Happy New year to you all. Welcome to the 2012/13 season, or season 16 if you prefer. Last time out, we witnessed Italy win Euro 2012 and I received the job offer I’d been waiting for, or perhaps it was an SOS call. Either way, I’ve answered the pleas and now I’m manager of Division 2 Newcastle.

Division 2 is not where I want to be, I’m a multiple time Champions League winner but sometimes, you’ve just got to do what is right. To paint you a picture, look at this for a history:

Pretty grim – we haven’t even been close to getting back in the Premier League since relegation in 1999. As it stands we’re not even one promotion away…

The squad is full of unknowns…and my ex-Darlington goalkeeper Philip Humphries, who has England caps. That should help.

Celestine Babayaro is also there but I’d rather he wasn’t.

Well that works.

To be honest, I expected to come in here, sign a few players and we’d get promoted easily. I couldn’t have been more wrong though – make no mistake, this squad is absolutely diabolical. It takes us a few games to get our first win, albeit in the League Cup.

That’s followed up by our first league win

After this start, we really needed reinforcements

George Weah’s re-gen isn’t available for transfer, but oddly they will loan me him. He makes a big difference!

The goals against column is a real concern though. It feels like every attack against us ends in a goal, and none of my goalkeepers are able to make a difference.

This is a good result

This is a bad result

Coventry are a Premier League side though, read into that what you will. I’ve tried all 4 of my keepers without success.

This game loves to put you in pressure situations too

Great, neither side want a derby in their current states. Sunderland are in Division 3 whilst we concede 3 a game! We get away with it with a late turnaround.

Phew. We’ve rallied a bit and we’re as midtable as it comes.

Only 3 points from the playoffs though! Goals against is a concern – I’m just not sure how to stem the flow though.

There’s been the usual array of stories away from Newcastle, starting with the Charity Shield

Batistuta broke my heart…and now Gerry’s too.

You’re probably (not) wondering who replaced me at Norwich. Well…

First division leicester have their manager pinched – they’re now bottom of that division. Norwich meanwhile…

Oh, Gerry. I say that a lot. The table is randomised I’m sure

Blackburn have just been promoted under Darren Huckerby, and now this. Sheff Wed have got to be a good bet for the league because of their Argentinian goal machine, whilst Liverpool are probably the strongest side over the last few seasons. Darlo aren’t going well but this is how Gerry does it. Where are Man Utd!?

15th! Gordon, what are you playing at? Boro prop up the division, 51 year old Peter Beardsley still a few weeks away from returning from a broken leg but it’s probably hampered his managerial ability. Wolves have also collapsed after some decent seasons.

Whilst I try and figure out the best way to stop leaking goals, I’ll look forward to seeing you all again in the next update. Tata for now.

The World According to CM9798 is available on Amazon now