Off Kilter – Season 1 Part 1 | @peterjonesphoto

Please welcome our latest recruit to the blog squad, Peter Jones! I wont encroach on his intro so I’ll shut up and hand over to the man himself…

Inspired by the compelling “Off Kilter – Scottish Pools Towns” by Jonathan Meades, I thought it would be fun to traverse the strange landscape of the Scottish Football League. For this I’ve chosen Alloa Athletic, although they’re only called ‘Alloa’ in the game. Clearly a slur on the mobility of the squad.

With only 85k in the bank, it’s a rather barren scout through the free transfer market of players who want to ply their part-time trade in the ‘Wee County’ of Clackmannanshire.

Rules of engagement are that I can only sign Scottish players, so hopefully with the use of Jack Charlton’s ancestry database, we can make a decent go of things. Which means several friends of this blog are out of the question.

First up, instead of taking the Channel 5 gig, we manage to persuade an old Chelsea legend to don the orange shirt.

Along with a quickly released Spurs youngster…

And a golden oldie offered a once in a lifetime opportunity…

A couple of quick loan signing round off the short pre season.

Even before I’ve managed to arrange my desk, a big-club release clause rears its ugly head. 550k?? How could you say no?

So we invest straight away. I suppose it’s one way to stop him making those terrible movies…

So, straight into the season and…the Coca-Cola cup?? Here’s how we’re lining up.

Well that didn’t last long. Forfar are in Division 2 so a narrow defeat isn’t too bad.

First league match of the season, Little Nev is injured and it’s a second loss in a row.

This time it’s the League Challenge Cup. How many cup competitions does Scotland have? Another flat performance and we’re sent on our way home for the third defeat in a row. Two matches in and Nevin has been a huge disappointment. Simpson earning his place.

Hurrah! The sweet taste of victory at last. Although I don’t know how many of the 370 who attend are left to watch the last 4 minutes. A quick trip to the local William Low booze aisle to buy them all a drink.

Back to reality with the runaway leaders and one of the Nolan’s is in the mood for dancing in the streets of Cowdenbeath tonight.

Berwick are struggling and so are we, scraping a 1-0 victory. This is like swimming through corned beef.

Fortunately, help is at hand with another loan signing and if Erik Nevland and John Curtis can’t get a look in, Grant Brebner has got no chance.

It must have been quick a culture shock and Brebs signs in with a paltry 6 rating on his debut. Still, another clean sheet and one of our strikers is finding the net.

East Stirling put up more of a fight, with a goalscoring duo that sound like a Twilight stalker. The lads put the spelling pedantry aside and two quick goals see us level.

Any thoughts of a slight wobble are banished with four first half goals.

Simpson decides against wearing a pink shirt and keeps in line to get on the score sheet. Another two from McAvoy making Atonement for his poor performance in the last match.

Suddenly, Dwyer is in the zone against Queen’s Park and we knock 6 (six) as the vidiprinter used to say incase Des thought he had misread the result. Breb’s finally getting the boost from a bit of home cooking.

Ross County clearly had a pep-talk from Big Dunc and they decide that if they can’t score, they’ll just knife the opposition. Fortunately we’re 3-0 up and we don’t have to deploy the Warnock feign…which hasn’t happened yet, ofcourse.

The morning report from the physio isn’t good.

Nine months?? That will keep the poachers away though.

Hope it’s his writing arm and he doesn’t get any ideas for a new movie…

Compared with the rest, the mishearing of a Little Injury isn’t far off the mark.

Not a good time to be playing the league leaders. Predictably, the result ends the same as our first encounter. Bit of the Conn job if you ask me.

Forward reinforcements are needed. The only U21 who is still on a free can help ease Dwyers goalscoring load.

First game in and he is a little nervous missing two golden opportunities and we leave it late to fully secure the three points.

The board think I’m doing a good job, although my financial records have been causing the auditors a headache. I suggest to employ PwC but the board remind me you need money in the first place fiddle the books. Might be time to lock my office door in an evening

2nd place just after the one third stage and we really do need to start taking points away of the ‘beath if we are to be champions. Although promotion is the aim this season.

Och aye for now!

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