CM9798 Academy – Part 16: Football’s Coming Home

Welcome back! The CM9798 Academy went through a rough spell in the last update, dropping into the relegation dog fight after a reasonable start to Premier League life. A couple of wins against relegation rivals has kept us doggy paddling towards safety, but as we enter the final sprint can we keep our noses in front?

PL bottom Feb S5

15 games to go then and we’re out of all cups, so no distractions. A win against 19th placed Forest looks a necessity and thanks to an early red card, it’s a walk in the park. Or forest, I guess.

4-1 forest

Now this is stupid. You had the chance to go and you said no. Now you want to leave? Quit playing games with my heart.

hussin wants out

A trip to West Ham starts well, as it so often does. However we ship 4, something else which happens too often and it’s a defeat. Sigh.

4-2 west ham

Sheff Utd are in for Hussin. Once again though he turns them down. Presumably he spoke to Dr Death who has barely had a kick for them.

Hussin rejects again

Just in case he does leave I’ve signed up Vito as cover. He’s canny.

Colomba signs

Man Utd are our next visitors and guess what?

1-4 man utd

4 shipped again. Those famous pals Shearer and Keane and the lesser spotted Michael Owen. Our seasons will not be won and lost in matches like this.

Dane Olney departs. He was crap.

pompey sign olney

Spurs away and despite an early setback we’re all set to go in 2-1 up at half time. Then that little turncoat Chris Woodcock scores and then repeats his act of treachery in the second half. Scum, sub human scum.

Spurs 3-2

Sheff Wed are in town and thankfully we are better. Billing just keeps going and McBride is getting better by the game. Not even Mark Pembridge can ruin my day.

2-1 sheff wed

Oh look it’s Sheff Utd in for that centre half I signed in the last update. Sigh. West Ham also lodge a bid.

mcconnell to sheff utd

McConnell in!

mcconnell rejects

Off to the toon and remember they are the reigning champions. We are soundly beaten but we only concede two which for us is like a win.

nufc 2-0

Another departure and now this time it’s Cambiasso. I always have high hopes for him and he never delivers for me, bit weird that 3rd Division Barnet were the other club in for him. He’s also not an Argentine International but that’s not the point.

cambiasso to hull

An entertaining game against Blackburn sees Billing score at both ends, Dion Dublin also put through his own goal before we run out winners to edge ever closer to safety.

4-2 home blackburn

Blackburn celebrate by bidding for McConnell. He rejects them, too.

blackburn in for mcconnell

Liverpool away is never easy but we twice take the lead before being pegged back twice. It’s soon 4-2 to us and with 5 minutes left, safety is looking almost guaranteed. Then Ayew completes his hat trick on 85 and Fowler equalises on 87 and I question why I bother.

4-4 liverpool

I’ve just noticed East Fife are in the Cup Winners Cup semis. They’re in Scottish Division 1 so…wow.


They won’t be in much longer.

Cambiasso is back with Hull and he injures the man who kept him out of the team “by accident.” I don’t believe him. Gowshall gets an early red but the lads have far too much for Hull and they are swept aside. Cambiasso is hauled off after an hour to compelte a satisfactory day.

4-1 hull home

Derby you will recall are going for the old “no more than one goal a game” strategy and sit high up in the league table. But they don’t have to face Gareth Billing most weeks…

derby 1 - 4

Shove it up ya. That’s 40 points and I think we’re going to be ok.

Earlier in the season we shared a 9 goal thriller with Leeds and in the words of Shirley Bassey, it’s JUST A LITTLE BIT OF HISTORY REPEATING.

Leeds 5-4

Sean Devine has 7 goals against us this season. That’s ridiculous.

What’s more ridiculous is that Aston Villa are on the verge of being champions. We help them along the way with a meak surrender.

0-3 villa

A point at Man City helps us stop the rot and should ensure we stay up. Rock me Amadeus.

City 1-1

I like to think I’ve seen just about everything on this game but I have never seen three goals in the same minute. Two, yes. But three? That’s insane. And we won. Rock me etc.

4-3 arsenal

We finish the season with a thrashing at the hands of Sheff Utd. Who cares? We’re staying up!

sheff utd 4-1

We actually finished 14th. Never in doubt. 80 scored and 89 conceded is just stupid.

PL top final

We outscored the whole division. Oh and Villa are champions. I’m not sure I like this.

PL top 8 final

Billing finishes with 30 goals, I’m pelased there hasn’t been much interest in him. Obviously goal scoring wasn’t our problem.

goals final

It’s not like the averages are terrible. Sure, the wingbacks are taking a hammering but the centre halves performed above 7 which is all you can expect really.

final averages S5

Just when you think you’ve seen it all…

World CUp final


What next for the Academy? No doubt there will be more graduations this summer but how do you take a team of young freebies up the table if they keep departing? The short answer is that you probably won’t, but we’ll have a damn good go of it…

…and there’ll be 5000 more scouts able to get in to see us.

new seats

Be sure to join me next week to see if we can possibly defend any worse. On the bright side, I’ve launched bids for the re-gens of Gazza and Dion Dublin. Now there’s a thought…





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