It’s new series time! After the success of the Newcastle United short story (which went on longer than planned) I threw it over to you lot to decide what our new short story would be:

Next short term save? Max a couple of seasons

— Dave Black (@cm9798) 19 September 2018

 

To Germany! But first, why Kaiserslautern?

Kaiserslautern were relegated from the German Bundesliga in the 1995/96 season. Under the guidance of former Bayern Munich manager Otto Rehhagel, they were promoted back at the first attempt. Remarkably though they went on to win the Bundesliga, pipping Bayern Munich to the title – the first side to ever win the Bundesliga title as a newly promoted team.

Somehow, I have to try and replicate that.

Obviously nothing much was expected of Kaiserslautern so their squad on CM9798 is not equipped to win the league. Real life top scorer Olaf Marschall for example isn’t bad but can he match his 21 league goals?

I guess we’ll see. The squad is full of injuries and a young Michael Ballack. Big fan of Ratinho though. As a name, at least.

There’s £3m in the bank and I don’t want to buy the usual suspects, so I’ve spent £2.4m on Laurent Robert because everyone knows his name. I’ve also never bought him on CM9798 so what a time we’ll have. Alex Notman has joined on loan, but he’s only 16 so it’s merely a squad depth exercise.

Wagner is in the Germany squad and wants to move to a bigger club. There’s nothing worse than having somebody complain at you all season so I’ve moved to cover off his exit. Incidentally we’ve made £3m in season ticket sales, so that’s something. Both come highly rated, even if their stats disagree with that.

The biggest problem is the Non-EU rules. The game says I’m allowed three but how old Otto managed it in real life I have no idea. Some EU passports I suspect. Kuka is the odd man out to begin with as Ratinho, Kadlec and Sforza are deemed more important.

We’re 1-0 down after 3 minutes. 2-0 down after 20. Great start. But there are signs of life and Marschall has us level before half time. I may grow to love him. He pops up with a late winner and he’s already a seventh of the way towards his real total.

Notman has torn a hamstring. At 16. Wow. Didn’t they teach him how to warm up in PE?

PSG and Bayern Munich bid for Wagner. Hmm. I’ve prepared for this. I don’t want their money but I will take some of their cast offs in exchange.

Before any of that can transpire though it’s Duisburg away in the cup. A match so important it’s scheduled the same day as a Czech Republic game which costs us three players though only Kadlec plays anyway. Robert starts up front with Riedl in to the left AM position. Marschall nets two more and the two afforementioned lads get on the scoresheet and we’ll see round 2.

Duisburg are a Bundesliga side, so maybe we’re not so bad. Hertha Berlin in round 2 – who have Bryan Roy, by the way.

It’s Kalrsuhe away in the league. They’ve oddly just bid for 36 year old Andreas Brehme but they have Sean Dundee and Thomas Hassler, which doesn’t bode well for us. Naturally both score but their keeper gets man of the match. It’s a heavy defeat though.

I think this is ok for us…?

Fink will play the DM role whilst Dreher is a better goalkeeper than we currently have. Dreher makes his debut away to Schalke whilst Fink is injured for a few weeks. Jens Lehmann keeps us out for an hour but Sforza eventually equalises. A good point.

Every team in the Bundesliga has one icon of the game, it’s actually incredible. A bit like the MLS a few years ago where every team had at least one player who had played in the English Leagues. Hamburg, armed with Thomas Gravesen, lead twice before Marschall nets twice to nick a point. We’re a weird team.

We beat Duisburg in the cup and are tasked with doing it again in the league. It’s a topsy turvy game but Marschall has the last word. He is good you know.

Larry Bob settles our meeting with Wolfsburg. Their DBP (designed banter player) is Claudio Reyna if you were wondering.

Hertha Berlin (Bryan Roy AND Gabor Kiraly) are next in the cup and we’ve all of a sudden become very, very dull. Larry Bob, 1-0. Again. No extra points for style.

That’s two Bundesliga sides in a row so surely we’re due some luck in round 3.

Sigh.

Bielefeld’s best known player scores twice in the opening 13 minutes to leave the Fritz Walter with all three points. That looks like a bad result but they are absolutely flying.

I really don’t fancy us at Bayern but the most ruthless goalscorer in football history gives us the lead…only for us to lose after a second half collapse.

There’s no shame in that but the board are less than satisfied. Does the term newly promoted mean nothing to the German people?

Steffen Effenberg and Borussia MGB (don’t make me type it out) are the last opponents of the update. Olaf is mad. I’m a little vexed but you’ve seen nothing like Olaf. He runs to the final seconds so he can secure his hat-trick and keeps the board off my back ahead of the International break.

Incidentally, Passlack translates from German to English as “Pulis”.

All of that leaves us 6th after just 9 games. They only play 34 in a German season and I don’t have any European commitments so it’ll be a solid three parter.

Marschall is well on the way to matching his 21. It’s the defence letting us down at the moment.

After just 9 games, the answer to “can Dave win the Bundesliga with Kaiserslautern?” is probably not. But it’s a long season and Bielefeld surely won’t keep this up. Join me next week to see what happens next.