The Retirement Academy – Part 13: Klinsmannia

Bonjour! Near enough. It’s time for a new season here in Holland and after a strong end to season 4, maybe season 5 will see us make headway up the Eredivisie. Here’s a reminder of how it finished:

Let’s meet some of the new lads. Paul Heald reincarnated:

I can’t recall who this is but he looks like he’ll be ok-ish. You better believe there’ll be some cold arse jokes lined up.

This is Juan Antonio Pizzi, who somehow played for Barcelona despite finishing of 10.

Pints Cup draw is not kind. No non-league sides at all!

Away to RBC gets off to a difficult start which we soon turn upside down thanks to an Uncle Bulgaria hat-trick. We win 5-2 and David Platt’s regen gets sent off.

Here’s a reminder of the tactics we’re employing courtesy of Nikolai.

Ah yes the random first league game. We’re off to the best possible start! Spoonz and Uncle Bulgaria get the job done.

Telstar are a fellow top division side but they absolutely thrash us. Turns out playing young keepers is still a disaster.

We’re behind at home to De Graasfschap and staring an early exit in the face. Then in the blink of an eye Ndoumbe gives away a free kick, gets sent off and Laudrup curls it in. Uncy B wins it.

2-0 down again at home this time to RBC. A switch to the old favourite 2-3-1-2-2 and we snatch a draw. Phew.

We start with 2-3-1-2-2 away at Telstar – with sexy results. Klinsmannia is running wild.

We just need a draw at De Graafschap but Boaty nets twice before missing a penalty against an outfield player. Never change.

Never in doubt.

Back to league action and it’s Feyenoord away. We go behind and it should be 2-0 but Betterton saves the penalty. Klinsmannia equalises and Platt junior wins it. Wow!

So here’s the story from AZ you want beat me you gotta stop Quinny. Klinsmann slams his body down and zigga-zig ah’s and it’s a rare away win at the Almkaar house or whatever it’s called.

The fixture computer has not been kind and a home game with Ajax seems harsh at best. We take the lead and my mind starts to drift. Champions, in season 5 no less. Who’d have thought? When I come out of my day dream, we’re 3-1 down. Maybe next year.

You Heracles, me Homercles. Boaty gets us back to winning ways with a late goal.

DULL. DULL DULL DULL. Nothing much happened.

What seems like a good idea is to win away at the telephone company. Boaty and young Platt get the goals and all is rosy once again.

Third behind PSV and Ajax is something to be proud of. Considering we’ve already played Ajax, Feyenoord and AZ we should be good shape. Actually, Feyenoord aren’t in the top 12 so that might prove to be a less impressive victory than I imagined.

The squad is looking a bit battered, so let me talk you through it. Betterton is still wanted by Everton despite their agreement for him falling through in the summer. Please, never leave. We’ve loaned out Paul Heald’s re-gen to Exeter. We’ve also loaned out the young centre back Cold Arse to Spain whilst Rudy Keur is being borrowed by Belgian club Germinal Ekeren. That’s not a gag. McPherson is on loan in Dumbarton. The squad is full, so this is what we have for the foreseeable future but that’s ok. Rowbotham remains on the wanted list of Aston Villa and Newcastle, he has the big club release clause so you can’t see the WNT icon. Always a bit underhand that.

It’s all coming together, sort of at least. Join me next week to see if we can hold it together for a few more months.

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