Welcome back to Scotland, where my Aberdeen side are just starting to put cats amongst pigeons. Not big cats, but they are sizeable enough to have the Old Firm worried. Maybe not Rangers, but Celtic were so scared they sack Wim Jansen and brought in Mark McGhee. Walter Smith remains unmoved. But it’s January 1998, and another harsh Scottish winter is upon us. Phil Mulryne celebrates with a very late equaliser against Dundee Utd

Last time out you may remember Darren Young was starting to get itchy feet. We can get him a powder for that but instead he asks politely to leave. The youth of today.

I remind him that he’s going nowhere, and that’s the bottom line because Dave Black says so. The wrestling gags may continue (I’m aware they are from a different era but I’m sticking to the material, ok?)

Meanwhile the smack is layed down at Celtic Park

But as Celtic hit rock bottom, suffering a late calamity at the hands of Jonathan Gould(ust), this is the first sign that we’re a real threat now. Sean Devine is good but Brian O’Neil, whoever he is, is Mr Perfect

I often feel you get into an absolute peak zone with this game, where you can do no wrong – even going 1-0 down to Hearts just seems to spur us on to score 4 goals in 7 minutes after a lovely half time cuddle revitalises my team.

Well, would you look at that…

There’s 12 games to go and we’re in the driving seat. Unprecedented scenes at Pittodrie.

Celtic push the boat out to bring Jay-Jay to Celtic Park. I hope he likes being midtable in the SPL.

Meanwhile we’ve got a date with their good friends Rangers. This will be a true test of our current form

I bet Marco Negri regrets missing that pen. That seemed to shock us into life and we went bananas with three goals in 10 minutes. We’re unstoppable.

I don’t think so Blackburn.

Pleasingly I am able to reject it despite him having the dread big club release clause. Take that, Blackburn’s beliefs.

Seeing as we’re doing quite well, I decide to treat myself to something new and rapid. Not a car, but the next best thing

He’d made literally no appearances for Dalglish at Newcastle and at £925k, he’ll be a huge asset. Other than the fact that he keeps sneaking off to gamble, he’s a walking assist. Except he doesn’t walk, he bloody sprints. He’s a difference maker.

We’re even still in the cup, which hasn’t been that difficult in all truth

It’s Rangers in the semis. Unfortunately we lose Ricky Gillies, who joins Lauchlan and Billy Mac on the “might be put down” table we keep around these parts. Why are all these young midfielders being maimed?

So with 27 played, and just 9 games to go, we’ve opened up an 8 point lead!

Nothing can stop us now, it’s like that bit in every Bond film where it’s apparent he’s going to win. We’re Roger Moore, we’re Sean Connery…

We’re George Lazenby.

With the dreaded big club release clauses in play, I can’t reject the offers. Still, I’ll try and make the best out of it and get Seb Rozenthal in exchange. It’s deadline day afterall

I hate you Sean.

Hopefully Mainwaring goes there too, I can’t stand to look at his stupid face

You little shite.

Still, it’s not like we’re losing much

Don’t panic. At times like this, I like to turn to our lord and saviour, the big JC. He’ll know what to do

But no striker can be signed at such short notice and we’re doomed to go to the end of the season with young Martin leading the line. Tomlinson can move from AM to upfront I guess – it’s a good job I signed Gillespie.

I could always switch to the 4-2-3-1 that we covered over the summer, but the other formation has done so well, it’d be silly to change it up now. Wouldn’t it?

Not sure. Gillespie is injured for the visit of Dundee Utd in the first game since the great departure, hence John Ritchie finding himself selected.

I know I said I’d do the rest of the season in this update but I’m at 700 words and I need to have a lie down to compensate for the loss of those two jerks. They had the chance to be part of something special and instead they’ve ditched us so close to the finishing line. I’ll show you, you’ll see!

See you next week for the finale, I think we might have done enough already but who knows. We’ve still got to go to Rangers, but you know, to be the man, you’ve got to beat the man. Woo. I’ll try and cut out the wrestling jokes next week, I can already feel your collective eyes rolling. If you smell what I’m cooking…

My new book ‘The World According to CM01/02‘ is available now on Amazon in paperback and on kindle