William Wallace has made it clear. Windscreen this season or I will be beheaded. That doesn’t sound very pleasant. 

To give us the best chance possible, I need a good transfer window. 

After conceding 65 goals last season, a new GK is my main priority. Ewan Wilson should be an upgrade, although I’m not convinced.

Now this is a good offer. But Dickov scored 56 goals last year. And would Rangers be sniffing around him if he wasn’t the real deal? I’m a sucker for money & trades though. 

If I can get Van Vossen, those goals should be replaced. 

Offer accepted. And he’s gone.

Now I’ve got £20m in the bank. I know someone who would be happy with that trade….

John Richie is sent to Japan. Again, stupid money. 

Sharples looks decent. 7.21 average for York in Div 2 last year proving he can already pay at this level. 

Not much else out there at the moment. I’m hoping some Scots retire at the end of the season. Got my eye on McCoist, Richard Gough. Gary Gillespie and Brian McClair.

Alas. They all stick around despite not playing last season. Gillespie did retire but he’s come back with Technique 1. Yeah. That’s what I thought. 

Giving the new team some shooting practice against some minnows. After taking an early 3 nil lead Spartans manager had had enough making wholesale changes after 7 minutes.

I’d hate to be one of those players going back into the dressing room. Their manager was fuming. 

The 5 who got hooked didn’t make it home to their families.

Scotland are blessed with centre halves. And now so are we. Going to tweak the formation this season to accommodate them. 

First game in Div 2 away at Hollywood FC. Tom Hardy is the latest A-Lister to rock up at The Racecourse. Meanwhile, we have the same problems with conceding goals. 

The GK situation needs addressing. So I bring in Myles Hogarth from Hearts.

It’s all about the Windscreen this season. 

It’s a nightmare start losing my captain and conceding after 2 minutes. But Shrewsbury also get a red card and we go on to win the game. Splendid.

That win means we just need a draw against Preston to go through. Jim Hamilton gets the only goal. 

Billy McKinlay is on the transfer list and should be better than what we’ve got. 

He has a good debut albeit against 9 men. Hopefully Blackpool have some suspensions as their our next opponents in the Windscreen.

It’s us who gets a sending off this time but Beetlejuice is back and we hang on for the win.

The draw is kind in the QF and Darlington are brushed aside with consummate ease, as Alan Hansen would say.

I’ve hate Wigan. Whenever I see their scores come up on Soccer Saturday and lose I have a little wry smile. The reason? I was driving up to Scotland and the motorway was closed and we had to be diverted through Wigan. It took 2 hours to travel less than 5 miles before we could rejoin the motorway. That was 15 years ago. Still haunts me. Now I know that is nothing to do with the football club or it wasn’t the town of Wigan’s fault and we should have all been grateful that Wigan let us borrow their single lane road. And I’m sure everyone in Wigan are really nice people. But that’s the good thing about football. You don’t have to be rational. You can hate a player or a club for no reason if you want to. Yeah, so fuck Wigan.

Beetlejuice does the business and we’re out of there before the traffic builds back up again. 

Gazza! Now this is a bit of a coup. He’ll go straight in the team and on set pieces. 

Area final against Carlisle. Tense affair and we manage to claw ourselves a draw in the first leg. We’ll need to score at Brunton Park.

And score we do. Five times!

We’re going to Wembley. And we will face the Japanese. Shit.

More center backs.

And another Rangers player. Ian Furguson will come in handy because, surprise surprise, Gazza is injured for a couple of months.

It’s Windscreen final time. Do or die. This is how we line up. Barry Furguson and his dad are in the hole.

This is what we’re up against. Fuck, that’s a strong midfield.

It’s a tough game as expected. Daddy cool gives us an early lead and the Japanese proceed to pepper our goal for the remainder of the half. Young gets a deserved equaliser. Little Brat Furguson is having a poor game and is replaced by Liddell. Andy Liddell goes through one-on-one. Red and Orange starts flashing on my screen. And we hold on!

No surprises Hogarth getting MOM, he’s been a great signing.

The Windscreen Sheild is taken straight to the nearest blast furnace in Scotland. 

And we’re smelting.

That’s ingredient 1 of 4 for William Wallace’s sword.

The league is won at a canter. We’ll be eyeing promotion to the Premier League and the two other cups next season. 

Join us next week as Sword Quest continues!