Everything’s Coming up Mulhouse – Part 10

Hello/Bonjour/Good day! Welcome to the final update of season 3, where Mulhouse are closing in on securing European football in their first season in the top flight. Nobody likes us but the group of misfits we have seem to be doing just fine. Here’s where we pick up the madness, although we are out of both cups (damn you Strasbourg):

ligue 1 top end of Feb

Our home form has been pretty strong so Metz visiting us should be a good opportunity to extend our advantage. Instead it turns out to be a bit of a disaster of a day. Olivero remains our best player but also our most soon-to-be-out-of-contract player. I’ll miss him.

metz away S3

We’re behind at Auxerre and I’m starting to think our goose is cooked. Instead, a comeback ensues with four goals in 7 minutes for us…and one for them. And a red card. Rarely dull here. Vareille makes it 6-2 in stoppage time – game, set and match Milhouse.

auxerre 6-2

Le Havre get on my tits as well. They look set to stop us in our tracks but Vareille and Natigol eventually see them off. Phew.

4-2 le havre

We needed that as up next is our trip to PSG. The leaders are out of the traps quickly thanks to Giuly but we stir ourselves to not only equalise but take the lead. Giuly equalises on half time to put a pin in our dreams. We hang on in the second half and just as it looks like we’re going to take a point in Paris, Vareille skips onto a Nathan Blake through pass and rounds Revault to give us a famous win.

PSG away WIN

That puts Strasbourg top of the table which sickens me a little. Meanwhile, Marseille have signed Thierry Henry with devastating consequences.

marseille home

Grumble. A draw away at 7th place Guingamp keeps us 6th but two players down as we lose young Trez and talented Vareille.

Guingamp away S3

2-0 down to Lyon and the Stadium of Disease is restless. Thankfully Olviero and Natigol drag us back into it to escape with a point.

Lyon 2-2

12 days later and it’s a role reversal. 2-0 up, 2-2 draw. Nancy are second bottom so this is not a good result.

Nancy 2-2

Bordeaux get relegated from Ligue 2, out of the football league. Wow. We thrash Troyes to regain some composure.

4-0 Troyes

Caen away is brutal. The first half they have 20 shots to our 2, I don’t think I’ve ever seen such dominance. We’re lucky it’s only 2-0 but some half time adjustments allow us to come back in style to win. A massive relief and back into 5th.

Caen away S3

That’s followed up by a home win over Red Star, where even Nathan Blake scores.

3-1 red star

Such is the incompetence of the French FA, our season will finish 4 days after most teams when we host Monaco. They’re 6th, so the winners will finish 5th and be in the UEFA Cup. The losers will get nothing.

1 game to go S3

Natigol doesn’t want to have nothing. His 26th, 27th and 28th goals of the season set up a big win. The future, Trezeguet, scores the 4th whilst Pennyfather, who has been utterly terrible recently, climbs off the bench to make it 5. It might be his last kick in professional football, which is ironic as he was involved in the first ever game of football.

5-1 monaco

Let’s see those final standings, where PSG powered away to win the title despite losing to us.

Ligue 1 final S3

We were only three points away from a Champions League spot…assuming 2nd place gets Champions League football here. I should probably look into that. I got £320k for finishing 5th, not that money is a big thing for us as nobody wants to play for us anyway. Besides, our board decided to spend every single penny we have on 5000 more seats. So thoughtful.


As I contemplate a season with Nathan Blake leading the line, here are some awards. He didn’t win any.

Awards S3

Pennyfather didn’t retire either, so he can enjoy the UEFA Cup next season. For those wondering, Spain won Euro 2000.

pennyfather career

It’s going to be an awful summer. Our best player won’t sign a new contract and will leave imminently. Several others want to join a bigger club. We have no money to spend. Nobody wants to sign for us. Season 4 may be the toughest yet – see you next Thursday.

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