Hello and welcome back to the Retirement Home! It’s been a little while since I waved goodbye to you all in 2019 so here’s a reminder of where we rejoin the story. We are trying to recover from relegation from Division 1 and have so far made an inauspicious start to life back in Division 2.

How will our 5th season play out?

What better way to start the update than a game against Ray Wilkins’ Birmingham. He’s still their player-manager despite being in his mid 40s. Drinkell looks like he has stole us the points but Peter Ndlovu equalises two minutes from time to keep us waiting for that win.

A trip to the south coast against winless Bournemouth might be a chance for us to get our season going. Instead, we battle for 65 minutes and then turn into lunatics. Four goals in 12 minutes rather emphatically ends our hopes.

Bristol City have made a better start and I’m fearing the worst when we go behind after 21 minutes, only for Cascarino to equalise a minute later. We’re just finding our range…

Whatever it is we’re looking for, it can’t be found at Vale Park. A tame surrender leaves us in the relegation zone.

Finally! Cascarino and Ratkovic have us 2-0 up inside 15 minutes and poor Oldham will be our first victims. Or not. A goal just before half time terrifies the life out of us and we obviously lose 3-2. We might never win. Ever.

The League Cup, which normally I’d discard, might at least bring us some money in. A 0-0 draw in Cumbria means we might get some fans in for the return leg.

Mind you, just over 4,000 turn up to watch us pick up our first three points of the season. It’s 22nd September. Ratboy scores the only goal and Snodin gets sent off. A win is a win…

Can we make it two wins in a week? Pani does equalise at Brighton but it just makes the Seagulls mad. They peck away at us like loose chips on the beach and we end up losing 4-2. At least we’re scoring?

We’re behind again at Wigan 3 days later but Casc equalises and when the hosts go down to 10, we’re like a shark that smells blood – if that shark is blind and toothless. We do push for a winner but it doesn’t materialise.

That league cup return does see the gate double but we’re 2-0 down inside 26 minutes. A stirring comeback sees us level on 66 minutes but just as I’m preparing for a big 20 minutes, Pflipsen scores to knock the stuffing out of us. He’s far too good for Division 2.

We get royally buggered in Preston. Alan Knill’s red card at 3-0 down seems an unnecessary pain in the arse and Culverhouse makes it 4 – no, not that one Max Rushden.

I mentioned I had a new signing lined up and the day has finally come where he can sign – well, in 3 days he can. His stats are weird. He is basically a target man who can tackle but don’t ask him to dribble…or shoot. I don’t know. What I do know is that I’m down on my knees, I’m begging him please…to come home.

He’s not 35 until the day after the Barnet game and we lose to a Danny De Vito double. Urgh.

The Romanian big Dunc does debut at home to Blackpool and I’ve decided now is the time to go back to “the” formation. Something about it being better to die on your feet than live on your knees – especially when you see the state of some of the knees on these lads. Anyway, as if to encapsulate that theory, we beat Blackpool 5-4. Cascarino scores a four minute hat-trick and we nearly let a 5-1 lead slip.

He might be shaking my confidence daily but Ceausila nets a double at Scunthorpe which earns us a point in the Windscreen Shield. It all counts.

Carlisle are running away at the top of the table and they demolish us 4-0. I’m a bit sick of playing them.

We could do with our luck changing and a spirited performance at Colchester us rewarded when Maurice Malpas rams home from a corner to give us all three points. A clean sheet, a win and a night out in Essex for the old boys.

We’ll finish this update with a visit from our old rivals Bristol Rovers. We’re soon 2-0 down and when Chamberlain pulls one back, I’m hopeful of a famous comeback. No sooner have I had that thought has Dave Watson earned a red card for an elbow. Sigh. Mickey Evans punishes us.

We’re not very good. The debt is increasing by about £100k a month and stands at well over £2m. We’ll keep fighting with what we have and just hope it gets written off at some point. The priority is simply to stay up until then but even that looks a little tricky on the evidence so far.

The one hope is that Cecilia or whatever he’s called seems to have pepped up our attack. Cascarino has found his level and we’re scoring goals again. Keeping them out is quite another matter. See you next week!