Well good day to you and welcome to yet another season of the Retirement Home. This will be a season with a difference – not only did we stay in the Premier League with our old lads, we only won the bloody FA Cup. Somebody call Rob Brydon because we’re going on a European cruise.

The board aren’t daft. We’ve got some money in the bank and a discount on seat installation means we get 5000 new ones for just £1.8m. So that’s nice.

We’re in business. £275k will buy us…more than you’d think. But almost £10m in the bank is a sign of how far we’ve come from those seasons where we were up to our necks in debt.

This says more about the standard of the Cup Winners Cup than it does us. Will it help? Who knows.

Anyway, we need some more recruits. The fourth Joonas brother will help.

Ricardo Sa Pinto probably won’t feature much but look at that technique.

Versatility is the name of the game here, not least because his name has too many letters for my liking. He’s actually a bit crap but you know the club motto by now.

This fella might be alright.

Giggs shows his famous loyalty and leaves to manage Leeds. I’m sure the Man Utd legend will be well received at Elland Road.

As fun as fighting relegation is, I’ve decided to treat myself to a carer. Paolo Zola, who looks not dissimilar to Daddy Gianfranco, is the man for the job. £900k is a steal, and £50k more than we’ve ever spent on a player.

Another ridiculous scenario here is that we’re in the Charity Shield. What’s more, we only bloody win it. I didn’t expect that (or Middlesbrough to win the league).

That’s more like it, starting the season with a heavy loss at Huddersfield.

…quickly avenged with a home win over Southampton.

…and then wiped out with a humping from Hull.

Calm things down with a 0-0 draw. That’s my boys.

Our first cruise will take us to Sweden in a few weeks. Can’t wait.

Man Utd bounced back from their relegation by finishing 2nd in Division 1, sticking with Fergie throughout. Two former/future Man Utd players put us 2-1 up but we have to settle for a point. I’m ok with that.

We manage to blow a two goal lead at home to Derby. Butt Plug equalises and Couto gets himself a ban. Not a great day.

Another pesky 0-0, this time at Villa Park. It could be worse.

Europe time! I’ve decided to go full strength for leg 1 with promises of a rest in Sweden if we can win handsomely. And with that promise of a cruise in two weeks, the lads put in one of the performances of…the season? Year? Club’s history? Not sure where to draw the line.

Another 0-0. The increased capacity aren’t always getting value for money.

The travelling fans though are rewarded for being insane enough to follow this collection of journeymen around the country when Juan Veron takes aim from 30 yards. What a time to be alive.

Errr

Off we go to Sweden then and with the first team afforded extra time on whatever you do for fun in Sweden, three reserves make names for themselves including first goals for the club for Almeyda and Gallen. Into round 2…

To Cyprus! I’m fine with that, it could have been a lot worse.

Favourite score? 0-0 with Blackburn.

An International break might help us rest some weary limbs but it makes no difference, 0-0 with struggling Walsall.

Same formula for the first leg as we did in Sweden – win handsomely and enjoy some Cyprus sunshine. Is it hot in Cyprus in October? That isn’t my problem. We win 4-0 and I’m starting to realise the only thing that motivates these ageing warriors is the promise of a cruise.

This is an excellent win. Our defence is fantastic these days but we get the added bonus of Solskjaer netting what turns out to be the winner.

Sheff Wed are kind of a big deal these days, so we get the shock defeat graphic. Bit strong.

All of that leaves us 11th, with more games played than goals scored. The Micker will be turning in his…house.

Still, we’re 6 points clear of the bottom 3 and hard to beat. It’s the stuff of dreams. We’re still in Europe and donuts are plentiful. This is our utopia.

Join me next week to see how we mess it all up.