CM9798 Retirement Home – Part 30: You’ll never win again

Let’s go round agaaaainnn. Baby we’ll turn back the hands of tiiimmeee. Welcome to the Retirement Home, where we are in the 10th season of this borderline cruelty. The over 35s (and some slightly younger friends) are in the Premier League and it couldn’t be going any worse. No wins from the opening 12 league fixtures have left us right up against it.

prem bottom S10

We could always draw our way to freedom. This point at Leeds is actually quite a good result.

Leeds away

Grossi seems to get better the higher up the pyramid we get. His second equaliser of the week earns us a share of the spoils against Tottenham.

spurs home S10

We go 1-0 down to Everton and we’re already down to 10 after angry Svensson got his marching orders. Torneberg is somewhat more mild mannered but when he also goes off, it’s damage limitation. Supergross equalises though, everything’s going to be Alright. We wake up, we go out…

everton away S10

The “good” run comes to a close at home to Man Utd. Pier scores but it’s a brief bit of hope. Maybe we should take a long walk off a short Pier.

man utd home

Neset is good, Andrew taught us that. His hat-trick makes my homecoming a waste of time.

newcastle away S10

Dugarry is available! He’s 34 but he’ll soon be 35 and that is music to my ears. 18 for flair, WOOOOO!

Dugarry 300k

A 0-0 draw with Huddersfield is not a debut to remember.

huddersfield home S10

Nor is a 0-0 draw at Middlesbrough. Still, the draws are mounting up. It does mean though we have played all 19 teams and won precisely zero games. Wow.

Boro away S10

We’re looking ok for a point at Derby but Danny Cadamarteri ruins that. Cheers Danny.

derby away S10

Batistuta! I remember him. Used to score goals. Now he’s a shadow of his former self. Anyway he manages to roll back the years and rescues a point against Blackburn but we need wins, quickly.

Blackburn home

Bristol Rovers are basically our rivals. Not geographically but our paths have crossed a lot, the latest being an FA Cup 3rd round tie. It looks like heading to a replay but Dwight Yorke scores two minutes from time to put us in round 4. How exciting.

bristol rovers FA Cup

What a silly Luigi.

Pier out

Steve Howey is available and signs. As many as four England caps? Fair play.


Speaking of four, Leicester thrash us and take their tally against us to 9 for the season. There’s no good way to spin that.

leicester away S10

Sunderland are top of the pile and have David Trezeguet. How do we let these things happen? He puts them ahead but Moises of all people equalises. Then Dugarry puts us in front and I have a tingling in my under carriage. Luke Weaver earns his keep against his former employers and WE’VE WON A MATCH. Good grief it’s a miracle.

mackems home

How do we celebrate? By going out of the FA Cup. Probably for the best, let’s be honest. Imagine if we won the FA Cup and had to play in Europe alongside 46 Division 1 games? Ambulances everywhere.

man city fa cup

The table really doesn’t lie. We are 10 points adrift and have won once in 23 games. We have scored the least and conceded the most. If we can find a way to get out of this it will be the greatest of escapes.

Prem bottom January

Here’s the top of the pile just for completeness. Barely a goal a game managed by most of these chumps. Boro in 12th for example look like a ground to avoid at all costs.

prem top january

Well here we are. 15 games to go and I reckon I need to win maybe 7 of them. Even then that would be 34 points which is quite a low bar. We’ve managed one win all season so asking for 7 more is cheeky at best. We’ll keep going though, in the name of Mick Quinn. It’s what he would want. See you next for the finale.

Leave a Reply