Welcome. The future is bright, but it definitely won’t be orange, as Holland didn’t qualify for Euro 2016. That bit is accurate. However the news that Louis Van Gaal is going in search of further honours will come as more of a surprise, though the Dutch maestro is in charge of the Italian national team rather than Manchester United. Can LVG retain the European crown he won in 2012? Are Aston Villa really going to win the Premier League? What’s with the Beatles song in the title when I’ve made it adbundantly clear this will be a Grease medley as we head to Greece 2016? I’ve ran out of questions, so let’s dive in.

League Cup

It’s still pointless.

Wow, great penalties. In the answer to the quiz question “what is the minimum number of pens that need to be taken to conclude a penalty shootout?” this is the answer. Brian Little, take a bow.

FA Cup

I’m getting a bit sick of Brian Little you know. He’s everywhere.

He won’t be in the final though, saving us a repeat of the 0-0 thriller in the pointless cup. Damien Johnson’s Aston Villa have emerged as a real force. Steve Haslam has a lot to be proud of at Blackburn too, despite this loss.

The final is an extraordinary affair, where Villa take a 2-0 lead. This infuriates Mark Hateley goes into a fit of rage and inspires a 3-2 comeback win. Remarkable.

Champions League

To continue the Little-fest, Liverpool are up against Marseille. The French side are too strong for them though, setting up a final with Sampdoria.

Sampdoria have been the real form side but they’ve had 2 managers this season and not quite hit the heights. As it is, they fall at the final hurdle of retaining their Champions League.

Sampdoria are nowhere in Serie A either

Cesena. Of course. Gerry has done really well at Inter Milan. More on him later. Sevilla win La Liga.

What of Real Madrid? Well this happened

Jesus Sietes indeed. However, they still did enough to gain promotion. Well done David Unsworth

But for real badness, come home.

Premier League

Last time out you saw my Newcastle team struggling to keep our heads above water. The media always say one team gets sucked in, well, this side are in a lot of trouble:

With both goalies out and a full squad, a central midfielder is in nets. Sheff Wed are all of a sudden looking over their shoulders

Both of their keepers are out for 2 months, so I reckon I need to win 3 games to be absolutely fine. Let’s see how many that 42 goals against grows to.

Yep, Robson’s in trouble here

With 1 game to go, we’ve been able to maintain our Premier League status

Sheff Wed have a goalkeeper for game 37 and snatch a draw, luckily for them Norwich are useless.

So it comes down to the last day – Forest play Palace on Sunday, in one of those things that would never happen. At the top, there’s no fun to be had. Aston Villa are the Champions…

The 2nd Champions League place is up for grabs – Steve Haslam could stick a dagger through the heart of Darlington here

HASLAM! Champions League football at Blackburn for the first time since 1995. Great result for us in Cardiff – 14th is an improvement but now is the time to kick on and stop with all this lower half of the table rubbish. Norwich get a point but will it be enough?

It is! Goal difference condemns Forest to the First Division. Confirmation of Blackburn’s surprise 2nd finish.

Before we go to Euro 2016, look at this Beauty School Drop Out

To Greece!

Euro 2016

Marcello Lippi has picked this England squad:

Fashanu, Mainwaring, Shakespeare. All names who have had a huge impact on English history.

The hosts get off to a good start

Lippi takes on his home country and apparent genius LVG

Justin Cox is a great name. What year is it!?

Jody Izzet – or Jizzet, if you will, is the modern day Beckham/Phil Neville type villain. This better get Lippi the sack. Some pride is salvaged at least.

How embarrassing

Scotland & Ireland are through, to help the English mood

But France are out, Portugal and Denmark seeing them off.

Simao!?

And the final group. How have Georgia made it this far!?

Goodness me. Quarter final draw:

Just as England fans are deciding who to switch allegiance to, Scotland catch England syndrome and the Irish are knocked out too.

Italy and Germany must be the heavy favourites but they’ll meet in the semis.

I make Italy favourites, the Italian clubs have been consistently good in Europe for a number of years now. Semi final time!

What a game in Oaka, and a mighty mauling in the Olimpic Stadion. Portugal vs Italy then

LVG retains! Louis Van Gaal’s army!

Let’s end with some good news. Beardsley has decided to carry on for another year

His stats are so bad he’s unrated in several areas. Great news for Rotherham.

Why did I make the title this Beatles song? Well, LVG is 64. Who else is 64?

Gerry! What a shame. The Spain experience has sapped his enthusiasm. It’s also goodbye to Roy Evans

To finish with, here are some awards

Damien Johnson being Premier League champion and Manager of the Year. Wow.

So before you all rush off to get your money on Italy to win Euro 2016, just remember, the Premier League is upside down…