with Scotsmen and their own players who turn against them like they turned their back on their own people. Steal the Anglish metal. Make me my sword. Oh and we’re going to need a new treasurer. 

WW: You have 10 seasons. If you fail I will have your heed. Now fuck off. You leek eating basstad. 

Join us next week as we begin Sword Quest.