Good day to you and welcome back to the Retirement Home. Last season was a bit rubbish really, a decent start was effectively destroyed by October and it was all downhill from there. Still, that was then and this is now. Everybody who didn’t retire is a year older so in the words of Karl, let’s go shopping!

We start with a Brazil legend. Sure, he can’t move but what he lacks in mobility he makes up for in creativity, which is what I personally look for in a centre back. I feel he might do a job in midfield.

This is more like it. He’s less creative than Santos but he’s 9 times as quick and twice as strong, which sounds good but it’s a 1 vs 2. I’m sure he’ll be a creative force.

Look at this guy’s return for Norway. LOOK AT IT. How has that happened? I’m hoping he can post similar numbers for us despite his advancing years. In fact even a third of those goals would do, I’m a reasonable man. Whether I call this man Siggy smalls or Rushy remains to be seen.

I’ve treat myself to a young centre back, which I think I’m allowed. He looks good on paper.

We arrive at the opening day of the season and this is the team I’ve picked, with Crespo suspended.

Well I really hope Burnley are good or else it’s going to be a long season. The only positive is Rushfeldt getting off the mark, hopefully the first of many.

These early League Cup ties have usually been our undoing and it looks like being a familiar tale here, especially when Rushy missed a penalty and Preston take the lead. Lopez equalises though and it’ll be all to play for whenever we reconvene.

We’re 2-0 up at Chester inside 10 minutes. Maybe Burnley were just really good? Ah no, it turns out Chester were just slow out of the gate. It finishes 2-2, I was hoping a late goal would lead to a final furlong pun but that’ll have to wait.

Another quick start from the old lads and we’re 2-0 up against Preston. Blinker and you’ll miss us. King half the arrears and a nervy 67 minutes pass by with no further score. Phew.

Do you know what time it is? No, not Vader time. It’s Rush hour. Rush Hour 3 in fact. What a wonderful time to be alive.

I’ve secretly despised my goalkeeper for several months now simply because he’s not Luke Weaver. David Steven isn’t either but he might grow to be Luke Weaver whereas James Dungey means nothing to me.

What I meant was, James, please never leave, I’m sorry for what I said. Rushy misses another pen and we lose Moreno for a month. Even when Cambridge go down to 10 they score. It finishes 4-2 and it’s not good.

0-0 with Port Vale is about as good as it sounds.

Leicester, recently relegated, have too much for us. The delightful duo of Longhi Cox give us a good shafting.

Yes, that is Vegard Heggem. Crushing my dreams.

Clubs are bidding for the listed Dungey. A bidding war ensues and we get £1.1m for him. All of these clubs are in Division 2 or 3 and they’re willing to spend £1m on this idiot. Wonders never cease.

A win! An away win. Moreno scores on his return, Steven obviously gets sent off the day after his only real competition departs and old Henrik Zarp saves Kanu’s pen. What a time to be alive.

It looks like we’re heading for a draw with Birmingham before Patrik Berger takes responsibility from the spot to seal a 3-1 win. We’re not too bad these days.

A meek surrender at home to Villa in the League Cup will probably signal the end of our run this year. Never mind.

Wow! Kidderminster are normally our nemesis but not today. 3-0 up inside 16 minutes and even after Regi misses our third penalty of the season we add a 4th to record a convincing win.

All that optimism drains away as Walsall give us our annual Bescot beating.

I’m encouraged when Dugarry equalises at QPR, who incidentally have a 35 year old Tore Andre Flo. We have a long chat after the game.

Wat? We go down to 10 men against Villa in the return leg and when Robert T Ironside scores after 9 minutes, I wave the white flag. I do nothing. And yet with the game drifting into obscurity. Rushy scores. And again. Harold Lazono puts us level on aggregate. Villa have stopped playing, it’s odd. Extra time passes without an incident of note and with that, we’re through on away goals. Sometimes, there are no words.

Maybe Svensson is an active hindrance to my chances? Lozano is at it again with the winner against lowly Swindon.

Like I always say, end with a defeat. Norwich have too much for us by a distance and that’s a long way to go for nothing.

All in all, it leaves us smack bang in the middle of the table, 22 for and 22 against. We couldn’t be any more average.

Here’s the squad, imagine if it was 1998…the squad would be amazing.

We’ve been in worse positions. The sale of Dungey balanced the books a bit, we’ve lost our Premier League millions some time ago and there’s some big wages who have taken advantage of my “beggars can’t be choosers” policy. They’ll all retire eventually. See you next week for that all important middle update.