Off Kilter – Season 9 Episode 3 World Cup Special | @PeterJonesPhoto

We’re taking our last visit to Alloa for the year where we find Peter waiting. At club level, the hunt is on to back up an incredible season with retaining silverware but the bigger picture is taking Scotland to World Cup 2006…

“What have you done, you there

Weeping without cease,

Tell me, yes you, what have you done

With all your youth?” – Paul Verlaine.

Championship Manager and wondering how Suzi Perry used to get into those tight red leather trousers. After taking no interest in any Motorsport that took place on two wheels, the BBC’s late 90’s Superbike coverage gained an extra grey haired viewer in the form of my father. It was only later we found she was a Wolves fan. I guess Pole Position took on another meaning in those middle-aged fantasies. Although through experience, the stripping of ones strained, contorting and cavorting posture ridden female partner in the erotic rush to de-clothe can flatten the mood.

On such occasions where the spark needs reigniting, a look at Alloa’s surge can reinvigorate any limp appendage.

Back into the cup and Beth is still cries her name around a half empty Rec. Fortunately Francis replicated is Arsenal form and we get another chance back at the Trailer Park.

Our right side is causing trouble now Finnagan has moved into midfield. Back to the Rohan Wars for the latest incumbent in that role.

It’s going to be a very looooong run in…

We’re everybody’s daughter back at the Trailer Park and Dair gets two in quick.

Rangers next and to prove we’re not frightened of anyone, anymore. Surely this will seal the title? “It might do,” my assistant responses. “And don’t call me Shirley.”

There’s still 3000 empty seats as we welcome Germanys finest. We’re good, but not that good.

There are two reasons why I signed this youngster. He can play on the right and his name is fabulous. Also, a few Milli Vanilli gags won’t go amiss.

Two quarter finals in a row and Dair is racking them up.

Straight into the central reservation for Beth. Nothing can go wrong now…

What the hell??????? We concede 6 (six) in the first 31 minutes.

Abysmal? For once, I agree with them. Our chumminess doesn’t last for long.

Stick that in your bipolar pipe and smoke it.

Shock? Damn right!

At least we won’t have to go far for the next match.

Hmmmm. Maybe Shirley was right. We shouldn’t have celebrated too early. I could do with a little breather…

And that comes in the form of another pointless friendly.

McQuilken is forming into a very shapely striker on the day Rangers lost again.

It’s coming to deadline day and I think we need some more experience at the back. I have nearly £40m in the bank and Darren’s brother seemed a good fit.

We’re very wasteful infront of goal and United come away with handy away goal. This might be the end of the line for another European year.

Our league form has picked up as that Partick abomination. It’s almost a formality.

Two days later and everyone is knackered. We could’ve played the 2^nd half in the pub.

Everyone is fed up and 10,000 less stay on for the replay. Can we do the double? I wonder who we’ll play in the final…

Sigh…

Yes, that’s Imed giving us the lead as I’ve had to change half of the team because everyone is exhausted.

We’re all knackered, fed up and want to go home. Dair helps to instigate a comeback but again it’s one game too far. We can only extend to the semi.

Beth clearly fancies some of the Alloa boys as she’s back again. Jo gives up after we take the lead.

Another three points and we’re just about keeping Rangers at arms length.

15 (Fifteen) months??????????

Another semi-pointless friendly and Martin could’ve finished off the match in the 1^st half. It’s good news that we can compete with the best.

Down to 10 men and we can only just keep on the level with Rangers at the best of times but they really put us to the sword…to leave the only 1 POINT BEHIND US!!!!

When did that happen? Bloody hell.

Dair tries his best to see our whole season thrown away. We nick a goal early in the 1^st half and a late penalty miss clears us from the ringer.

Didn’t really matter what we did.

And so to the cup final, can we achieve the double?

No.

WORLD CUP EXTRA

And so onto the World Cup 2002 hosted by our ‘friends’ south of the border. The day before we set off to camp, my phone rings…

Right…one of our best plays out for the tournament. Lets try and make it through the friendlies unscathed as Bozza, 2 cigars and 6 bacon sarnies down, gives us a helping hand. No injuries during that 90mins. Lets keep training light.

Bloody hell!

BLOODY HELL!!!!!! What are our training sessions involving?

Another friendly but the green alert of savageness flashes loud.

That FOUR 1^st teams players out now and both right-sided men.

Looks like our camp is the North East as Middlesbrough is our first host. Harry Gration is in attendance to witness another game to be etched into Scotland’s legendary status.

Joan can’t keep the Alba tide back and surely this is going to our Shining Hour. “Stop calling me Shirley!”

I rest couple of players as we’re practically through and a quiet draw against the table bottom side is enough to confirm our progress.

Three goals conceded won’t do us any good the further we go. It’s France next…

…who we dispatch in the most elegant 1^st half display there’s ever been. 7 goals in 4 matches for Martin! Germany in the quarter finals.

How are we managing to hang on? Germany are all over us like a pool side deckchair kissed by the early morning dew. Rosl gets himself sent off and we score from the resultant free kick scramble. Russia in the semis!

A fairly flat 90 minutes and extra time is not what we wanted. Glennie thankfully rescues us from the dreaded penalty shootout. Chile in the final! Can we actually win a final for once???