What’s your Beath? Part 16: Black’s Seven

Good day to you. We’re back for another shot, another season, another desperate attempt to claw our way into Europe’s elite. That’s right, I don’t even harbour ambitions of winning the Scottish Premier Division, just simply finishing above one of Rangers or Celtic will do me. Rangers won the Champions League though, so does that open an opportunity for a back door entrance to the pot of gold that is Wednesday night football?

No. No it doesn’t. We’ll have to win the Cup Winners Cup again, I guess.

Oh yeah and we get to play Rangers an extra two times for the fun.

What won’t help is Paul McKimmie will be off. Damn clause.

£1.1m is fine, nobody really wants to join us anyway but we’ll find somebody.

Benfica are in for Weah junior. This fella is on the exchange valued at £93k, his skills seem reasonable.

Imagine how few players will join us for £6.4m

Ahhh he says no. Good. We love Weah Junior.

Wes Brown will do. £450k, strength, tackling, positioning…just don’t make him run.

You couldn’t make this up. Another clash with Rangers, so that’ll be 7 times this season. At least.

Make it stop. Another big club release clause activated. Liverpool start the bidding but they’re not the last.

He opts for Man Utd. £3.9m will go a long way.

£81k on big Bessa. Now we’re talking.

The season gets underway with a comfortable win over Hibs. That’s a good start.

Billy Mac! An old favourite joins for a fraction of the price.

Out of the cup we go, despite briefly being level.

Then 6 days later we go through it all again in the league. Gahhhhh

£1.5m buys you Hartlepool’s finest. He looks reasonable.

We manage to pinch a draw at newly promoted Alloa. This is not vintage.

Much better here at home to Motherwell. Dale plays his good match

Time for Europe! We welcome Croatia’s finest and they give us a tough game until that man Dale is the hero again. I did heavily rotate the squad (Weah Junior isn’t allowed to rest whilst he wants to move to a bigger club, that’s just the rules around here) but we had to dig deep.

No such worries at Tannadice, a once tricky place to go is considerably less so in their current plight.

Raith are having a good season and have held Celtic already. They are hard to beat and eventually shoot themselves in the foot under intense pressure.

Passports out for Croatia and an entirely changed 11 grab the vital away goal through Micker Junior. Ruddock Junior is sent off, probably for slapping his balls off the referee or something, but we do enough to progress. But where will we visit next?

Brugge! The bad news here is for some reason I loaded Belgium as a league and therefore they’re in quite good nick squad wise. It’ll be tough.

Firhill is an awful place to go, mainly because they have the two Bulgarian brute’s up front in a 4-3-3 and you’re always likely to concede. Neither of them score here but two other jabroni’s do and we have to go through stern words at half time. “Just give it to George Weah Junior, ffs” is the gist and we rescue a point.

Celtic injure one of our more talented lads after a minute and it’s downhill from there really. 5-3 is respectable at least and there’s an added bonus of injuring Rio Ferdinand, but once again we lose ground.

Tynecastle is the venue where today’s story ends. They’ve always been a nuisance team but they aren’t quite nuisance enough to claw back a late lead. Good.

We’ve played everybody once and the table has a familiar feel. We’ve outscored everybody but also conceded too many and find ourselves well adrift. I also said Raith were having a good season, which apparently amounts to scoring four league goals.

What does it all mean? Well, we’ve got to find a way to improve. Again. There’s 27 games to go so it’s all to play for. Next update we’ll also play Rangers for the European Super Cup, if that doesn’t make you run back here at 11am next Sunday next week then nothing will. See you then.

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