There’s so much going on in today’s update I don’t know where to start. I mean, I do, I’ll start with the pointless Cup as always but humour me for a moment. We’ve got Newcastle’s battle for promotion, World Cup 2014 and an all English UEFA Cup final. Take a breath, calm yourself and read on…

League Cup

Oh look we’ll start with the League Cup. I’ll even be polite and call it by its proper name. Who’s having a nice day out this year?

Ian Snodin! That’s who! Darren Huckerby tastes Wembley defeat but he’s got bigger problems to come. Everton though maintain an interest in the double

FA Cup

Semi final time first, Huckerby is here too. However it’s an old stager who grabs the headline

Roy Evans will take Palace to the final, where he’ll face Alvin Martin’s Wolves. Bryan Robson continues to be a nearly man.

The final then, Evans or Martin? Urgh.

It’s 0-0 first time around, which I bet was a thriller. The replay is a more chipper affair though, and Roy Evans won. So isn’t that nice for Roy. Weirdly, it’s Palace’s 3rd FA Cup win of this game.

Champions League

Moving on to the Champions League, the last 4 is just all over the place

Bologna win the battle of Italy whilst PSG knock out Ajax. It means we will have a first time winner

Bologna it is! Milan win the Cup Winners Cup too, so it’s great times to be Italian. The UEFA Cup is a different story though

Matt Le Tissier has been in charge of Arsenal for 11 years but this is his first trophy – and to think he got Arsenal relegated in 04. Can he add the league to his CV though?

Premier League

With one game to go, it’s Arsenal’s to lose

Ian Snodin’s Everton are the only team that can stop them, with both guaranteed to take the Champions League places. At the bottom, Huckerby has taken West Ham down and Norwich are long gone (sorry again lads). Chelsea, Wimbledon or Sheff Wed will join them – Unsworth hasn’t really had much of an impact at Sheff Wed, despite them having a great side.

The results are in..

Sheff Wed get out of jail free, and Wimbledon are gone. Everton fail against Haslam’s Blackburn so the title is Arsenal’s regardless, but they win to condemn Wimbledon at the same time as they win the league. Le Tissier, what a guy.

Final table for prosperity

Ok, ok, Wolves have to play Palace the following day and I forgot to screenshot the table but I can tell you they drew and finished 6th.

It’s curtains for Wimbledon though, so much for 40 points being a safety mark.

Before I go on to my promotion campaign, look who is back in work!

What’s odd here is that Rotherham were relegatedo ut of the football league in 1999, so have only just come back now. They’ve got no real players (except Beardsley now) but I’m surprised Beardsley has had to drop down this far, he was only in the Premier League last season. He is, however, still playing aged 53.

Division 1

With one game to go, we’ve got a tricky looking home fixture with Charlton where we’ve got it all to play for.

Remarkably, we win and finish 4th to secure a playoff place

Bristol Rovers are our first problem

We just about slip past them, on to a final meeting with QPR. Ian Holloway has been QPR’s managed since 2002, it’s an update for the long time servants.

Anyway, unlucky Ian. WE’RE GOING UP!

I’m obviously delighted but can’t help but feel we will get destroyed in the Premier League. The average ratings weren’t exactly great

Oh well, future Dave’s problem. Right now, it’s World Cup 2014! In Germany…not Brazil

World Cup

Wilkommen! Marcello Lippi has picked the following squad

Hardly a household name in the squad. I had Sansome at Darlington, and Neil Finn is sitll knocking around. Sevilla goalkeeper Jepson is still a hero it seems, whilst Colin Young went from my back up keeper at Darlington to AC Milan’s number 1. Sometimes, I want to smash my head off the desk.

Anyway, Lippi has added some Italian style to this team. By that, I of course mean they are dull but effective.

Timmy! The Portugese are too strong though

It would be a great shame if England went out in the groups. Now that is sarcasm. As it is, a draw will see England through, and Timmy comes up trumps again.

Whilst the last 16 beckons for England, another Englishman is out of luck

Oh, Gerry. I think the Spain job is a step too far for your beauitful mullet. Here’s the group tables for your perusal.

Hosts Germany are also out, meaning both 2010 finalists are gone. Denmark are also quite high profile absentees after their success in the European Championships a while back.

The last 16 has kept a lot of the favourites apart, which bodes well for later in the tournament. Brazil vs Italy is the blockbuster fixture.

Lippi re-discovers that winning habit, it’s another gung ho performance

No such luck for Scotland, they’re out in tough circumstances

Brazil find themselves 3-0 down inside 10 minutes. Van Gaal was good as Barcelona manager, but he seems to be bloody brilliant as Italy boss.

What’s going on here?

The Moo brothers at the back there getting the job done. Good lads.

The last 8 line up is a mix, with England vs Holland an attractive prospect on paper but now that England have been Italianed, I’m not so sure

Oh well

Foeke indeed. The semi finals are as you would expect, with Holland getting the better of Argentina. Good old Jaliens.

Whilst LVG continues his great form

So it’ll be Dutch vs Dutch in the final. The German hosts will be pleased. First though, who’s third?

Portugal edged that then. Let’s get to the main event – Dutchman Loius van Gaal leads his Italy side against Holland. Conflict of interest?

Jaliens! The former Ronald de Boer does it again. Don’t forget who signed you.

Only 4 years later than scheduled, I bet 2018 isn’t in Russia though!

So we’ll look forward to that. Lippi will be 70 by then, just retire please.

Some awards to finish this epic update off

Magic. Well done Matt le Tissier.

Kieron Dyer has retired, fortunately I saw that coming and screenshotted him before his hung his boots up.

122 caps is close to a record. A favourite of mine retires

Internationally renowned gaffer Brian Flynn also calls it

I’ll never understand how that happened. Anyway, the good news is that Peter Beardsley has decided to carry on. As it stands, he is the only player on Rotherham’s books, and he is the player manager. We’re all rooting for you Pedro!

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