Hello! Welcome to the finale of Season 7 of the Retirement Home. We’re in the box seat by the smallest of margins but when that box seat is one place outside of the relegation zone, my celebrations are muted. I’d like to stay in Division 1 and we if we can stop the season now, we might.

Some bad news starts us off – Ratboy’s work permit has expired. He’s been a noble steed since joining during our first crack at Division 1 and is granted a free transfer release where he is surprisingly snapped up immediately, albeit by Spartak Subotica in his native Yugoslavia.

The FA Cup has pitted us against league leaders Huddersfield. That goes really well.

Back to the every day grind of league football and our visit to Barnsley ends with yet another defeat. Hopefully not a sign of things to come.

Chris Hutchings is 46 but Northampton want to buy him. Like, actually spend money on him. Wonders never cease. He hasn’t played for me bar that injury crisis so away he goes.

A loss to relegation rivals Portsmouth is a serious concern. We’re in the bottom 3 now.

However we are immediately out of it. A rare good day in front of goal makes it a Valentine’s Day to remember, especially for Mick Quinn.

Defeat at Bolton is more like it.

Iain MacArthur is available, I don’t know who he is but he has 20 for heading. What’s not to enjoy?

Everton bludgeon us to death. Sigh.

John Barnes has been sacked! John Barnes is therefore available to sign! This is a very good day. Love’s got the world in motion.

His debut comes at bottom club Swindon, who are giving us a game until Letchkov and then Barnes take the game away from them. A great debut. The Micker fires a penalty over the bar, not for the first time. Maybe someone else should take them. Three points!

Peacock’s season is over.

Oh Dunga. Sadly he missed out on account of us having so many non-EU players but he played his part in getting us out of division 2.

A narrow defeat to Ipswich keeps us guessing.

Robert Jarni has been a hit since joining and things are looking up as he gives us the lead at Reading. We’re naturally soon 2-1 down but Quinn always has the answers and rescues a point. A lovely point.

Brian Tinnion is available for £48k. He’s actually even shitter than you might imagine but beggars can’t be choosers. Welcome.

He only has a watching brief as Quinn fires us ahead against Charlton. Barnesy is sent off despite having an aggression of 1. I don’t know why we bother.

Coventry run riot for 25 minutes then leave us to think about what we’ve done.

We lead against Carlisle and we’re actually very comfortable. Three points now would be great. Good things don’t often happen to this lot though and two goals in 6 minutes consign us to another defeat.

Easter is not a good time for old legs and two days later we lose to Stockport. CM nerds amongst you will recognise the goalscorer. “Woodg” is Mark Woodger, one of the head researchers. He has regen names added for different nations. Woodgev here is Bulgaria, whilst Woodgski appears in the Ukraine.

I’ll try and get Mark to admit to it one day.

Anyway, pointless trivia aside and we’re four games away from staying up. On goals scored.

Hull are 2nd in the table and we hold them for 80 long minutes. As ever though we’re always prone to a lapse and end up losing 2-0. Buggeration.

Bradford absolutely smash us to bits. Yes, that is Patrice Loko. He’s 35 next February and I for one can’t wait. Quinn misses another penalty.

Thankfully Portsmouth are equally terrible. Two games to go…

This home loss to Bristol Rovers is harrowing. We’re so poor. Even the fans are starting to stay away. Portsmouth lose again but Wrexham win, it’s a three horse race now.

Just two days to prepare ourselves and I click the dreaded view button. I want to know what we need to do ahead of our game, just call me Jimmy Hill.

Bristol Rovers do us a solid, so Pompey are down.

Alphabetically we play next. At 2-0 down I’ll be relying heavily on Wrexham losing at home but a crazy last 5 minutes bring ABSOLUTE SCENES when the unlikely figure of Cuaresma pulls one back before the Micker, lovely old reliable Micker equalises and that means unless Wrexham win and score 15, we’re safe. YES!

Wrexham lose anyway. Good.

Well whoop de doo. It is ironic that we outscored most of the teams around us despite playing 1 up front and 3 centre backs, but that’s what it takes apparently.

Barnes is immediately on to new business. I can’t refuse. Love might have the world in motion but contracts have clauses.

Here are the awards before the update. Golden boot for Jason Euell…

Remarkably, there’s only one retiree.

All I have to do now is go out and recruit some 35 year old’s who will fire us up the table. Quinn finished with 17 goals which is a reasonable return for a 42 year old but we have to find better players. It’s a real slog every season. Thankfully, there are some decent players available so I’ll be back next week with hopefully a whole new squad. See you there!