Welcome back! The Retirement Home made a triumphant return last week, which lasted about 3 games before we fell into our old ways. In my defence, which is the worst in the league, our only mobile goalkeeper got injured and the pair of geriatrics who stood in for him couldn’t catch a cold. The table makes grim reading. Only 12 for and a massive 31 against. At least we’re not in the bottom 3.

Who knows though, maybe things will start turning round for us? Ah who am I kidding. We’re 3-0 down at Fulham inside 37 minutes.

We actually lead at Villa Park! For one minute. Then we don’t and we suffer the indignity of conceding to Nicky Butt. We look set to lose again but Pier, lovely Pier, makes it 2-2 in the dying moments.

This man has been sacked by Zaragoza. He is a very angry man who is as weak as a kitten. He’s going to give someone the beating of a lifetime. He wants £17k a week but why on earth not. That must mean he’s good. Right?

We win! Two Gary’s takes down Millwall in front of hardly anybody. Probably safer to stay away.

Steve Watson has been sacked so I’m signing him. He’s actually not that old. I think if someone has been a manager and they get sacked that’s got to qualify them.

Premier League Chelsea slap us aside. Not our battle.

Top of the league Hull is no better. We defend admirably well but ultimately lose.

Batigol! He’s sometimes got a goal in him. Bristol Rovers are 4th so this is a reasonable point.

I swear we play Carlisle more than any other team in the history of the game. N’Diefi, who scores against us more often than not, nets early on but a late comeback steals us the points. Old lads!

Is this something approaching form? Batistuta and Dugarry have too much for QPR and things look a little bit better as we head into December.

Southampton are languishing in the bottom three but we struggle to create anything and then concede from a corner. That’s a huge shame.

We beat Bradford on the opening day, I was optimistic back then. Now here we are, desperate for anything from them. Our Argentine duo earn us a valuable away point.

We should really be beating bottom club Stockport at home but instead we trail twice and are extremely grateful for Crespo smashing in a free kick five minutes from time. Slowly, slowly.

Steve Howey is going back into management. Up near home as well. CM is continuity. He goes with my best wishes.

Back to losing then as Barnet complete the double over us.

Early excitement! We’re in front against Swindon. Sadly, it lasts 27 minutes before Priou equalises and it’s a point.

Forest aren’t very good but like most, if they score first they will win. Keast is a terrible name.

This goalkeeper is about to turn 37 but he’s got to be better backup than Walker and Hislop. That’s not a road I ever want to travel again.

FA Cup time now and 2nd Division Peterborough make the trip to see us. Lopez is showing signs of being useful, at last, and it’s his second half winner that sets us up a 4th round trip to Stockport.

When you’re 2-0 down inside 10 minutes you do wonder why we even bother. Dugarry does temporarily restore some hope but the brilliantly named Mirko Soc finishes us off. Sigh.

We finish with a trip to Wimbledon, one of the few sides below us and what a barnstormer it is. 0-0. Our 32 points keeping our heads marginally above water.

We’re absolute dross. A lack of goals scored and a glut of goals conceded, the recipe for being 19th at the end of January.

We’ve been here before. Last time we solved this riddle with a decent young keeper, a reasonable centre half and a young striker. We have a keeper – maybe he’s not good enough? We have Lopez who should be the striker, maybe he’s declined earlier than I anticipated? I think I’ll get to the end of the season and have a clear out, hopefully some of them retire.

Maybe we’ll win the FA Cup! Imagine that…

See you next week.