CM9798 Retirement Home – Part 28: So long, farewell

Good day! The Retirement Home are on for their highest ever league finish but could it be more than that? A strong end to the season could mean an outside chance of the playoffs. Whilst I don’t want to contemplate these old bones in the Premier League, you can never say never in this game. Although my back three have a combined age of 114, so…

Table Top January S9

One thing you can say about us is that we’ve been harder to beat this season. All it took was a goalkeeper with agility.

burnley away S9

Coventry however are terrible. We’re struggling to break them down but Mick Quinn sends a reminder that he isn’t done yet

coventry home S9

Slaven the pelvis. We may never see him again. I don’t know why we even bother training.

bilic done

Brentford are surprisingly poor. Letchkov breaks the deadlock and it’s easy from there. Crespo actually scores a penalty which makes him better than most of his colleagues.

brentford away s9

Dave Watson gets an early red card but we still take the lead against Walsall. We have to settle for a point which I guess keeps us in the top half mix.

walsall home S9

I promised if a bid came in he would be off. Stoke, despite being a division lower, seemingly have money to burn.

Fellenger bid

OH MY GOD IT HAPPENED! Sheff Wed released him. Yippeee! He wants £700 a week as well, bargain.


Toodles, many thanks for saving us last season.


Batistuta makes his debut in the unlikely surrounds of the Memorial Ground and he assists the winner when he heads a ball across for Mostovoi to give us the points.

bristol rovers away S9

Another one bites the dust. He’s unhappy and I can’t be bothered with his moaning.

Oberg leaves

Now, with Fellenger sold we have one carer (Weaver) and one 34 year old (Crespo, who will be 35 in June). So…technically, I can have one more under the limit and I choose you, Dwight Yorke. He’s 34 but will be 35 in December. Welcome aboard.

Yorke signs

The Non-EU count is a concern but we edge past Port Vale to move within striking distance of the top 6.

PV home S9

Palace are on course for automatic promotion and we very nearly take a point. I’m proud but sad.

palace away s9

Oh for crying out loud…

stimac out

We face top of the table Ipswich with a back three of Knill, Watson and Jaime. Somehow, we keep it tight. We should probably score but Batistuta isn’t all that good. 0-0 will do.

ipswich home S9

I take it back. Batistuta still has it, despite what I said earlier. Christian Dailly gets sent off at Brunton Park and Batigol takes full advantage. We’ve suffered a lot of pain in the North West but all it took was an International superstar for our fortune to turn.

carlisle away S9

Bloody hell, we’re starting to gel. Batistuta and Yorke are both on the scoresheet and we’re 4-0 up when Woodgev gets his traditional goal against us. Up to 7th…

stockport home S9

A 0-0 draw at Preston is uninspiring but it does move us into the playoffs. It’s getting exciting!

preston away S9

It is an absolute scrap though. We’re in by two goals with six games to go.

6 to go

A defeat to Nottingham Forest is a blow to our hopes. Baumgart indeed.

forest home s9

We’re 2-0 down at Craven Cottage when a remarkable minute sees us score twice. We go 3-2 down with 20 minutes to go but Dwight Yorke snatches a draw with 4 minutes left. We’re hanging on.

fulham away S9

Playoff rivals QPR are our next opponents and you feel a win is required to keep us in with a chance. Luckily, Batistuta strikes twice late on to earn us a big W.

qpr home s9

Tranmere take an early lead but all it does it strike us into action. Valery bends in a free kick and then they kindly score an own goal. Batistuta seals the points. It’s on!

tranmere away s9

A win over Bolton keeps us in the top 6, though the loss of Alan Knill is a problem.

bolton home S9

One game to go and I feel we should be better off than we are. We can’t finish lower than 8th though, so that’s something.

1 to go S9

All we have to do is beat Wimbledon at home and we’ll be fine. Then we’re 2-0 down after 31 minutes. ‘sakes. It’s never easy is it? Mostovoi pulls one back immediately and then Yorke equalises before half time. Can we find a winner? With the clock running down, young-old Dwight does just that. We’re in the playoffs!

wimbledon home S9

…and £475k richer.


West Ham in the playoffs won’t be a picnic. Stimac has recovered just in time.

final table S9

We take an early lead but it lasts one minute. We’ll have to win at Upton Park to get through.

west ham playoffs home

Father Phil goes off injured and Jaime gets a red card. 0-0 won’t be enough, we need a goal. Thankfully, we have one of the best strikers the 90s (and now 2006) has ever seen. His goal gives us the lead and the 10 men hold out. We’re going to Wembley!!!

west ham away s9

It’s a catch-22. If we go up, it’ll be incredible. We’ll lose heavily every week but what a story. Although if we do win, nobody wants to climb those Wembley steps. Anyway, that’s a debate for later. Dwight Yorke scores early on and, somehow, it remains that way for the next 85. HEROES. The lot of them.

playoff final S9

Goodbye, debt!


I love you Luke Weaver. How on earth are this lot going to survive in the Premier League?

S9 averages

Fellenger scored some goals…but with him out of the picture, Mostovoi ran away with the scorer gong. What a season.

S9 goals

Awards time and a very good season for the Cox brothers

Awards S9

I can’t wait for this set of lads to have a go in the Premier League. We’ve been through so much together this is going to be…wait, what? 14 of them you say?

Stimac retiresWatson retiresMolina Jaime retiresKnill retiresDolan retiresSouthak retiresLethckov retiresvalery retiresproctor retiresGaritano retiresJohansen retiresMalpas retireswaddle retiresquinn retires


Hold me. Every clicking of done brings worse news. Proctor and Malpas cost us actual money. The Micker was one of the original Division 3 heroes. Valery still had so much to give…and so young. This is awful. To add to my woes, Poyet and Songo’o have expired work permits. I don’t know how we move on from here.

What we need, is 5000 more seats. To watch nobody.

new seats

Well that was a roller coaster of emotion. All we need to do is sign about 10 over 35’s to have a squad. We do have Batistuta though. And Luke Weaver. He’s going to be a very busy man, especially as there’s only Bilic left of the centre halves and he has a broken pelvis. See you next week for our first action as a Premier League club!


7 thoughts on “CM9798 Retirement Home – Part 28: So long, farewell

  1. What a story. Really appreciate you keeping this save going. Cant wait to read the Premier League antics, good luck!!

  2. Great work but wow, brutal run of retirements 😮 Surprised that some of those didn’t hang up their boots many seasons ago! Anyway good luck rebuilding that lot!

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