Welcome back to the Retirement Home! After 9 long seasons, we’ve made it to the Premier League. How will our over 35s get on in the top tier? No fewer than 15 of them departed, so with a few spoilers, here’s the squad as the game finishes the July update…

A few much needed signings there. Let me explain…

Obviously 14 is not enough, and it’s effectively 12 as we can only play 4 of the 6 non-EU lads. Bring on the transfers…

First up, big Vik was available and is an obvious signing. I mean he has 114 caps for crying out loud.

Shaka is actually quite terrible but he fits the age criteria and the fact we have only one goalkeeper (and he’s a carer).

The squad is desperately light on numbers so I will have to lower the age range to 34, I think. He’ll be 35 during the season and that’s got to count for something. Welcome, Jens Svensson.

Pier will be 35 very soon and his stats aren’t that bad. All these lads are quite aggressive.

Another Swede is Jens Torneberg, who doesn’t fit the formation but beggars can’t be choosers. I say that a lot.

This man is old. He plays wing back. Welcome.

Mijatovic is great when the game starts but at 37 (and yet another non-EU) he’s another body if nothing rlse.

37 year old Italian with 20 injury proneness? Where do I sign?

Soon to be 34, Bernard Lambourde will do a job.

Txutxi is a silly name but he’s another 34 year old who will be 35 during the season. So that’s fine.

The final piece in the jigsaw…for now, is the soon to be 34 Gary Flitcroft. Crikey.

It’s a cobbled together squad. The rules have been bent. Somehow, this is the squad we start a Premier League season with:

I should really release Songo’o, he’s only on £400 per week though and I’d hate somebody else to sign him (unless they play against me in which case we are quids in).

Good luck, you old scrotes.

A 0-0 draw with Derby means we won’t finish with 0 points, which was a real worry.

This man is 34. He’s 35 in several months but his stats suggest he will help us.

Anyway, we lose at Blackburn. Boo to that.

We get hammered at home to Leicester, though we do get our first goal of the season (at 5-0 down).

Rombi gets the first of many injuries and then Onopko does this…

There goes big Bernard too. Centre halves dropping like flies.

We nearly get a famous point at Anfield but they eventually score with the clock ticking down. Bugger.

Fernando Couto begins the game at Barcelona but he may well end it in the Bungalow. Heading, tackling and positioning are all spot on but his physical stats are a disaster. Bring him on, for £240k.

Another defeat you say?

Maybe the League Cup will…oh nevermind.

We’re ahead at Hull. Twice in fact. We still lose.

Game in hand? Heavy loss.

Regular Saturday game? Heavy loss.

League Cup 2nd leg? Heavy loss. Who knew West Ham would be so motivated by revenge after last season’s playoff defeat.

There is an end to the brutality when we get a home draw with Sheffield Wednesday. Ignore the fact they played with 10 for the final 20 minutes, it’ll just upset you.

Moises has just been sacked from his job in Spain’s second tier. He’s about to turn 34 so what’s the harm in another body?

We’re 3-1 up at Ipswich. Grossi, who was basically discarded last season, is now a regular out of necessity whilst Batistuta scores twice. We must win now. Nope, a late leveller means our wait for a victory goes on.

Will we get it at home to Crystal Palace? Will we balls.

The table makes awful reading. Only 8 (effectively 9) points adrift already, no wins, 26 against. Also, why are Man Utd 17th? All you can do at times like this is laugh.

I don’t really know how we get out of this one. We’re already flouting the over 35s rule quite badly, albeit with 33 and 34 year olds. Luke Weaver is the only real young lad amongst the group and he’s averaging 8.23, so he’s a necessity. I’ll just keep plugging away, who knows what will be around the corner?

See you next week!