Here we go again then. The Retirement Home took us to dark places but it all worked out in the end. How do you top that? It’s easily the most popular save I’ve ever done and clearly, we had to pull out all the stops to keep you, the loyal readers, interested.

Simple, really. We take the second most popular idea and merge them together. The CM9798 Academy meets the CM9798 Retirement Home. Ike Mashley is back in business, he’s got a new club and he wants results.

Of course I’ve had to throw some curveballs in so how about this: We’re based in Holland. Ike has had enough of Ajax in particular. Their model of bringing talented players through their academy and selling them on for huge profits (after winning stuff domestically and sometimes in Europe) makes him angry but a little turned on. Ike has set up the Retirement Academy with the aim of making money but also overthrowing the Dutch giants. The rules are simple:

• Sign players under 21 for free. All offers for these players must be accepted.
• Sign players over 35 to tutor them. No expense spared on these men.
• The first 11 should be made up of 5 young and 5 old lads. The goalkeeper can be either, Ike understands you can’t mess around there.
• Win the Dutch League and if possible, European success.
• Ike is also looking at buying a club in Spain, he doesn’t like Barcelona & Real Madrid either…

So there you go then. The game is afoot. If we get the job done quickly in Holland (doubtful, but you never know) I’ll take over a club in Spain and do the same thing but without the customised branding.

First thing to note is that there’s only two tiers in Holland. I’ve told all the old lads it’s a pub league and they’ve come in their droves. I’ll explain what that really means later.

Here’s the squad:

All of these players were signed, but I wasn’t willing to spam the opening blog post with all the signed pictures. Obviously, I have high hopes for the Micker but whilst he is always a hit in Division 3, the Dutch Toto Divisie is a different kettle of fish. We will however bless the rains down in Africa.

The most expensive signing is Bulgarian International Nasko Sirakov. You might remember him from being part of the Bulgaria team that finished 4th at the 94 World Cup and scoring against Argentina in the process. Worryingly, Wikipedia tells me he managed Slavia Sofia in 1997 so my replacement is here if things go wrong.

Hennie Meijer has a Holland cap, which seems to account for his entire £100k transfer fee. I don’t want to make you think all I’ve done is read Wikipedia but he scored the first ever J League goal in 1993. His only Dutch cap came in 1987, so a recall is unlikely.

We also spent £96k on Dave Beasant, who we all know and love, but my knowledge of David Wilkes from Carlisle is less good. He costs £29k and plays all down the left. I can only assume he is the Dad of much loved entertainer Jonathan.

The likes of Twiss, Betterton, Lyttle, Norfolk and Strong all return from the Academy days and you better believe I have a load of Kox and Gynn jokes lined up. We’ll meet more of the squad in the coming weeks I’m sure.

Now I’ve told a little white lie, in that the calendar in Holland is insane and you play your first two league games nearly a month apart as the group stages of the Amstel Cup happen. The squad was built during this time so we didn’t have the entire squad available throughout August, but that was the squad we had by the time the second league game came around on September 10th.

So let’s go back to the beginning of August and our inaugural game where we line up like this for the trip to Huizen.

The early signs are that we can’t defend. Nothing new there then. The Micker gets the winner, which will hopefully be a common theme. Perhaps worryingly, today’s opponents are non-league and they gave us a scare.

Anyway, the main business is our first league game against Helmond Sport. Michael Twiss is a real handful and nets a hat-trick so give us a winning start. We won’t play another league game for quite some time.

It’s 5 consecutive Amstel Cup matches, a hell of a drawn out affair. Our group actually includes two non-league sides and a fellow 2nd tier team, so we should qualify. We put 7 past HSC including another hat-trick for Twissy.

Veendam are the other league side in the group and have players who sound like they’re from PES in the 90s when they had no licenses. We fall 3-0 behind, which is bad, but we come back to draw 3-3, which is good.

We get to play them all again which I’ve grouped together here and we’ll discuss afterwards.

So the good news is…Kerry Dixon has still got it. He showed that non-league Dutch side who’s boss. I can’t deny losing to Veendam so convincingly has me worried, that’s our weekly standard opponent. Haarlem heat can’t handle Booker Twiss so all in all, we’re through in second place.

Finally, it’s back to the league and a trip to Dordrecht ’90, named after George Michael’s re-release of Freedom ’90. Jimmy Summerville guests on vocal but that deadly duo of Quinn and Dixon have reunited again and Sirakov shows his class as experience leads the way.

I realised if I added one more youth to the squad we have 2 (one old, one young) for every position. Amazingly Andrew Duncan is still available and he always does a job.

Once again we find ourselves 3-0 down, this time at home to AZ. They have Brian “The Beast” Jensen in goal but Kerry Dixon scores twice in two minutes before Mick “The Beast” Quinn makes it 3-3. Duncan heads in the winner on his debut. I’m off to sign somebody called PJ.

It’s a humbling in Heracles. We did level briefly but we’re well beaten in the end. It might be an up and down sort of season.

TOP Oss, or Toss for short, are the latest to turn up to De Bungalow with a lack of care for our needs. Twice we go behind, twice we level via the Micker before Twiss looks to have won it late on. Half the lads are already in the communal bath before, not for the first time, a Kox own goal puts a halt to proceedings.

We get soundly beaten by Zwolle. I don’t mind as much when the names are funny. Sinkgraven and Booy inflict late blows to make it worse than it probably needed to be.

We love conceding first, it’s a bit annoying. This time Betterton drops one in his own goal but the Micker does what the Micker does best before Twiss, sweet innocent Twiss wins us the game late on.

Is Cambuur a type of cheese? The hilariously named Smak scores an OG to equalise (yep, behind again) before Twiss gives us the lead and the Micker does what he does best and scores twice in a minute. He orders the Micker special for the way home – two pizzas.

I think it’s for the best we leave it there for now. We’re 3rd, somehow. This is new territory for me, I have never managed in the Dutch 2nd tier to my knowledge and already it seems imperative to not finish in the playoffs as that seems a complicated affair. I swear Telstar is a phone company.

The first update of a new save is always a tricky one. There’s a lot to get through but hopefully I have captured your interest enough to see you back here next week for more insanity. Goodbye for now!